When September Ends
Questions never confirm
We were sat eating dinner after just getting home from the park, both boys tired out.
"What was wrong last night, Dad?" Joey asked over the table
"Nothing was wrong." I replied casually, noticing out of the corner of my eye the concerned look that Adrienne had on her face.
"What do you mean Joey?" she asked
"I heard Dad crying" he said solemnly. Adrienne looked at me questioningly
"It was nothing" I said abruptly
"It was obviously something, Billie" she retorted.
I got up and set my knife and fork down and went down into the basement; my studio. I punched the wall, adding even more pain to my already bruised knuckles.
How the fuck could I do this on my own? It was so frustrating. I slid down the wall and started to hit my head off it rhymically, drowning out the footsteps of someone coming down the stairs.
I felt the hand of the person rest lightly on my shoulder, my head still hitting the wall, my eyes squeezed tightly shut.
"You can't block me out Billie Joe" she whispered softly
The drumming on the wall sped up, I was willing her to go away, leave me be.
"Open up Billie, let me in" she pleaded.
My head started hurting but I continued to let it drum off the wall repeatedly.
"Billie Joe, stop, you will hurt yourself" She said, taking a hold of my hand.
I stopped and slowly opened my eyes, to see her looking at me, her eyes brimming with tears.
"What's wrong?" she whispered. It was barely audible but I knew what she would ask as soon as I opened my eyes.
"Nothing" I hissed.
"I know there is though, please tell me, don't shut yourself up Billie. You can't lock everyone out" she replied.
I ran a hand through her hair and my thumb rubbed her forehead lightly as her tears slowly splashed down onto her lap.
"Please Billie Joe" she begged.
"I can't" I whispered, shaking my head.
"Why?" she asked
"Is it me? Have I done something?" she asked, not giving me a chance to speak
"No, it's not you, not you at all" I reassured her.
"Then what? What can it be Billie? Tell me, I'm your wife"
That's what is so hard, you're my wife, I can't hurt you like this. I thought to myself.
She leaned over and wiped a tear that had slowly been making its way down my cheek towards my chin.
She watched me for a minute, perhaps hoping I would tell her
I can't bare the thought of seeing the look on her face when I tell her. The look of pure horror, shock, anger, hurt, upset. I hate seeing her upset and the thought of me being the one to upset her tears me apart.
My cellphone started ringing, I took out of my pocket and looked at the screen that said Mike calling and I simply chucked it at the wall, seeing it spring apart as the battery disconnected from the phone.
Adrienne looked a little taken aback by my sudden outburst but sat there with me nonetheless.
"You should get back to the boys" I said hoarsely.
"Okay" she whispered. Her hand rubbed my shoulder before she got up and padded softly up the stairs, back to the hallway.
I crawled over to where the two parts of my cellphone were and put them back together and switched it on.
I went to my contact list and selected Mike.
"Wanna go to the bar?" I asked as soon as he picked up.
"Okay you call Tré, I will be over in about 20 minutes" I replied, snapping the phone shut.
I sighed before getting up and heading upstairs to change.
I quickly got changed and put some gel on my hair and brushed my teeth. I grabbed my keys off the sideboard and put a jacket on.
"Where are you going?" asked Adrienne from the living room.
"Out" I mumbled
"Where?" she asked again
"Just out" I snapped
"Leave me alone, okay?" I said
"Billie Joe, don't be like this, you have to talk to me at some point. I will find out what is wrong" she added softly, her brow furrowing
"I'll see you later" I said opening the front door, checking my pockets to make sure I had my wallet and cigarettes.
"What time will you be home?" Adrienne asked from the doorway
"I don't know, don't wait up" I said, slamming the door shut behind me.
***
It was around 2am when I was fumbling with my keys at the door, when Adrienne opened it for me.
"Hey! You gots the door open" I slurred, stumbling through the door, into her arms.
She held me up, as I swayed on the spot.
"Living room" She said, supporting my weight and guiding me to the living room.
"I fuckings lovesh you, ya know?" I asked, burrying my head into her neck.
"I know" she replied, pursing her lips and setting me down on the couch.
I pulled her on top of me and began kissing her neck.
"No Billie, you're drunk, you stink." she said sitting up from me but, I grabbed her wrists, holding her down
"Billie get off, that hurts" she said sharply.
"Shorry" I muttered, releasing my grip.
"How did you get home?" she asked.
"Michael" I replied
"What's wrong Billie?" she questioned again.
I bit my lip and looked at her, tears started coming down my cheeks.
I'm dying I said to myself.
"What was wrong last night, Dad?" Joey asked over the table
"Nothing was wrong." I replied casually, noticing out of the corner of my eye the concerned look that Adrienne had on her face.
"What do you mean Joey?" she asked
"I heard Dad crying" he said solemnly. Adrienne looked at me questioningly
"It was nothing" I said abruptly
"It was obviously something, Billie" she retorted.
I got up and set my knife and fork down and went down into the basement; my studio. I punched the wall, adding even more pain to my already bruised knuckles.
How the fuck could I do this on my own? It was so frustrating. I slid down the wall and started to hit my head off it rhymically, drowning out the footsteps of someone coming down the stairs.
I felt the hand of the person rest lightly on my shoulder, my head still hitting the wall, my eyes squeezed tightly shut.
"You can't block me out Billie Joe" she whispered softly
The drumming on the wall sped up, I was willing her to go away, leave me be.
"Open up Billie, let me in" she pleaded.
My head started hurting but I continued to let it drum off the wall repeatedly.
"Billie Joe, stop, you will hurt yourself" She said, taking a hold of my hand.
I stopped and slowly opened my eyes, to see her looking at me, her eyes brimming with tears.
"What's wrong?" she whispered. It was barely audible but I knew what she would ask as soon as I opened my eyes.
"Nothing" I hissed.
"I know there is though, please tell me, don't shut yourself up Billie. You can't lock everyone out" she replied.
I ran a hand through her hair and my thumb rubbed her forehead lightly as her tears slowly splashed down onto her lap.
"Please Billie Joe" she begged.
"I can't" I whispered, shaking my head.
"Why?" she asked
"Is it me? Have I done something?" she asked, not giving me a chance to speak
"No, it's not you, not you at all" I reassured her.
"Then what? What can it be Billie? Tell me, I'm your wife"
That's what is so hard, you're my wife, I can't hurt you like this. I thought to myself.
She leaned over and wiped a tear that had slowly been making its way down my cheek towards my chin.
She watched me for a minute, perhaps hoping I would tell her
I can't bare the thought of seeing the look on her face when I tell her. The look of pure horror, shock, anger, hurt, upset. I hate seeing her upset and the thought of me being the one to upset her tears me apart.
My cellphone started ringing, I took out of my pocket and looked at the screen that said Mike calling and I simply chucked it at the wall, seeing it spring apart as the battery disconnected from the phone.
Adrienne looked a little taken aback by my sudden outburst but sat there with me nonetheless.
"You should get back to the boys" I said hoarsely.
"Okay" she whispered. Her hand rubbed my shoulder before she got up and padded softly up the stairs, back to the hallway.
I crawled over to where the two parts of my cellphone were and put them back together and switched it on.
I went to my contact list and selected Mike.
"Wanna go to the bar?" I asked as soon as he picked up.
"Okay you call Tré, I will be over in about 20 minutes" I replied, snapping the phone shut.
I sighed before getting up and heading upstairs to change.
I quickly got changed and put some gel on my hair and brushed my teeth. I grabbed my keys off the sideboard and put a jacket on.
"Where are you going?" asked Adrienne from the living room.
"Out" I mumbled
"Where?" she asked again
"Just out" I snapped
"Leave me alone, okay?" I said
"Billie Joe, don't be like this, you have to talk to me at some point. I will find out what is wrong" she added softly, her brow furrowing
"I'll see you later" I said opening the front door, checking my pockets to make sure I had my wallet and cigarettes.
"What time will you be home?" Adrienne asked from the doorway
"I don't know, don't wait up" I said, slamming the door shut behind me.
***
It was around 2am when I was fumbling with my keys at the door, when Adrienne opened it for me.
"Hey! You gots the door open" I slurred, stumbling through the door, into her arms.
She held me up, as I swayed on the spot.
"Living room" She said, supporting my weight and guiding me to the living room.
"I fuckings lovesh you, ya know?" I asked, burrying my head into her neck.
"I know" she replied, pursing her lips and setting me down on the couch.
I pulled her on top of me and began kissing her neck.
"No Billie, you're drunk, you stink." she said sitting up from me but, I grabbed her wrists, holding her down
"Billie get off, that hurts" she said sharply.
"Shorry" I muttered, releasing my grip.
"How did you get home?" she asked.
"Michael" I replied
"What's wrong Billie?" she questioned again.
I bit my lip and looked at her, tears started coming down my cheeks.
I'm dying I said to myself.