Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

As soon as we reached Bournemouth, I knew I was going to have a serious love/hate relationship with the town.

As soon as I could see the ocean while we drove towards the venue, I couldn’t have been more excited. I had always loved the ocean, and even though it was the beginning of December and I wouldn’t be going swimming anytime soon, that didn’t matter. I just loved hearing the sounds of the waves hitting the beach and smelling the salt from the water. Of course, that was all ruined as soon as I saw the rocky cliffs all around--as soon as I started thinking of Amanda again.

It was strange, because I hadn’t thought of her in so long. I mean, I guess I did still flash back to the good memories a lot, but it was never sad. I had moved past that, and the nightmares, and the rut I had been in for so long after her death. But as soon as I saw the choppy waves and rocky cliffs, I was almost immediately taken back to the year before, and all the sadness that came with it.

Danielle and I were sitting in the back lounge of the bus, waiting for Phil to pull up in front of the venue so we could start doing our jobs. After the previous day and all of my complaints, I was trying to make sure Danielle knew how much I appreciated her. “I think we’ll have to go check out the beach quick before we go into the venue. What do you think?” she said, a smile on her face.

I nodded, but my expression remained blank.

“What’s wrong, Peyt? You love the beach.”

“Amanda,” I said quietly. I didn’t look at her as I twisted the ring on my finger around and around.

“Oh,” she said, just as quiet. “I’m sorry, Peyt. I forgot. We don’t have to--”

I cut her off. “No, we will. It just kind of hit me. I’m okay.” I gave her my best fake smile so she would think I really was fine. “As soon as Phil parks, we’ll go check it out. As long as Ollie’s okay with it.”

She smiled, and just like that the subject was dropped.

When Phil finally stopped in front of the venue, I went to find Ollie. He was in the top of the bus, changing into a more respectable outfit instead of his basketball shorts and a dirty t-shirt, and when he saw me entering the top area, he smiled. “I was wondering where you were off to,” he said by way of greeting as he slipped a black t-shirt over his head.

“Danielle and I were just checking out the view via the back lounge windows,” I informed him with a small smirk. “Which, speaking of, it’s kind of gorgeous out there. So we were wondering...” I trailed off, feigning innocence.

He smirked as he slipped a leather jacket on over a black American Apparel hoodie. “You wanted to skip out on load-in and go check out the beach?”

I laughed. “That easy to read, huh?”

“Go ahead,” he laughed. “Just hurry back.”

I thanked him before grabbing my own leather jacket off of my bunk and hurrying down the steps. I was moving too fast though, and I was anxious to get out to the ocean, so I completely missed the last step and went flying face first into the ground. Face, meet the floor.

“Ouch,” I muttered as I tried to get off the floor without causing further injuries to myself. I heard someone cackling though, and as my face turned 100 different shades of red, I caught Josh’s eye. “Prick,” I mumbled as I scrambled to my feet.

He shook his head as he kept laughing to himself. “You need to be more careful, Peyt.”

I wanted to ask him why he cared or to fire back with something witty, but I wasn’t quick enough. Danielle was coming onto the bus, her cheeks flushed and a look of pure excitement on her face. “Ready?” she asked me when I was finally to my feet again.

I merely nodded and walked towards her.

“Where are you headed?” Josh asked Danielle, completely ignoring my existence.

“The beach, we’ll be back in a little bit!” she called over her shoulder as she dragged me off of the bus.

We sprinted across the street but then took our time getting down to the sand. Danielle looped her arm through mine and we strolled along the water line. Unfortunately we couldn’t take our shoes off and feel the sand and water between our toes, but I could still see it all around me and smell it as well, so that would have to be enough.

We were quiet for awhile as we walked, but then it all started to sink it. The reality of it all, I suppose, or maybe just my emotions being a mess from my period. Whatever it was caused tears to appear in my eyes, and Danielle picked up on this right away.

“Hey. Hey, what’s the matter Peyt?” she asked, concern laced through her every word.

I shrugged and stopped, wiping the moisture from my cheeks. “I just miss her, you know? And I hardly think of her, so I feel guilty. Its like before, when I was feeling so awful, it was better because at least I was thinking of her. You know?”

She nodded, and we stopped to sit on the sand. It was freezing and it probably wasn’t the brightest idea to be sitting on the sand, but we couldn’t help it I suppose.

“You shouldn’t feel guilty Peyton. It’s okay to feel sad, but not guilty. We’ve talked about this. It’s not your fault, remember?”

I just shrugged. I hadn’t felt like this in awhile, but now that the feeling was back, it was back full force and I could tell it was going to be hard to shake.

After a few more minutes of sitting and crying and hugging, Danielle and I got up and decided it was time to go back to the venue, and for me, back to reality.

***

The show went rather smoothly, as usual. Merch was as crazy as ever, with a pretty steady line throughout the night. It was better being so busy though, because then Ollie couldn’t ask me what was wrong. Because something clearly was wrong, I just didn’t want to talk about it.

After the show though, once Ollie and I were packing everything up it was pretty quiet, he started asking questions.

“Peyt, what’s wrong?”

I shook my head as I folded some t-shirts up and put them away. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell him about Amanda, because he already knew, I just didn’t feel like bringing her up again and bringing all those feelings out again. I just wanted to put today behind me.

He sighed, taking the hint, and we finished packing up.

I started carrying boxes out to the trailer to make load-out a little easier, and I ran into Max. I was too far in my head to avoid him like I had been avoiding everyone else, and I literally ran right into him.

He immediately stuck his arms out to steady me, and I guess that was when he noticed the look on my face. “You alright, Peyton?”

I shook my head. There was no sense in lying to him about it.

“What’s wrong?” he asked as he took the box from my hands and set it on the ground.

“Just in a mood,” I mumbled, trying to get the box back. “I’m fine. I’m just trying to pack up.”

“No you aren’t fine, Peyton. What’s the matter?”

I shook my head again, insisting I was fine. This time, I won, and so I picked the box back up and started walking towards the trailer. Max followed, but didn’t push the subject any further.

“You know, we have a late bus call tonight.”

“Oh yeah?”

He nodded as we reached the trailer, and then took the box from me to put it on. “And we’re gonna have a little fire down at the beach. I mean, sure, it’s bloody freezing, but with enough alcohol, we’ll be fine,” he grinned, turning to face me after he finished his job.

I shrugged. I wasn’t exactly in the partying mood, but alcohol sounded good. Actually, alcohol sounded amazing. “Where and when?” I grinned.

***

Of course, the party was nothing special and due to the frigid temperatures, it wasn’t going to last long either. But that wasn’t the point. The point was the company and the alcohol.

On my third cup of mystery drink, I was definitely feeling the after-effects. I knew I would regret this in the morning, but right then I didn’t care. As I made my way to Ollie, who was saving us spots near the warmest part of the fire, I collapsed on the blanket placed on the ground to try and keep us warm.

He smiled at me and wrapped an arm over my shoulder, pulling me into his side. I noticed he too had a cup full of something good. It made me feel better about the whole thing, honestly.

“Having fun?” he asked, and I just giggled and nodded.

“I’m also drinking way too much, but who cares, right?” I asked, shrugging my shoulders and throwing my empty hand in the air carelessly. This gesture made Ollie laugh, which made me smile.

I glanced across the fire at Danielle and Josh, who looked pretty cozy as well. Josh wasn’t drinking, something about not wanting to ruin his voice for tomorrow, but Danielle was.

I was too wrapped up in Josh and how good he looked when he laughed at something Danielle said and how bitter I felt that Danielle was making him laugh and not me, that I didn’t even realize how close Ollie was.

“He’s watching, you know,” he mumbled. His breath ghosted over my cheek due to his close proximity, and I imagine if it had been any other time, with any other boy, I would have gotten shivers up and down my spine. This just seemed like one of those moments where that was the right reaction.

I didn’t move though. “Can I kiss you then?” I whispered just as quietly.

The smirk on his lips gave me my answer.

My lips were on his in an instant. I kissed him to forget Amanda, and I kissed him to forget the bad memories that were creeping into my brain. I kissed him to forget about Josh sitting across from me, probably glaring daggers into my back. I kissed him to forget about Danielle and Josh, and Max, and the guys...

But mostly, I kissed him to hide the tears welling in my eyes.

We were getting too into it though, and I knew this as I set my drink down to put my hands on him. I knew this as my hands raked through his hair and his arms snaked around my back, and I knew this as I felt our tongues dancing together. But it didn’t stop me.

What stopped me were the cat calls, the whistles, the “way to go Peyton!”’s that were being echoed throughout the frigid night air.

What really stopped me was when I heard Danielle calling after Josh, confused as he stormed away from the fire. What stopped me was the look he gave me as I quickly caught his eye right before I stopped doing what I was doing with Ollie.

I didn’t want it to be like this. I wasn’t this girl.

I immediately pulled away from Ollie, realizing where I was. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, struggling to get to me feet again. I didn’t say anymore as I brushed by everyone. I didn’t want them to ask me what was wrong, because I wasn’t sure I could say. I wasn’t sure I knew, honestly.

What was wrong?

I think the quicker answer would be what wasn’t wrong, I thought to myself as I made my way back to the bus. I needed tonight to be over. I needed to sleep and get rid of this feeling covering every inch of my body.