Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

I was waiting for him. I knew he had to come back eventually. He couldn’t just stay away from the room until Max and the guys came and picked us up. I’d torch his stuff if he left me alone with it long enough.

Okay, so that was a little drastic, but I’m sure that’s what he was thinking.

I wasn’t mad, though. I mean yeah, he left me to sleep alone probably all night, and we had sex, but I wasn’t mad. Surprisingly. I just wanted to talk to him, really talk to him. No yelling, no fighting, just talking.

I guess I was a little surprised when I heard the door open. I mean, I knew he had to come back, I just wasn’t so sure he would.

But he did. I heard the door open slowly, and then I heard his easy footsteps before he shut it just as gently. He probably didn’t want me to know he was back, but that was a stupid move on his part. We were in a tiny hotel room, for God’s sake. There was nowhere for him to go.

I knew I had to talk to him. We had even more to talk about than we did before. I eased myself off of the bed and carefully made my way out of the bedroom and into the sitting area, where I saw Josh residing on the couch, flipping through the channels mindlessly.

“Josh,” I spoke, catching his attention even though I was being rather quiet. “I think we need to talk.”

Even though I had his full attention, he wasn’t looking at me. He was staring at the TV, and if I didn’t know Josh so well, it would look like a blank stare. But I did know him, and so I knew he had a million different thoughts and feelings and emotions running through his mind faster than you would believe.

I didn’t move, and he didn’t speak. We stayed like that for several minutes, not speaking and not moving, until I had enough and couldn’t take it anymore. “Josh?” I spoke again, just as quietly, taking a step out of the doorframe and into the living room.

His head snapped over to me then, catching my eyes with his gaze.

I stopped short. His eyes were dark and intense and I didn’t know how to take it. Then he opened his mouth.

“What are we doing, Peyton? I feel like I’ve gone completely mental.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but I wasn’t exactly sure what that something would be.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about it and I’m trying to rationalize it in my mind and fix it or at least figure it out. But I can’t. I don’t know what to make of it.” His voice was so sad, and it was breaking my heart. I felt like all I did was make him sad, and that killed me. Maybe we weren’t meant to be anything more. Maybe this was as far as we were supposed to go.

I took a deep breath. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t really know either, Josh,” I joked. I was trying to lighten the heavy, dreadful feeling that had covered us. It didn’t work.

He shook his head and I watched as he raked his fingers through his hair. It was such a habit, a habit I had missed dearly. The pangs in my chest were evidence of this fact.

“It doesn’t make me feel better, Peyt. I would rather you had this figured out.”

I sighed and closed the gap between us before taking a seat on the couch next to him. I pulled my legs up under me and leaned against the back of the couch, staring at Josh, before continuing. “I can’t figure this out Josh, because I don’t know what you want. I can’t get inside of your head. Honestly? I don’t even know what I want.”

“Why is this all so bloody difficult?” he mused quietly, ruffling his hair yet again.

I didn’t answer at first, because I didn’t think I had an answer. But then I remembered the events of last night and realized I definitely did. “We had sex, Josh. That wasn’t exactly the best move if we didn’t want to complicate things.”

His head snapped up yet again, but something had changed. His eyes were darker now, as if me bringing up sex pissed him off. “You don’t think I know that, Peyton? You don’t think I know that last night was a stupid idea?”

I shrunk back slightly. I mean, yes, it wasn’t the best idea, but was it stupid? I had sort of thought it was something we had both wanted for a long time now, but I guess I was wrong. “We screwed things up, Josh. I don’t know what you want me to say,” I spat. “But I know we need to fix some things. What about Danielle Josh? What about her, hm?” I questioned, pissed all over again.

I watched as he rubbed his forehead vigorously, seemingly upset with himself now. “Danielle isn’t something you need to worry about, Peyton,” he said quietly. He was less angry, but only for a millisecond. Because when I scoffed in reaction, he was glaring at me all over again.

“She’s my best friend Josh, and I betrayed her,” I lied through my teeth. I already knew there was no betraying happening, but so what? Josh deserved to squirm a little.

He barked out an angry laugh before stopping in the middle of the room to stare at me. “You really haven’t changed much, Peyt.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re still a lying bitch, deceiving everyone around her to get what she wants,” he growled lowly.

“And what the hell does that mean?” I all but shrieked.

“Give it up!” he yelled, pointing an accusing finger at me. “You already know Danielle and I were never a thing. She bloody told me that you know, Peyton, so just give it up already.”

My jaw dropped. When had Danielle talked to Josh? Better yet, why had she told him all of this? Had she lost her freaking mind? I sighed, crossing my arms tightly in front of my chest before leaning back into the couch. “You’re a fucking moron,” I mumbled under my breath, but obviously not quietly enough because he had still heard me.

“Why’s that?” he questioned. “Humor me, please.”

“You know Josh,” I started, climbing off of the couch to stand so I was eye level with him. “You do this thing, and I didn’t even realize it until right now. But you do this thing where you push people away, and I imagine it’s because of Beth. You thought I was going to hurt you, so--and this is merely a guess so correct me if I’m wrong--but you pushed me away, picking something out about me and blowing it completely out of proportion so you could drop me faster than a hot potato.” I shook my head. “It’s like you don’t want to be happy with anyone, ever, and that’s a shame. Because we may fight and we may hate each other sometimes, but I’d like you to think back to last night for a minute and think about how perfect it was, and then I’d like you to try and push me away again.”

His mouth dropped, and I wondered if it was because I was spot on. I watched as a million different feelings crossed his face before he spoke again. “Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, yeah?”

“How so?” I asked calmly, narrowing my eyes slightly in curiosity.

“Well you don’t exactly embrace people with open arms, Peyton,” he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “I’ve never known why, and to this day I’m amazed you ever opened up as much as you did with me, but it was still never enough. You’ve never been 100% with me and I don’t think I’ll ever know why. Will I?”

Now it was my turn to be amazed. Talk about hitting the nail on the head. I needed to change the subject, and fast. We were wading into dangerous waters here, and I really, really didn’t want that. Not now. “The guys are going to be here soon,” I muttered, turning on my heel to head into the bedroom to grab my things. “We should probably get our stuff together.”

“Seamless subject change, Peyton,” he muttered.

I chose to ignore him, picking up my things so we could get out of that hotel. I had had enough. I just wanted some familiar territory again.

***

I had never been so happy to climb onto a bus in my entire life.

Josh had immediately brushed by me and headed into the back lounge, where the rest of the guys were seated playing a rousing game of Fifa. I was met by Max, throwing me questioning glances. He tried to talk to me but I didn’t want to hear it. “Not now, Max. It was a long night. Later, okay?”

He sighed but accepted my plea and let me head upstairs to my bunk. I just wanted to get a little more sleep, since last night hadn’t exactly been restful. Of course, nothing could be easy, and when I got upstairs it wasn’t exactly empty. I found Ollie lounging in his bunk, and I almost thought he was waiting for me, the way he poked his head out as soon as I appeared.

I sighed again, waving at him lazily before climbing into my own bunk.

He wasn’t having that though. “Oh no, Peyton. We need to talk.”

“I just want to sleep,” I mumbled into my pillow, seeing as I was face down.

I heard him laugh lightly before he poked his head into my bunk. “Please? Come out and talk for a minute, then you can sleep as long as you want. I promise.”

I grumbled some obscenities, but followed his lead. I felt like I had to tell Ollie we couldn’t do whatever it was we were doing anymore, because that would just complicate things even further.

We sat down on the little couch by our bunks and were quiet at first. Ollie was the first to break the silence though. “Something happened with Josh didn’t it?”

It was amazing how preceptive this boy was, really. I didn’t even bother denying it, because I was sure he’d know. I nodded wordlessly instead.

“You slept together?” he questioned, but it was really a question. It was like he knew the answer, probably because he did.

I nodded again. “Yeah, we did.”

“Peyton...” he trailed off tiredly. “You shouldn’t have done that to yourself.”

I felt like he was talking to a two year old, scolding them for eating the paste for the umpteenth time. I hated it, but in some ways I knew I deserved it. I felt like a little kid who deserved to be scolded. “I know,” I answered, just as tiredly. “Believe me Ollie. I know.”

I rested my head on his shoulder then, letting him wrap his arm around me and pulling me in closer. I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t need to. I just needed a moment in my head.

Ollie had other plans though.

“You’re just making this harder on yourself, love,” he whispered into my hair. “You know that, right?”

I nodded, trying to push the tears away that I could feel building up.

“You need to figure out what you want Peyton. If it’s Josh, great. Then you need to go after him, after you talk to Danielle of course.”

I groaned at the mention of her name. “That’s not even an issue, Ollie.”

“How so?”

“They were never a thing.” Before he could question it further, I stopped him. “It’s a long story, but to keep it simple just know that isn’t an issue.”

He laughed quietly. “Okay, so Danielle isn’t an issue. But what I was going to say was if it’s Josh you want, go after him love. Don’t wait around. Talk to him an figure things out, because if you wait then you may miss out on something that could be perfect for you. Of course if it isn’t Josh you want, you just need to take a minute and figure out who and what you do want, and go for it. Okay? You need to start doing some things for yourself, Peyton, and stop thinking about everyone else first.”

“Sounds selfish,” I mumbled.

He chuckled, causing my head to bounce up and down on his shoulder lightly. “We all deserve to be selfish once and awhile, love. That’s life, yeah?”

I didn’t say anymore and pondered what he said instead. Maybe Ollie was right. Maybe I did need to be a little selfish. Maybe I did need to put myself first, or else I’d never figure any of this out.

I thanked him, hugging him tightly before getting up and heading back to my bunk. I had some serious things to sort out, but not now. Now, I needed sleep and to clear my head. Everything would still be there later, that much I was definitely sure of.