Wake Up

Willow avoided Garrett like the plague at school for the remainder of the week. It wasn’t as hard as one would think. She knew every hallway, every route, every staircase that would lead away from Garrett’s normal path. Their non-relationship hadn’t gone on for very long, but it was crucial that they never crossed paths. There was always the risk of them making more than just eye contact should they see each other. Even worse was that someone could accidentally see.

And the problem wasn’t Garrett being friends with another girl. No, he had plenty of other girls he was friends with. But none of them had a reputation like Willow’s. There was a large chance that no other girl in school’s reputation could even hold a match to Willow’s. She was the spitting venom that landed on only those certain boys who were so daring to come within a ten foot radius of her. Any life she touched essentially shattered once she had done her work.

However Garrett was the lucky side of his and Willow’s non-relationship. All he had to do was act like everything was just fine. The hardest part for him was sticking to his schedule of showering his girlfriend with more than enough fake love to make her think that nothing was wrong. Of course things had been going downhill for quite some time now, and that’s why Garrett sought out someone else, but it was best if they just ignored that and carried on.

“So you promise you’ll take me out this weekend?” Nicole asked sweetly, her arms wrapped around Garrett. For a while now she hadn’t felt like his main priority, and hoped that whatever phase he was going through was now over. Nicole needed every drop of attention she could squeeze from any passerby; sinking her claws into Garrett had been easy enough when he was just a stupid fifteen year old boy and she was the girl who knew what she wanted. Love was all she wanted, and that had seemed easy enough to fulfill to Garrett when they entered their silly little relationship. It turned into more than that though, and suddenly they were in it for the long haul now.

“I promise,” he told her, looking into her copper eyes. It didn’t feel quite the same now when their eyes locked. Hers weren’t full of secrets masked by feigned innocence. Nicole’s eyes were rightly innocent, masking a manipulative mind and controlling demeanor.

Garrett lost his entire train of thought when he caught just the slightest glimpse of the golden blonde waves bouncing across Willow’s back as she rounded a corner and walked out of sight. He sighed, painfully remembering the icy stare he received from Willow upon walking into astronomy yesterday. They didn’t exchange a single word, both of them silently thankful that there wasn’t a partner lab to be completed that day.

Willow had to stay late at school to finish up a project for art seminar, rather angry that she couldn’t go straight home on a Friday afternoon. She was the only one working in the studio, furiously painting the canvas she had been slacking off on for weeks. Her anger was taken out in the brush strokes; harsh lines and rough stabs into the canvas didn’t turn it into anything beautiful, but it made her feel better.

She packed her things up once the job had been done “good enough,” turning the lights off in the room before shutting the door and walking out of the school. This was the second time this week that she had been at school after hours, neither encounter being especially wanted.

The sun was still burning in the sky, the summer heat taking over. The weeks before graduation were eating at her, leaving scabs of reminders that real life was coming, and it was coming fast. She’d be out of here soon and off to Occidental. Maybe she’d shed her reputation the minute she got out of Arizona. Maybe she wouldn’t.

Willow was fumbling with her keys and a handful of other things on the way to her car, more focused on the paint on her hands than looking straight ahead. That is until she noticed someone was leaning against her car, watching her.

“WHAT?” she half-shouted half-groaned, dropping all of the things in her hands to the ground in shock. She cursed, not even bothering to pick up the keys and the paint brushes. “What the fuck do you want!?”

Garrett just continued to watch her though, not saying anything. He blinked a few times, feeling his hands grow sweaty. This wasn’t exactly going as planned, but he didn’t necessarily have a plan, either. Garrett wasn’t even sure why he was here, leaning on Willow’s car in the late afternoon heat, wondering when she’d finally exit the building so he could force her to talk to him. Well, she spoke. Now it was his turn. What was he supposed to say?

Willow picked up her things, flustered. She moved to unlock her car, but Garrett wouldn’t budge from in front of the driver’s side door.

“Are you just going to stand there looking at me, or are you going to let me get into my car and leave?” she asked, the bite in her voice oozing venom into Garrett’s weak veins. It was impossible for him to stay away from her. The fact that he also wasn’t immune to her sharp words and soft touch kept him coming back, calling her on every night he knew he shouldn’t.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he said, still struggling to find any words. He thought they would all just come to him once he was face to face with Willow. Obviously that’s not how it was working out though, and now he looked like the douche bag he had been playing the part of since Tuesday afternoon.

“Funny, you said that once,” Willow remarked snidely. “And then you told me to go.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Garrett replied, obvious strain in his voice. Willow could hear it, feel it. What did she care though?

“You can keep saying that as much as you want, Garrett, but I don’t know how it’s going to change anything.”

He slid over, revealing the driver’s side door that would allow Willow to unlock the car, get in, and drive far away from Garrett. She didn’t move though.

“It’s just… I don’t know how to do this,” he admitted.

“Do what?” Willow asked, exasperated. Everything with Garrett was always a fucking mystery, to both of them. They never knew what was going on, and they had even littler of an idea of how to solve it and move through things smoothly. Everything was always speed bumps and potholes and wires in the road that they’d have to swerve around at high speeds, throwing them far off course and away from each other--but only for a while. It was never long before they’d be back on the same damned road.

“How to love two girls at once.” The words fell onto the ground like bricks, thudding and knocking the wind out of Willow.

She felt her fingers relax, everything almost falling out of her grasp again. Suddenly her head felt like a balloon, like it was just going to fly off at any second. The words ran through from ear to ear again and again as she tried to make sense of them.

“You… what? No, no, Garrett. You do not love me,” she told him firmly. “Garrett, I am the other girl. You’re not supposed to fall in love with me.”

“Well, maybe I don’t love you right now,” he said, his fingers fumbling together. “But I could. I know I could.”

“The only thing I am supposed to be good for is sex, but apparently you don’t even want that,” she spat. Garrett was the only boy she had ever helped cheat that didn’t want sex. Sure, Garrett sprang for everything else, but it was every time they ever got close, he cracked. Then he’d tell her to leave and they’d be over for a while.

He ignored the comment though. “Every time we’re together, I feel myself falling for you. I feel these things that I’ve never felt before with anyone else, certainly not Nicole. And, to tell you the truth, it’s scary as fuck. And I don’t know how to deal with it.”

“So you tell me to go, and then we ignore each other for a few days? I can’t keep doing this Garrett.”

It’s like cheating was a science that Willow had thoroughly studied and mastered. Garrett didn’t follow the rules though, and thus the equation was out of balance and skewed. His emotions were starting to get in the way. Every other boy Willow had been with hadn’t had any emotions. They never cared for her more than they cared for their girlfriends. Willow was just there, ready to be used, wanting to be used.

“I feel like I have to be around you though, I need to be around you, whether I like it or not,” Garrett said, wishing that Willow could just give in as easily as she had every other time before and take him back. Maybe she was really done with him this time.

He silently thought to himself for a moment how fucked up this all was, that he was bothering to go about fighting for some girl he shouldn’t even be friends with.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything,” she replied. “That’s not how it’s supposed to be.”

“Well I’m not saying I don’t want to be around you, because believe me, I do. A lot. All the time. But I can’t, and that’s what’s making it so hard. What am I supposed to do?” he asked her with complete sincerity. Willow could for once see the fragile person inside of Garrett, masked by those beautiful blue eyes. He really didn’t know.

Willow sighed. “Well, you should figure it the fuck out before you try to drag me back in and then push me away, Garrett.”

What other response could have been expected?

She moved to shove her key into the lock, opening the door and flinging her things into the passenger seat.

“I suppose you don’t want to see me again until I have it figured out,” Garrett remarked, backing away from Willow’s silver Honda Civic.

She just looked at him though, staring him down without saying a word. Willow belted herself into the driver’s seat and started the car, pulling out of her parking space and driving away from Garrett.

He kicked the ground, watching the back end of her car retreat until he couldn’t see it anymore. There was nothing more he could wish for than for things to run smoothly with both his girlfriend and Willow. It was impossible to keep the both of them happy at the same time. Maybe that was supposed to mean something, and Garrett had kind of grasped it, but hadn’t completely figured out what to do.

Add the factor of time and the fact that it was running out, and you had Garrett’s nonstop racing thoughts, trying to compute and figure out which girl he wanted. Well, he wanted them both. Garrett was selfish. He didn’t want to abandon the girlfriend he had worked to keep happy since the beginning of his sophomore year, the girl he was expected to stick with and stay happy with. That wasn’t happening though. He wanted more than just Nicole.

Garrett scuffed on to his truck, heading home and calling Nicole on the way. He said he’d take her out tonight and tomorrow night, to make up for how “busy” he had been the previous weekend. Neither of their dates were ones he wanted to go on, but his father had once told him that you do things you don’t want to and make sacrifices in order to keep the people you love happy. It was easier that way, Garrett guessed, to keep them happy instead of putting up a fight and causing a conflict.

Willow hardly slept a wink that night. Her mind was tossing and turning more than her body was, flip-flopping between whether she should tell Garrett to just take care of his girlfriend and carry on with his life, or to admit that she would enjoy being with him just as much as he said he enjoyed being with her. It was true, she liked him. More than she had ever liked any of the other boys. The “other boys” were just bodies, bodies made to give and receive pleasure. They were never anything more than a couple of good fucks before they left, and Willow never asked for anything more. In fact, she never really asked for anything at all. They all just knew what type of girl she was, and took advantage of that.

Yet with how things had been getting so complicated with Garrett, they had to talk about it. They couldn’t just fuck and be over with. No, Garrett made everything so much more difficult than that when he admitted his feelings were starting to get in the way. They had to start getting to know each other, what with how their friendship level in astronomy had been sky rocketing. And with the laughs and the jokes and the casual arms being slung around shoulders when everyone was too busy to notice, it was easy for feelings to get in the way.

At eight in the morning Willow gave up on sleep and headed downstairs for some orange juice. Her two younger brothers and parents were still fast asleep, always the ones who slept in so much later than she ever could. Just as she was shuffling down the stairs in her sweatpants and tank top, she heard a knock coming from the door. Alarmed, she moved quicker so that no one would be woken up by the nonstop raps on the door.

She swung open the door, rolling her eyes and groaning at the also pajama-clad Garrett.

“What do you want?!” she whisper shouted, stepping outside and closing the door behind her so that no one would hear. The sun was already shining brightly, the air warm and dry. “And what the fuck are you doing here, it’s barely eight!”

“Well, you seem to be awake, don’t you?” were the first words that came out of his mouth.

“Seriously now, Garrett. What the hell.”

“I can’t break up with Nicole because, she’s, well, she’s crazy.” He let the words diffuse into the air and into Willow’s head, where he’d let her make what she wanted of them. When he only received a raised eyebrow, he continued. “She’s horribly controlling and manipulative and sometimes she just goes into these moods that last for days, sometimes they used to last for weeks, but you see, I’m the only one who can ever make her feel better.”

Willow just stood there, staring and breathing, not even sure of what to think.

“But I don’t even love her anymore,” Garrett continued. “I don’t even really like her. The only thing I know is that I can’t leave her, because who knows what the fuck could happen. I don’t think she’d ever get in too deep, but sometimes the depression gets really, really bad. And I’m the only person who has ever been able to bring her back. That’s why I can’t tell her off and finally do what I want to do.”

“So… so what?” Willow asked, no bite, no sharp edges. “So the only thing this means is that you’re going to forget about me, and go take care of her, like you should be, like you’ve been doing.”

Those were the only selfless words Garrett had ever heard come out of Willow’s mouth. It was likely that she’d never tell him to leave her alone again, and that if he was smart, he’d listen hard and clear and run away now while he had the chance. But he didn’t. He stood planted on Willow’s porch, facing her and wishing that he was free from Nicole and her grasp so that he could kiss Willow right here and now without fear of a neighbor from school seeing.

“But I’m falling in love with you!” Garrett nearly shouted. He wanted to scream it, to feel it to the fullest. Since the first time he called Willow, he could feel this coming. He knew it would happen sooner or later, and had been doing his complete best to keep it pushed down to the darkest place in his mind so that he would never be able to feel it.

Willow shushed him, pressing a hand to her forehead while she thought. “Then I don’t know what to tell you, other than to either walk away from me right now and never come back, or to just let yourself fall for someone all over again and deal with it. Just because you have a girlfriend and you claim to be falling in love with me, doesn’t give you an excuse to push me away when you actually feel something for me and get scared. I’m part of this too, Garrett. Just remember that.”

It had been his defense from the beginning, and Willow had shattered it, just like he knew she would shatter everything else he held dear to him. His girlfriend was his excuse to tell Willow to leave, to go home because “this” wasn’t right and he couldn’t bear to do something like “that” to his girlfriend. He didn’t care about Nicole. Maybe if she could see how twisted Garrett was becoming, she’d be the one to give him up. Until then though, Garrett had to push Willow away every time he wanted to slip up and whisper that he wanted nothing more than to be with her and only her. His fear of falling in love with her was perfectly masked by the fact that he had other responsibilities.

“It’s going to be hell to work around Nicole and trying to keep her off our path,” Garrett started, “but Willow, I’ll do my damndest to try.”

And so Garrett, for the first time, gave in and felt for Willow what he had been suppressing for so long. He kissed her then and there, not caring who might be outside, watching the two teenagers kissing on a porch in the early morning.

“I’m not scared,” he whispered, hoping that it was as true as it sounded.