Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

I was so mad. I was so mad, that mad wasn’t even the right word anymore. I was absolutely furious. I wasn’t even sure who I was mad at anymore. I just knew I was mad, and someone was going to feel the wrath of Peyton pretty damn soon, that much was for sure.

Danielle and I left the restaurant soon after I stormed back in. I didn’t say anything to the guys, just gave Danielle the look and then just like that we were heading out of there.

I stomped down the sidewalk in silence, aside from the occasional mutter of a profanity. Danielle didn’t question it either, she just let me fume the whole way back to the hotel. It was when we were back in the safety of our own hotel room that she started firing questions at me, though.

I kicked my shoes off and walked into the bathroom while Danielle started her interrogation. “What the hell was that all about?”

I shrugged even though I was sure she couldn’t see it. I leaned over the sink and splashed some cold water onto my face, and then I stood straight and looked at myself in the mirror. When did I become such a mess? I thought to myself before turning on my heel and heading towards the bed. I collapsed on it and closed my eyes before I answered Danielle. “He knows, Dan,” I said quietly, my eyes still closed. “He knows, and now he’s just pitying me and he’s going to leave and in the back of his mind I’ll always be the poor girl who watched her best friend jump to her death.”

“Peyton...” she started, but her tone just made my skin crawl.

“No, stop it. I’m fine! I mean, I wasn’t, but now I am and I don’t need pity. I just...” I trailed off before I got off the bed and started to pace around. “I got mad, again, but what else is new? I feel like all I do when he’s around is get mad. And it’s stupid, but I literally cannot help it. It’s like... I don’t even know anymore, Danielle. I just don’t know.”

“You love him, Peyton,” she said simply, making my head snap over in her general direction. She laughed at my reaction and continued. “You love him Peyton! I mean, Jesus... please don’t tell me I had to inform you of that. Not to be rude but, please don’t tell me you’re that stupid and dense.”

I didn’t answer her. I collapsed onto the ground and sat Indian style, processing what she just said.

“I need to talk to Josh.”

***

I prayed they were home by the time I got there, because if they weren’t my life would become a whole new level of awkward. Fortunately, some higher power was listening to me right then because when I knocked, Josh answered the door. “What are you--”

“I need to talk to you. Really talk to you,” I informed him as I stepped into the apartment.

“Look Peyton, I don’t really have the energy to listen to you yell at me more, and I really don’t have the energy to yell back. So, maybe we can have round two tomorrow but--”

I stopped him. “I won’t yell and I won’t get mad, and if I do you can throw me out. I need to talk to you,” I stressed, praying it worked.

He didn’t answer, but instead walked by me and sat on the couch. I assumed this meant he was going to listen to me, so before I lost my nerve (and probably my only chance) I dove head first.

“I want to apologize for losing it earlier. But you have to see where I was coming from, where I am coming from. I was mad because you only said you still cared for me after you found out about Amanda. And that wasn’t fair, because I feel like you’re throwing this pity love at me, and that is the absolute last thing I want. Regardless of whether that’s true or not,” I added, quieting his protests, “that’s how I feel. And I’m going to have a hard time feeling any way other than that now that you know.”

“Peyton,” he started once again, but I stopped him.

“Let me finish!” I shushed him before going on. “While I’m sorry for losing it like I did, I’m still having a really hard time with this. I basically handed my heart over to you a few months ago and you didn’t even bother trying to contact me. Now, I don’t know when you found out about Amanda, but that just further makes me feel like you’re giving me pity love. I don’t want pity love, Josh! I just want....” I trailed off, looking to the ceiling for advice. Of course, it gave me none. I looked back down at him before saying, “I don’t know what I want anymore, honestly.”

I watched as he crossed his arms in front of his chest in a huff. “Finished?” he said finally after a few minutes of silence.

“I mean...” I trailed off, feeling extremely awkward all of a sudden.

“Do you want to hear my side of things now, Peyton?” I nodded slowly. “I found out about Amanda a few weeks ago, before we came out here. Max let it slip. We were arguing about you, but what else is new? Anyway, we were arguing and Max was really mad because, well I don’t know. Maybe I said something, I’m not sure. But he was mad and he let it slip in your defense. And maybe I am telling you I’m sorry and all of this after I found out about Amanda, but that’s just coincidence Peyton. I came to this conclusion when we went back to England.”

“What are you talking about, Josh?” I asked quietly as I sat on the couch next to him.

“Do you even know how hard this past year has been for me, Peyton?” he asked, his voice taking on a desperate tone.

“What do you--”

“No, its my turn now Peyt. Just bloody listen, alright?” I zipped my lips shut and nodded before he continued.

“This year has been incredibly hard, and I guess I don’t even just mean with you. Its just been a weird year. So you walk into my life and then walk back out like that, and I was mad. I was absolutely furious with you Peyton, even if it was partially my fault. I couldn’t see past how mad I was with you. So then you’re gone and I missed you like hell, but I didn’t know what to do about it because I didn’t think I wanted you back.”

“Josh--” I tried to interrupt, but he wasn’t having any of it.

“Let me finish. I have too much to say. I was mad at you when you went back to the states, and I just wanted to get over you because I didn’t know what else to do. But then I run into you at Warped and it was like the world was out to get me.” He sighed, rubbing his forehead in frustration. Probably remembering Warped Tour, just like I was. “So then you’re gone again just like that, and I felt okay again. I could get over you. Out of sight, out of mind. But you weren’t out of my mind because you were everywhere I looked.”

He got off the couch then and started to pace around the room. “So a few months past and I’m doing better, at least in the way that I thought of you less and I didn’t feel as mental. But then you had to show up again in England, and you go on tour with us. I honestly thought I was going to lose my mind. And then there’s Danielle!” he exclaimed, a look of amusement covering his face. “She was just as bad! Every chance she got she’d bug me about you. But then things got messy and Danielle found out about you and I and suddenly you were messing around with Ollie and I just wanted to punch something. It was like I just couldn’t win.”

“Why didn’t you just say something Josh? I mean I wasn’t exactly a picture of complete and utter happiness either, y’know?”

He laughed. “When was it ever that simple with us, Peyton? I mean... really? When could we ever just say something?”

I shrugged, because I knew he was right.

“Exactly. So I didn’t say anything and instead just kept getting angry with you, which obviously worked wonders for us because it just pissed you off. Which made me mad, and it was just a vicious cycle.”

“Can you please just fast forward to the letter, please?” I sighed. I was sick of the walk down memory lane. It was making me feel like shit.

He sighed as well and nodded. “Okay. So I found the letter at the airport. I had to open my suitcase before it went through security because I had left my ticket in there, and what do I find? Your letter. I read it so many times on the plane home that I could probably recite every word to you right now. But I was gone and you were in the states and I figured maybe, just maybe this was our chance to move on. To finally forget about each other. So that’s what I tried to do. I tried to forget you. But it was impossible, Peyton. For two months, I did nothing but think of you and miss you. I didn’t know about Amanda then, I just missed you. The you I knew back then. The crazy Peyton who would argue with me but then fall asleep with me on the couch at 3 AM, or the Peyton who I hated when I first met because I knew you were the kind of girl I could easily fall head over heels for. I missed you so damn much that I didn’t even know what to do with myself.”

I was crying by now. “Why didn’t you just call me, or write me a letter, or send a god damn messenger pigeon then, Josh?” I yelled. I wasn’t angry though, I just didn’t know how to take this. “Why did you wait two months until you ran into me again?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, Peyt. But then I found out about Amanda and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to suddenly drop at your doorstep and confess my feelings for you, but I couldn’t keep quiet either. So I just didn’t know what to do. But then we were coming back to the states and I wrote you the letter on the plane, but I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about it.”

I stood from my spot on the couch and walked towards Josh. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and stared him directly in the eye. “What exactly are you saying, Josh?”

“If you ever for one minute thought I stopped caring about you, you were wrong Peyton. I haven’t stopped caring about you since day one, because despite my numerous attempts at trying to stop, I just can’t.”