This Dream Isn't Done

I remain in my truck, looking at Alex's place, debating to turn back or to go inside like he invited. I hesitate before unlocking my door and getting out. I slowly make my way to his door and I knock. Within seconds, the door opens.
“Hey,” Alex smiles.
“Hey,” I reply and he lets me in.
“How are you?”
“Good,” I reply with a small smile.
I follow him into the kitchen where he gives me a cup of coffee.
“Haven’t been here for a while,” I say quietly looking around.
“Last time was when things went downhill.”
I look at him and nod. I sit down on a stool while he stands across from me.
“Listen, I was nervous to tell you about Renee,” he says quietly.
“Why?”
He shrugs, “because of what happened between us.”
“Nothing happened between us,” I whisper.
“Yeah,” he says, “a lot happened.”
I look at him, “it’s in the past.”
He hesitates before speaking again. I wish I didn't say anything.
“What if I didn’t want it to be in the past?”
I shake my head, “Alex, don’t ask that. Please, don’t.”
“Why not?”
“Why not? Because you’re with someone! God, Alex! It’s the whole Eric thing again. I’m not going to take part in anything that involves hurting someone.”
“What about how I’m feeling right now?” He asks quietly.
“You’re the one who chose to date someone else.”
“Because I had no idea what was going on with you,” he says, “I’m still waiting for you, Ash.”
I look down at my cup of coffee, not sure what to say and feeling a little uncomfortable.
“If you were to tell me you wanted me, right now, I would end things with Renee.”
“Don’t say that,” I whisper.
“It’s true.”
“She doesn’t deserve that.”
“We’ve been together for a month, it’s not like we’re committed to marriage or anything.”
I roll my eyes, “I should go.”
He sighs, “I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to think I’m over you.”
“I haven’t really been thinking about that.”
“I just want it to be clear.”
I look up at Alex, “try things out with Renee, Alex.”
“Do you want to be with me?” He asks quietly.
I stare at him, not sure if I want to say yes.
"It's undecided," I say quietly.
"Why?"
"Well, before it was a solid yes but once Renee entered the picture, my mind changed."
"So if I would never have started things with her, I could have you right now?"
"Alex, can we just drop this?"
"No, I want to know."
"If you hadn't started dating her than yeah, I guess we would be together. Alex, all I wanted was one tour to be myself, figure things out and you couldn't give me that. A month and you found someone else."
"If I end things with her," he pauses a little, "would we be together?"
"Not if this is the reason," I say, as my hand motions between the two of us.
"Why not?"
"Because I would feel bad! I'm not going to be the reason for you two to break up," I say, growing more annoyed, "you walked into this relationship obviously with some feeling towards her."
He looks down and I sigh. I run a hand through my hair and look down at my untouched coffee before I stand.
"I'm going to go."
Alex looks up, "why?"
"Because I wasn't expecting this kind of a talk when I agreed to coffee. I don't want to have this conversation."
"I'm sorry," Alex says quietly.
I grab my bag, "give it a shot, Alex. Who knows, maybe this will be good for you."
Just as I head out, I hear, "but I'll always love you."
I get out to my truck and immediately drive away, not wanting to be in this area anymore. I check this coffee date off as the worst.