Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

Four in the morning was an evil, evil time to be woken up by your own overactive mind.

I wasn’t used to waking up so abruptly due to my own dreams, considering my last nightmare had been so long ago. I thought I’d be able to fall back asleep, but once my eyes had adjusted to the darkness surrounding me, every time I tried to snap my lids shut again, they would just re-open seconds later.

I rolled out of my bunk quietly and stood, making sure Bryony and Ollie weren’t awake before heading down to the lower level.

I took a quick peak towards the bunk area, but it seemed rather quiet, so I took that as everyone was asleep. I took a seat at the table and grabbed my laptop, popping it open and messing around with it shortly so the brightness wasn’t so blinding before opening up my email. There was a message from my mom, just saying hello and letting me know she missed me, and there was a bunch of junk, but that was it.

I grabbed my phone out of my pocket then to check and see if I had any messages, but sadly there was nothing.

I sighed and shut my laptop, and put my phone away, and sat back to think.

I wanted to talk to Danielle. That was the whole reason I was where I was and why I was checking all of my messages. I wanted to talk to Danielle. I needed to talk to my best friend.

I scooted over and laid my head against the window of the bus, closing my eyes briefly before they were snapping open again.

Open and closed, open and closed. It was like clockwork. Or worse--deja vu. I knew this feeling, I had lived this feeling for a year. I was sick of this feeling, and up until that night I had forgotten what it felt like.

The dream was different though. It wasn’t a nightmare focused around the death of my best friend, but instead a completely different nightmare focused around my ex-boyfriend.

I couldn’t get him out of my mind. Josh was everywhere, and in some ways that was my own fault. I didn’t want him out of my mind. I didn’t want to forget Josh.

No. My eyes snapped open and I rubbed them furiously before snapping them shut once again. I did want to forget Josh. I needed to forget him, because he was everything that was bad for me right now. He hated me, he wanted me gone, he resented me, he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. Then we have sex and for a minute, for a split second, it feels like we’re back where we were a year ago. For a split second, I thought maybe things would be okay again.

But then I woke up alone and realized how stupid that was. We weren’t okay again, and there was a chance we never would be.

I opened my eyes again at this thought and I sighed. I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly to my body, because I hurt. I was hurting all over. I knew one thing though, and it came to mind the second I had sex with Josh, and was really proven true once I knew I wasn’t hurting my best friend.

I was still in love with Josh. I still cared for Josh, I still wanted Josh, and I still needed Josh.

I just wasn’t sure any of that mattered anymore. Too much had happened, too many secrets had been kept, and too much time had passed. There was a chance there was a bit of truth in Josh’s hatred for me still, and that thought alone made my heart hurt.

I had to talk to Josh, and fast. We had some serious things to figure out.

***

“Tell me again why I agreed to do this job?” I asked Ollie, grinding the question out between my teeth after handing over the last shirt to a particularly bitchy fan that couldn’t make up her mind.

He laughed. “Oh come on, Peyt. You love it. I mean sure, it’s a pain in the arse sometimes but it’s certainly not the worst job in the world.”

I shrugged. “It’s just been a long few weeks, Ol. I’m just ready to go home I think.”

“Well you have had a bit of a rough time, so I can’t blame you. You don’t mean home home do you? I’d hate to think your time here has broken you, Peyt. You don’t deserve that.”

My vision blurred at what he said. I rubbed them hard and fast before coughing to try and rid the lump in my throat. I shook my head. “I’m fine Josh.”

I snapped my eyes shut as soon as the word left my mouth. “Shit,” I muttered. I heard Ollie sigh, which had me opening one eye to inspect the damage. “Guess that tells you enough about how fine I am huh?”

The smile on his face was sympathetic as he nodded. “Did you think about what I said?”

“Of course I did. I thought about it all night, some this morning when Max so obnoxiously woke me up, and now I’m thinking about it all over again.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest in collapsed in one of the chairs. “Thanks for that,” I added sarcastically.

“I’m just trying to help,” he informed me as he sat down beside me. “Just here to help, Peyt. That’s all.”

I didn’t say or do anything more, because I had nothing else to add. We just sat in silence for a few more minutes before Ollie sighed and got up. “You’re impossible Peyton. You know that, yeah?”

I laughed humorlessly. “If you only knew, Ollie. If you only knew.”

***

After we loaded out, there was talk about getting some hotel rooms near the venue as a last hurrah for the bands on the tour. Everyone was all for it, despite being exhausted and not really feeling one hundred percent into the idea of an all out party. It was more just so the bands and crews could have some time to relax and hang out before everyone went their separate ways.

I wasn’t really feeling into socializing, especially not when Danielle wasn’t there. I could talk to the guys and Ollie, but I hadn’t really had time to meet or spend any significant time with the other bands.

None of that really mattered though, because I had made a decision earlier. I wasn’t over Josh in any way shape or form, and I needed to talk to him about such a fact.

Between all of the bands, we had a handful of rooms we were staying in, and it had become a game of sorts to hop between rooms to find people to say final goodbyes to and things like that.

I stayed in the room I was sleeping in that night with Max, Dan, and possibly Josh, sitting on the bed with my laptop while I tried to construct a plan to talk to Josh. I kept getting interrupted though, whether it was Ollie checking on me, Max drunkenly stumbling into the room to yell at me for not being social, or random other people saying a quick hello.

Just as I was in the middle of checking my email for the eight hundredth time, someone else was coming into the room. I took a sip of the beer Max had forced me to open earlier and looked up to see who it was. I was only mildly surprised when I found Josh standing in the middle of the room, half staring, half glaring at me.

“Hey,” I said easily, taking another sip of my drink. “Was hoping I’d see you, because I need to talk to you.”

He nodded shortly. “Yeah, same here.”

I closed my laptop and pushed it aside, pulling my legs up Indian style before patting the bed. “Sit?”

He shrugged but nodded and walked over, taking a seat at the foot of the bed. “So...” he trailed off, not looking at me.

“So,” I mocked him, only I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. “What’s going to happen after tomorrow?”

He shrugged, picking at a loose string on the bottom of his t-shirt. “We get to go home for awhile, and then in a couple months we’re going to start recording the new record.”

The future bands for the plan was not what I was referring to, but I guess it would do. “Time off sounds nice,” I said finally. It was lame and not at all what I was thinking, but I guess that was all that would come out. Polite small talk.

“Yeah.” He turned his head to look at me, and that was when I noticed I wasn’t the only one who had decided to drink tonight. His eyes were slightly glazed and his cheeks were flushed, common signs he had been drinking. He too probably had Max to blame for that.

“You know Josh, I’ve been thinking...” I trailed off, wringing my hands in nervousness. “And I don’t know. I just want to talk about you and me, really talk. Because we haven’t really gotten to do that.”

“Because there isn’t anything to talk about, Peyton,” he said quietly, but gruffly. “There is no you and me anymore, you’ve made that perfectly clear.”

“Why not, Josh? Why is there no you and me? Whose fault is that, really?” I asked, getting off the bed and standing in front of him, my arms crossed defensively in front of my chest.

“Certainly not mine, if that’s what you’re implying love,” he scoffed.

My mouth dropped. “Josh, I know you’re drunk right now, but seriously? Seriously?”

He cackled. “I’m not drunk, one. Two, yes seriously. We are where we are right now because of you Peyton, this one is all on you. It didn’t have to be this way, you know? It didn’t have to be like this.”

“I never wanted it to be like this, Josh. I never, ever wanted you to hate me like this. Why would I ever want that?”

“Because you destroy things that mean anything to you,” he growled.

The scary thing was I think he actually believed that.

“That’s not true, Josh.”

He scoffed, getting off of the bed so he could look me in the eye. “It doesn’t matter anyways Peyton. We’re going back to Surrey tomorrow, and soon you’ll be gone and we’ll never have to see each other again. It doesn’t matter.”

I shook my head. “It does matter, Josh. I’m not dropping off the face of the earth.” I threw my hands up in frustration before I started pacing around the room. “You act like I hate you, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Do you even know why I wanted to talk to you tonight, Josh? Do you?” I stopped to look him in the eye, but didn’t give him time to answer. “No, you don’t, because you didn’t even give me three seconds to tell you what’s on my mind.”

“Well why don’t you humor me, Peyton. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

He was so condescending, and his tone made my skin crawl. I hated that this was what it had come to, and it was just too much.

I laughed humorlessly and felt the tears burning at my eyes. “You want to know, Josh? Fine, let me tell you. I’m still in love with you, you inconsiderate ass! I never stopped caring about you, even after everything that’s happened. I don’t know what to do, and it’s really fucking awesome because none of this matters, because you hate me!” I yelled at him.

He was quiet for once, staring at me with his jaw dropped slightly and shock written all over his face. “What?” he said, his voice much quieter.

My own mouth dropped and I shook my head in disbelief. “I can’t believe this.” I didn’t say anymore as I brushed by him and walked out of the room. I slammed the door behind me, because why not? I stopped when I got into the hall and fell against the door, sliding down it until I was sitting on the ground.

What had I just done? I thought to myself, over and over and over again.

As I was contemplating jumping on the first plane back to the states, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. I dug it out and checked the caller ID, and when I saw Danielle’s name flash across the screen, I immediately answered.

“Danielle? Everything okay?”

I heard her sniffle on the other end of the line before she spoke. “Peyt?” her voice cracked. “I could really use you right now.”