It's Never Too Late

“Don’t touch me!” Her screams echoed through the walls as she kicked, punched and cried for him to stop.

“It’s okay Jenna, it’s just me. I’m not gonna hurt you.” Matt told his younger sister as he held her tightly and tried to help her snap back into reality.

Jenna whimpered and practically melted into her brother’s arms once she heard his voice, and was confirmed that it was only a nightmare. Her balled up fists unclenched and released Matt’s shirt as he rubbed his hands over her back soothingly.

“I’m sorry,” Jenna whispered after several minutes of her calming down. Her breathing was still off and her chest still felt tight from the anxiety she felt, but she was going to be okay and she knew that. Her nightmare was over and he couldn’t hurt her anymore.

Matt nodded before kissing her forehead. “I know Jenna, I know.” He muttered. “It’s gonna be okay. I don’t how, but it is.” He assured her.

Jenna swallowed hard and licked over her dry lips as the tears kept falling. She didn’t know how she was supposed to believe him; believe what he was saying. And in all honesty, she wasn’t sure if she could.

Six Months Later…

It was a dark and stormy day outside, which included terrible thunder and lightening. Matt sat on his leather couch with his face buried in his hands and his shoulders slouched over slightly. It just so happened to be one of the worst days of his life. His four best friends Brian, Zacky, Johnny and Jimmy all sat around the living room along with him, letting him know that they were there for him for whatever he possibly needed.

Matt looked up and sighed heavily. He wiped a few stray tears from his bloodshot eyes before looking straight ahead at the picture of Jenna from several years back that sat on his fireplace mantle. “You guys should head home. I’ll be fine.” He told his friends, his voice cracked slightly as he fought back more tears that wanted to fall.

“No man,” Zacky said, shaking his head.

“We’re gonna be here for you.” Brian said softly as he walked over to the couch where Matt was sitting.

“Yeah, whether you like or not.” Jimmy declared, plopping down onto the floor in front of him.

“You need us right now, man, and we’re not gonna bail on you.” Johnny was the last to speak as he walked into the room with a round of beers for all of them. He thought that maybe, just maybe they needed something to help them unwind a bit.

Matt took a beer from Johnny without any hesitation before cracking it open and taking a gulp. “I just wish I could have done something.” Matt said, shaking his head as he sat the beer down on the glass coffee table in front of him. "Fucking anything to help her."

“Don’t dwell on that, Matt. Jenna couldn’t be saved. What happened to her when she was a little girl really screwed her up in the head.” Brian said, squeezing Matt’s shoulder lightly. He knew that what he was saying wasn’t going to make Matt feel any better about his losing his sister, but it was worth a shot.

Three Months before…

“Damn it Jenna, don’t you ever fucking scare me like that again!” Matt said bringing his sixteen-year-old younger sister into a tight hug. He had been worried sick about her ever since the night before when he found her passed out on the bathroom floor with an empty bottle of sleeping pills next to her.

Jenna hugged her brother back for a minute before pulling away. “I’m sorry,” She said softly, lying back down slowly. Her body felt very tired and weak from the over dose and her stomach being pumped.

“You need help Jenna. Please stop denying it.” He pleaded, taking her hand in his. “This is the second time you’ve tried to kill your self Jenna, the second fucking time.”

Several tears fell from Jenna’s eyes and rolled down her cheeks before she could wipe them away. “I don’t know if I can be saved.” She said softly as she starred into his eyes. “You don’t know what he did to me, Matt.” She shook her head before looking down at her hands. “It was horrible, and I can’t forget. The memories and the nightmares haunt me to no end, and you know that. Living with what happened is tearing me apart.” She couldn’t explain it any better than that.

Matt ran a hand over his face. He was lost and had no idea what to even say to her about that. She never really spoke about what had happened. It was bad enough that she had to admit what her and Matt’s stepfather had done to her, but actually speaking of it was something that hadn’t happened yet. Being raped and sexually abused from the age of four to nine was the worst thing that had ever happened to Jenna, and she couldn’t just talk about it with anyone. It still didn’t even feel real to her, almost like she lived in a nightmare. She questioned herself all the time why it happened to her? But she didn’t know the answer to that.

“Jenna,” Matt murmured taking a hold her hand as he sat on the edge of the hospital bed to her right. “I am going to do anything and everything I possibly can to help you get through this. You’re not alone, I promise.”

Jenna could only nod and give her older brother a soft smile. She wanted to believe that, but yet again she didn’t. She just couldn’t, not after what had already happened.

Back to the Present…

“He just fucked her up so badly.” Matt sighed shaking his head as he thought about his stepfather and how much he truly just wanted to kill him for what he had done to Jenna.

“But it stopped Matt, eventually it stopped. And she came here and lived with you where she was safe.” Brian said with a sigh. “You tried to help her man, you really did.”

“Jenna couldn’t be helped, Matt, and you know that. She saw several psychiatrists and nothing worked.” Jimmy told him as he folded his arms over his chest.

And they were right. Jenna was so messed up in the head from the abuse that she couldn’t live with it. She hated living with the nightmares she had almost every night, and the fear she constantly felt.

Matt took a deep breath as he stood up from the couch. “I just need to be alone for a few minutes.” He told them as he headed for the stairs. He needed to do something that he hadn’t done yet and it was time he did. After all, it had already been four days since he found Jenna dead from an overdose and her wrists slit open. The funeral had already been held just hours ago, and now all that was left to do was slowly move on.

The four men exchanged looks before nodding at one another. “We’ll be down here if you need us.” Brian called to him as he watched him start up the stairs.

Matt didn’t say anything and before he knew it was standing in the hallways starring at Jenna’s door. He hadn’t gone in there yet, but he new that he should. Something in his stomach was telling him that he needed to listen to his instincts and go in there. He turned the doorknob slowly and pushed open the door. The familiar purple walls were covered in posters of the bands Jenna loved along with magazine clippings. Her bed was still made and untouched from several mornings ago, and her room still smelt like vanilla the way she loved it too. Matt stepped inside and swallowed hard as he looked around at all of her stuff. The black shelves that hung on her walls around the room were covered in books and stuffed animals, and tons of useless and cluttered stuff was spewed all over the place. White Christmas lights were hung around her bed frame just like she loved, so at night when she had a nightmare it wouldn’t be completely dark when he ran into the room to stay with her while she cried. Matt smiled at the memory of when she begged him to buy her those lights. It seemed to him as if it was only yesterday, when truth be told it was four years ago.

“I fucking miss you, Jenna.” Matt murmured out loud as he walked closer to her bed.

He placed his hand on the bedpost at the end of the bed and gripped it tightly as his eyes kept wandering around the room. He looked over at the computer desk that sat in the corner with her computer and all of her school things. Just before he was going to turn away his eyes caught something. He let go of the bedpost and made his way over to the desk where a plain, white envelope sat with his name scribbled on it in Jenna’s handwriting. He picked up the envelope and starred at it for a moment before carefully pulling out the folded piece of paper inside. He put the envelope back down on the desk before turning his full attention to the piece of paper. He unfolded it slowly as he let out a shaky breath.

“Dear Matthew,

I lay in bed at night and I think about everything that’s happened to me through out my life, and I’ve come to the conclusion that life is against me. I’ve tried for years and years to get past what happened, but I can’t. I can’t let go and move on. He used my body for his own personal gain, and even now seven years down the road, I still feel disgusted about the entire thing. Sometimes I can still feel his hands touching me, and his warm breath hitting my skin. It’s not pleasant, Matt, and I’ve struggled with it for so long now that it feels impossible to put it behind me. So I’ve decided that I’m going to give up and take the easy way out. I’ve tried twice already, but you just had to keep saving me. In all honesty, this time I hope you’re too late. I’ve been miserable for so long now that I just want it all to end, and I want to move onto the Afterlife where I feel I belong.

I want to thank you for taking me in and giving me a home for the past seven years. I have no idea what I would have done without you, and I don’t think I could ever thank you enough for everything that you’ve done for me. But now your job is done, Matt. It’s time for you to let me go and move on with your life. You’re a twenty-five year old grown man who needs to continue making incredible music like you already do. You need to continue touring and doing justice for all your fans out there in the world who love you and the band. I know that you’ll miss me, but remember; I’m always going to be there with you in your heart. And no matter what you do with your life I’ll be proud of you, because I’m your annoying little sister that pesters the hell out of you and loves you very much.

You’ve been a wonderful guardian and brother to me Matt, and I’m going to miss you so much. I hope that you live on and do as you’ve always dreamed. I know that my death will sadden you, and you’re going to be angry with me for taking my own life, but you need to know that living in constant fear and being reminded everyday of what happened is tearing me apart. I refuse to keep living this way. I know that what I’m about to do is going to hurt a lot of people and that it’s very selfish, but I’m still going through with it and I can only hope people forgive me with time.

I want you to know that I love you more than anyone in the entire world, Matt, and I’ll be waiting for you in the Afterlife. Behave, don’t get into too much trouble with guys, and for God sakes please ask Val to marry you already. She’s been waiting around long enough for your ass. Tell the guys I love them and I’ll see them again someday.

Love Always, Jenna.”

Matt choked back a sob as he finished reading Jenna’s letter. He wiped his eyes before folding the letter up and slipping it back into the envelope. He looked around at Jenna’s room one last time as he held the letter tightly. For the first time in days he was actually smiling. He was proud of his little sister for everything that she had done, even if in the end she did give up and commit suicide. She was his whole world and he loved her very much. He knew that wherever she was she was finally happy and with their father who had passed just ten years before. She was right; it was time for him to move on with his life. He knew it would be a very hard thing to do, but he had a lot of people behind him to help.

“Hey…” Zacky said, knocking on Jenna’s door softly. Matt turned to him and gave him a small smile. “Are you okay?” Zacky asked.

Matt shook his head, “No, but I will be.” He assured his best friend. “Lets go hang out with the guys downstairs while we wait for Val to get here. I could use another beer.” Matt laughed softly as he thought about what Jenna had said about him needing to finally ask Val to marry him.

Zacky raised an eyebrow at his best friend, not sure if he should have been happy that he seemed all right or worried. “Well, alright.” He finally said with a nod. “Lets get you another beer then.” Zacky grinned.

Matt walked towards Zacky and the door before wrapping his arm around Zacky’s shoulders. “Thanks for being here man.” Matt said as he gave his friend a side hug. “It means a lot.”

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else but here Matt, and neither would the guys.” Zacky said, and the conversation stopped there. They went downstairs and spent the entire night with Val while drinking and telling stories about all their memories with Jenna. She was truly loved by each and every one of them, and from where she was standing in the clouds somewhere above she could see that and it made her smile.