Afraid of Forever

They keep telling me that we're too young.

I keep agreeing with them because it's true. But I love him.

Its November 4th. I stare out of the bay window in his uncle's house and I'm lost in the tumbling of the powerful waves that crash on the beach. I can't say that I'm confused, because I'm not. I can't say that I'm making the wrong decision, because again, I know that I am not. But what I can tell you is that I am afraid. I'm afraid of forever. Eternity. It's a long time. I don't know if I'm ready for it.

I hear the creaking of the old, wooden floors telling me that someone is approaching my door. I wait for the knock as the creaking gets louder. The person on the opposite side of the door hesitates and knocks softly.

"Come in."

I turn to see my best friend Taylor. She is dressed in the soft pink bridesmaid dress that I picked out with her months before. I can't help but marvel at her beauty as she come towards me with her high heels in her left hand and two mini bottles of Jack Daniels in the other. I don't think I've ever been this grateful for her knowing me so well.

"Gia, why aren't you dressed?" She laughs at me even though her voice is authoritative and full of question.

"I have time. I don't walk down the isle for another hour and a half. Besides my make-up is done and that is the part that is most time consuming." I smile at her and begin to play with the fraying tie on the robe I'm wearing.

Taylor walks across the hard wood floor and sits down on the green flowered upholstered couch next to the imaginary circles I've worn into the floor from pacing pack and forth for the last quarter of an hour. I begin to pace again.

"Gia. Calm. Down." She says carefully as if I'll break. If I need to be brought back in off the ledge I'm about to jump off of.

"Tay." I whisper. " I'm not making a mistake, right?" But before she can answer I say, "No, I love him. I love him too much. This is right." I turn and look into her eyes hoping that she doesn't have any doubt in me. In what I'm about to do. In who I'm about to give everything to.

But her eyes speak of something else entirely. She is watching me carefully. Not saying what she wants to say because she doesn't want to hurt me. But I need to know. This is the biggest decision of my twenty-one years on this earth. I need to know.

"Tell me what you're thinking. If you think that I'm making a mistake tell me now. Tell me before its too late to have looked at every option again." I sit in the adjacent old, upholstered white couch. I stare at her.

She inhales deeply then looks around the oval room. Eyes darting from the white, sheer curtains to the french doors that lead to the balcony. Finally, she looks me in the eyes. "Gia, I don't doubt that you love him. Or that he loves you. It is all there. He looks at you with such admiration and love that it sometimes makes me want to cry. I want a love like you and Nate. I want to be able to call the love of my life by his middle name because I know that he likes it better than his actual first name. I want to be able to know that I would be loved back."

"Tay." I say as tears start to brim in my already troubled, moist blue eyes. But she continues on without looking at me now.

"I know that both of you want to marry each other. That is crystal clear. I just don't know why you can't wait a little longer, just to make sure. Even though you love each other people can just fall out of love. I just want you to be sure. If you are worried about anything discuss it with me now. I'll listen. I'll try to help. I just don't want you going into this marriage without making sure of everything and knowing that nothing is bothering you. That nothing about Nate will end up making you want to divorce him in ten years time. I want you and Nate to have forever." Her face is serious yet soft as she waits for my reaction.

I start to cry. Tears falling uncontrollably from my eyes. Soft sobs come from my chest.

"Gia, don't cry. It'll be okay. Talk to me." Taylor's hazel eyes look into mine but I can hardly see because of my blurred vision from crying.

My sobs start to become sniffles and when I try to talk I sound like I have a chest cold. I wait for my sniffles to cease then I stand up and hug Taylor so tight that she can't even breathe.
"Mmmhff mmmhff t-thank you Taylor." I say as I wipe under my eyes, hoping that my make-up didn't smudge.

"Here, drink some Jack. Jack is going to be our new best friend today." She laughs nervously as she hand me the six once bottle of Jack.

I break the seal and twist off the cap and swig the entire thing in under five seconds.

"Here," Taylor says as she tears the seal off the other bottle. "It will make you calmer."

"No. No, I'm fine. One will calm me enough. I can't be buzzed today. I'm five-foot-two; alcohol travels fast in me. I can't be drunk at my own wedding." I take a deep breath and waltz around the room one time and wring out my hands. I come to stand in front of Taylor now that she is again, sitting on the couch.

I look down at the ring on my left finger. I twirl it around my finger contemplating how to put everything that I'm thinking into words so that Taylor will understand.