Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

After the restaurant fiasco and once we all decided it was probably time to head back to Danielle and I’s apartment, the guys finally told us they were leaving the next day. They wouldn’t tell us when their flight was going to leave, which was annoying because then we didn’t know if we still had all of tomorrow to be with them or not. I guess it didn’t really matter because leaving was leaving and who cared when it was? This was probably the last time we would see them for quite some time.

That night, we all sat around watching TV, talking, and just enjoying each others company. Well, most of us enjoyed the other’s company. Josh and I just kind of glared at each other, still stewing from the restaurant incident.

At one point, I decided I couldn’t handle his intense glares anymore and announced I was going to bed. I hugged Max extra tight and received a kiss on the head before saying goodnight and heading towards my room.

I changed out of my outfit into a pair of shorts and a baggy t-shirt before climbing into bed. I wasn’t all that tired physically, but I was mentally worn out and that in itself was pretty exhausting. Despite that fact though, I could not for the life of me fall asleep. I tried counting sheep, counting backwards, and even resorting to the old fall asleep, fall asleep, fall asleep mantra, but nothing worked. Every time, my eyes would spring back open and I was back at square one.

I had a lot on my mind, I guess. And I knew I wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon, so I crawled out of bed and went over to the desk in my room where my laptop was sitting. I opened it up and after checking my email and Facebook and a million other mindless tasks, I ran across a picture of Josh and I that I had uploaded onto my computer forever and a day ago. I guess I had never gotten around to deleting it, and now it was coming back to bite me in the ass.

Suddenly, my fingertips were itching to write something, anything. So I opened up a blank Word doc and started typing. I typed and I typed until I couldn’t type anymore. I cried some, and I got angry, but I kept typing until I just couldn’t, until I had physically exhausted every word I wanted and needed to say.

When I was satisfied, I printed out what I had just spent and hour or more writing and read over my hard work.

Joshua,

For some reason, I feel this occasion calls for ‘Joshua’. Not ‘Josh’ or ‘Franceschi’ or ‘The One Who Broke Me’. But Joshua. It fits. It seems the occasion calls for the formality of your full name. Maybe it’s because I never call you Joshua and so that’s fitting. Because I don’t think I know you anymore, Josh. I think I did, and very well at that. But then something changed along the way. Maybe we changed. Hell, maybe I changed. Maybe I am completely at fault for all of this. Whatever the reason though, something changed, and I feel like we lost each other along the way.

Things got hard and complicated and tangled, and if I’m being honest I’ll tell you right now that I don’t know what happened to us. We were so good, you know? We both know it too, and that’s what hurts the most. We know how perfect we were together, and now its like that never existed and we don’t even know what perfect means anymore. What happened to us, Josh? What happened?

I can tell you right now that you hate me for the wrong reasons. Or you did, at least. I never slept with him, Josh. Not once. We never even got that far. But maybe you don’t even hate me for that anymore. Maybe you’re over it, over me. And if that’s so, that’s fine. Really, it is. I think I’d just like to know at this point. I laid it all out for you, Josh. I told you how I felt, how I never stopped caring. I wasn’t lying to you. I never lied to you, Joshua. Never, not once.

Except... that’s a lie. I did lie to you, and I guess that brings me to where we are now. I lied to you Josh, about something big. And that’s why you should hate me. Because I’m still not to a point where I can tell you about it. No, that’s a lie too. I can tell you about it. I’d like to tell you about it actually, but I’m afraid you’re going to shut me down and shut me out and never talk to me, and that’s what scares me the most. I’m afraid of telling people this secret, only to get left behind. Because then they have a part of me, and if I tell too many people, than too many people will have a part of me. Then what am I left with?

That’s the coward in me coming out, I guess. I was too afraid to share my secret, to open up with anyone because I just figured they’d leave. And then when you did that, when you left me, I knew, knew I didn’t want to tell you anymore because you already left, so what was stopping you from leaving again? That was, of course, if you ever came back to begin with.

So I guess that’s where we are now, Josh. I think I’m done for awhile. I’m done chasing and trying and thinking I can fix everything. Because I can’t. As they say, the ball’s in your court now. This letter, this is for you. This is my... apology, I guess? Yeah. This is my apology Josh. This is for hurting you, if I did, and for lying and keeping secrets from you, when you were so open with me. Maybe one day we’ll be able to talk, and I’ll tell you my secret. Maybe. Hopefully. I guess If nothing else, I really and truly am sorry for that, Josh. For not being ready, for not being open, for hurting you. I really, really am. Hurting you was never in my plans. But then again, neither was falling for you and look where that got me, yeah?

I know you’re going to leave soon. And I know we won’t see each other for awhile. But I hope you read this, all of it, and I hope you figure some things out. Because I know I have. Now I’m just waiting, I guess.

Ball’s in your court, Franceschi. What are you going to do about it?

Love (because I’m almost certain that’s what I felt for you, Josh... I loved you, and I still love you, and who knows if I’ll ever stop), Peyton

It was long and it was ridiculous and it was so, so much in one tiny little piece of paper. So much information, so many feelings, just so much that even I was having a hard time comprehending it all, and I was the one who wrote it.

With that, though, I folded the paper up and stuffed it into an envelope before setting it on my desk and writing “Joshua” across it in my messy, boyish handwriting.

I crawled into bed and closed my eyes and I knew that I was going to fall asleep peacefully that night.

And peacefully I did sleep, until I was woken up by the same boy who was the cause of all the stress in my life recently.

“Max won’t stop snoring. I keep hitting him but he’s a mental case and just hits me back before going back to sleep and snoring up a storm,” he mumbled awkwardly from his spot in my doorframe.

I mumbled a quick ‘okay’ before waving him towards my bed. He didn’t even hesitate before he took his shirt and his basketball shorts off before crawling into bed with me. I didn’t even mind. Maybe it was because I was still half asleep, or maybe it was because of that silly little letter still sitting on my desk, on top of my closed laptop. Whatever the reason though, I didn’t mind. Not one bit. I let his arm eventually encircle my waist and hold me close before I fell back asleep peacefully, blissfully, and happily.

***

I heard him rustling around the room, probably looking for his discarded clothing from the night before. I didn’t want to stir though, because it was all so quiet and so peaceful and it was nice, just listening to him rummage through my room looking for his things. I guess it reminded me of old times. It made me nostalgic. It made me miss him even more.

When I finally heard him tip-toeing out of my room after what felt like an eternity of him rummaging through things, and ever so carefully shutting the door behind him, I knew what was happening. They were leaving. I flipped over quickly before checking the time on my phone. Five twenty-six. It was so early. They couldn’t be leaving this early, could they?

But then I heard Max’s voice out in the living room with Josh, and I knew the truth. I sat up in bed quietly and looked around my room. Nothing seemed out of place, until I looked at my desk and saw the letter sitting there. I got up and hurried to it, inspecting it for any signs of breaking and entering. But it seemed the same. Not that it mattered. I was definitely going to give Josh this letter, and he was definitely going to read it. I just would prefer he read it when he was at the very least on the plane to another country, if not in said other country altogether.

I opened my door slowly before tip-toeing out into the hall. The guys were in the kitchen now, and I could hear them talking so I knew they wouldn’t hear or see me. I made my way to the guest room quickly and located Josh’s duffel bag. Throwing a quick glance over my shoulder to make sure the coast was clear, I opened it up quietly and stuffed the letter inside, right on top so I knew he would see it. Then, with a quick prayer that everything was going to be okay, I zipped his bag back up and then exited the room. I didn’t stop until I was back in the safety of my own bedroom. Alone.

Only then did I crawl into bed and push the thoughts of what I had just did into the deepest recesses of my mind, never to see the light of day. At least, not to see light of day for a very long time.

I knew this was it. I knew Josh and Max were leaving, and I could almost feel it in my bones that they weren’t going to say goodbye to Danielle or I. They didn’t like goodbyes. They got enough of them, and they were hard, and they just didn’t like them. I knew that. I accepted it as best I could in the time it took me to relax my body into my bed right then. I didn’t particularly like that my brother was leaving the country and that I wasn’t sure how long it’d be until I’d see him again, but as they say, [i}c’est la vie. I had to accept it and move on.

Accept it and move on. That seemed to be a common theme for me as of lately.

With that, I closed my eyes and prayed sleep took over my body as soon as humanly possible.