Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

I never used to find shopping malls repulsive and unbearable. I mean, sure, I wasn’t a total girly girl that Danielle tended to be, but I was no tom boy. I liked good clothes, and I like wearing pretty things.

But I hated shopping. Or maybe I just hated shopping on that particular day.

Whatever it was, as Danielle and I made our way through the local shopping centre in Weybridge, I was just about ready to launch myself off the nearest rooftop. It was just that Danielle did this thing where, if she thought a store even looked remotely interesting, we just had to go in. And that would even be alright if she didn’t find a store every where we turned.

After the tenth store and hours of shopping, I had had enough. “Danielle,” I snapped, just as she was pausing in front of another door, more than likely ready to venture inside. “Don’t even think about going through that door. Home, right now.”

She rolled her eyes, but obeyed, looping her arm through mine and heading towards the door. “You’re grumpy,” she commented as I was grumbling to myself, trying to find my phone so I could call someone to pick us up. That was the downfall of being in England: I couldn’t drive myself anywhere, and so instead had to rely on others to pick me up and take me places. I felt like I was fifteen again, and it wasn’t exactly enjoyable.

“I’m just tired, considering we just did enough shopping for a hundred people instead of just you and I.”

She laughed as I dialed Max. “Hi, I need a ride home. Could you be my savior and pick Danielle and I up?”

“Sorry love, I’m out wiff me mum buyin’ last minute things for tour.”

I rolled my eyes. “How mature of you to wait until three days before you leave,” I muttered. Louder, I said to Max, “Okay. I’ll try my dad or something.”

After Max apologized and we hung up, I called my dad. When he said he couldn’t because he was on his way to the office to check on some things, I was about ready to call a taxi when he suggested a better idea.

“Why not have Josh pick you up love? I’m sure he would in a heart beat, and I know he’s not busy. He’s at home watching Emmy for Hanna and I.”

I was quiet for a minute. Why not have Josh? I have about a hundred reasons why not, let me tell you, I thought to myself. To my dad I said, “Yeah maybe.”

“Sorry love!”

“It’s okay,” I reassured him and we hung up. I looked at Danielle dismally. “We have a slight problem.”

“What?”

“No ride, but we have two options. Josh, or a taxi. Personally, I vote taxi because it’s quicker and easier and it’s more expensive but it would probably be worth it.”

Danielle gave me a look that screamed, “are you fucking insane?”

“What?”

“You did not seriously forget my last taxi ride, did you? Even if you did, if you think I’m stepping foot in a taxi after that, you’ve lost your damn mind.”

I mentally smacked my forehead. Of course I forgot the Great Taxi Debacle of 2010. One night after a particularly good night of partying, trying to de-stress after mid-terms, Danielle and I had decided (more like were forced) to take a taxi home from a club. Long story short, our cab driver skeeved us both out and Danielle vowed to never take another cab for as long as she lived. I had laughed it off at the time, but now that she brought it back up, she was obviously serious. “Oh come on, Danielle!” I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in the air in frustration. “I don’t want to call Josh! He probably wouldn’t do it anyways.”

The way her arms were crossed in front of her chest and her defiant stare told me she didn’t give three shits what I was saying, because she was not taking a cab.

I grumbled a few obscenities before dialing Josh. While I waited for him to answer, I thought of all the ways I would kill Danielle if this drive ended in Josh and I fighting.

“’lo?” he answered finally.

“Danielle and I need a ride,” I said. As an afterthought I added, “Please.”

He laughed. He actually laughed at me. The prick. “What’s so funny?” I asked through gritted teeth.

“The fact that you think I’m gonna drop everything to pick you up, that’s what.”

“Oh come on, Josh!” I yelled, stomping my foot.

Before I could yell any more nice words at him, Danielle snatched the phone from my hand, rolling her eyes as she muttered something that sounded like “You’re so childish.”

Well then.

I watched as she talked to Josh, a sweet smile on her face. The one-sided conversation wasn’t very interesting, and yet I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Danielle. I listened intently to her side of the conversation.

“You’re the best Josh, thank you!” she exclaimed, that damn smile still in place on her face. She laughed then before hanging up and handing the phone back to my with a smug smile on her face. “Josh will be here in a few minutes.” I groaned before stomping over to the bench seated merely feet away from me. I threw my body on it in a huff.

“What is your problem, Peyton?” Danielle asked. She was irritated. I could tell by her voice.

“I’m tired, Dan, and I didn’t feel like dealing with Josh, that’s all.”

She fell into the seat beside me before looping her arm through mine. “What’s the deal with you two, anyways? I mean, I’ve never met two people who despised each other so much. Unless…” she trailed off. Her sharp intake of breath had me looking at her, worried and curious.

“What?” I questioned.

“Did you two have a thing that ended badly or something? Because, that’s the only reason I can think of that would have you hating each other. Then it all makes perfect sense.”

I laughed lightly and shook my head. Over the past few years, I had learned to perfect my lies and my ability to lie, and I guess it came in handy for situations like this. “No, Dan, we didn’t. We just don’t get along, that’s all. Never have, not since the first day I met him.” I shrugged nonchalantly, hoping my act was still as flawless as I remembered. “We’re like oil and water, I guess. Just two different people.”

She let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God.”

“Why?”

“Because I would have felt like a jackass if I had been trying to get you to like the poor boy and he like, broke your heart or something.” She turned her head and smiled at me. “Wouldn’t be very best friend-like of me, would it?”

I laughed to hide the pain I felt at her hitting so close to home. Also, for having to lie to her.

I don’t know why I felt it necessary to keep things from Danielle. She was my best friend, and she knew so much about me. She knew about Amanda, and she knew about my nightmares, even though those had long since disappeared (thank God). She knew every detail of my life, even about Jake and the drama from the internship in England. But for some reason, I wanted to keep Josh and I a secret.

Even though Josh and I were not long-lived, I still enjoyed the happy times we did have, even if they were few and far between. I guess I felt like if I told too many people of the bad vibes between Josh and I, then that would take away from all the good and make it seem like the good never existed in the first place. I didn’t want that.

Plus, I already felt bad enough for what happened—the lying, the yelling, the overall hatred—I didn’t need my best friend hating him as well to make me feel even guiltier.

Maybe keeping it from Danielle wasn’t right, but it felt like the right choice to me and so I was determined to stick with that until further notice.

By the time Josh was pulling up in front of us, I was more than ready to be home.

I let Danielle have shotgun because, really, did I feel like sitting next to Josh for the whole car ride home? I think not. I tuned myself out from their conversation in the front seat and watched as houses, buildings, shops, and other cars passed by my window.

Maybe it was the steady hum of Josh’s car, or maybe it was the repetition of the sights outside the window; whatever it was, it had my eyelids growing heavy. It was a short-lived car ride, but I still managed to fall asleep. I only woke up because Danielle was gently shaking my shoulder.

“Peyt, wake up.”

Her voice alarmed me. She sounded panicked, and when I opened my eyes and got a good look at her face, I realized she didn’t just sound that way, she was panicked. “What’s wrong?” I asked, alarmed, jolting up out of my seat.

She shook her head. “Nothing, but I think I left my purse back at the mall.”

I groaned. “Shit.”

She shook her head again. “No, it’s fine, Josh offered to drive me back on his way home. So you can go inside, Hanna and Max are back I guess. Go inside and nap,” she instructed me, helping me out of the car.

“Are you sure?”

She nodded vigorously. “Positive. I dragged you out once already, no need to make it twice. And he offered, really. It’s fine, Peyton.”

I nodded when I spotted Josh coming out of the house looking positively bright eyed and bushy tailed as he tossed his keys in the air and caught them. “If you’re sure.”

She nodded again.

“Call me when you find it okay?”

“Promise.”

“Ready to go?” Josh interrupted. “The longer we wait, the less of a chance we have of finding it.”

Danielle nodded in agreement. “We’ll be back,” she informed me before jumping back in the car and driving off with Josh.

When I walked into the house, Max greeted me. “You didn’t go wiff ‘em?”

I shrugged out of my coat and hung it on the coat rack with my own purse. “No. I’m exhausted. Think I’m gonna nap,” I said shortly before brushing by him to go to the first floor guest bedroom, where I was staying. There were two guest rooms in the house--one upstairs and one down, and I chose to take the one downstairs since I had a tendency to wake up in the middle of the night to pee, and there was a bathroom right across from my guest room.

I heard his footsteps following me as I waved hello to Hanna, who was bouncing Emmy on her hip and talking on the phone, and continued on my way to my room.

When we were out of Hanna’s earshot, Max started in with the questioning.

“Why didn’t you go wiff ‘em?” he asked as he leaned against my doorframe while I dropped my body onto the bed. I kicked my Vans off as well and brought my legs up in a semi-fetal position.

“I’m exhausted, Max,” I repeated. Honestly, what wasn’t he getting about that simple phrase?

“But she’s your best mate, yeah? Aren’t you a little worried she won’t find her purse or somethin’?”

I shrugged. “I’d be more worried if she hadn’t done this before. But she has, and she always finds it. So no, to answer your question, I’m not worried. Now will you stop with the interrogation? Because I’d like to take a nap.”

I heard him sigh, so I opened my eyes to catch his expression, maybe to figure out what was bothering him so he’d leave. “What?”

“Nothin’, Peyton.”

Groaning, I sat up on the bed. “No Max, it’s obviously something or you wouldn’t still be here. So what’s the problem?”

“Josh thinks Danielle’s fit,” he finally blurted out.

My expression didn’t change. Of course he did; most people did. I was used to it by now. Danielle was a pretty girl, and she had the type of personality that had her always smiling. She had a tendency to draw guys to her wherever she went. So yeah, I was used to it.

My lack of reaction bothered Max though. “Doesn’t that make you mad?” he all but shrieked.

“No,” I said simply. “Josh and I aren’t together, and probably never will be again. He’s moved on, like you said, so he can do what, or rather who he pleases.”

“Come on, Peyt, don’t be like that.”

“I’m not being like anything, Max. I’m tried, and I want to nap. So if this conversation’s over…” I trailed off, hoping he got the hint.

He sighed in frustration. “Fine, fine. Nap. We’ll talk later.” And then he left my room.

I curled up on the bed, under the covers, and rested my head on the extremely soft pillow. I should have fallen asleep in moments, because I really was tired. But my conversation with Max was now playing through my head, and I couldn’t stop thinking.

It took me awhile, but finally I rid any and all thoughts from my head. All thoughts but one.

The last thing to pass through my mind—right before my eyes fluttered shut and sleep overtook me—was Josh and how much I absolutely hated the thoughts of him moving on without me.