You Would Have Never Left Me Broken

"So, you're thinking nine o'clock?" I asked, shifting against my headboard.

Jaime cleared his throat on the other side. "Yeah, sometime around there. Maybe ten if we get burritos."

I laughed, pulling my blankets tighter on my lap. "Well, just text me when you get in, I guess."

"You want me to come over?"

"Either," I shrugged.

"Oh, so I'll have to surprise you?" he played.

"I mean...It's totally up to you. I don't want to see your ugly face anytime soon," I joked.

"Well I don't want to see your ugly face anytime soon either. In fact, I'm almost s a d to be coming home."

"How unfortunate. Maybe you should just never see me again."

"Yes, I really enjoy this whole only-talking-on-the-phone thing."

It was quiet as we both chuckled, and then he sighed.

"So, anything new at work?"

I opened my mouth to answer 'no' as my phone beeped, letting my know I got a message while on the line. Taking it away from my ear for a half second to see who it was- my coworker, Aaron.

"Uhm," my face burned, "N-nope, nothing new there," I gripped for a subject change, noticing how flustered I sounded, "Where are you guys right now?"

"Uhhh," Jaime said for a moment, caught off-guard from the subject change. "Just Norcal, I think."

"Hm," I bit my nail.

"You okay?" he laughed.

"Me? yeah. Fine. I think I'm gonna go to bed now."

"Alright. Sleep tight. I'll see you tomorrow, or Tuesday."

"Okay," I smiled at the sweetness in his voice. "Bye."

"Bye."

I was too flustered to tell him I loved him, and I suppose maybe from my sudden mood change he wasn't sure what to say. As soon as I hung up, the text from Aaron was opened for me.

We're grabbing drinks at the Lantern. Want to come?

I groaned, a nervous knot building in my stomach. Not wanting to worry about it, I turned off my phone, checked that my alarm was set, and settled down for sleep. There was a lot of tossing a turning to get comfortable before I gave an annoyed scream and flopped on my back, crossing my arms across my chest. Since Jaime's been gone Aaron was trying to get closer to me. He started at the company in May, and Jaime and I started dating close to February. Aaron always invited me out for drinks, or dinner with some friends of his. The few times I went, he slyly flirted with me and made it appear to his friends I was dating him. At the office, he was always calling me down the hallway, and following me to the break room to 'chat', when really he was trying to put moves on me. I figured I was good at shutting him down, and told him repeatedly I had a boyfriend, but I guess he just wouldn't give up. Aaron had told me he liked me, and I told him it was a nice compliment, but that I had a boyfriend. Somehow, he figured out Jaime was gone most of the summer and since he's been hot on my tail.. literally. The fact that I had a boyfriend made Aaron somewhat upset, and would get pissed whenever he caught me talking to my friends at work about him, or mentioned him on a night out. Because Jaime's been gone this whole time, I hadn't even thought to tell him that this guy was basically all over me at work.
I sighed, and figured there was nothing I could do at this moment in time but try to sleep. So I did.

After working all day, and ignoring Aaron's comments about "how fun last night was" and ignoring him when he asked why I didn't join them. My female coworkers cooed me when I announced Jaime would be home tonight, making my anxiety about Aaron go away, and the fluttering of my heart over Jaime return.

By now, I was at home. I'd gone on an hour long run, cleaned up my house, and eaten a small dinner since coming home from work. I was lounging on the couch, a glass of wine in hand, my hair now dry, and the marathon of Keeping Up With the Kardashians I'd been watching for the past hour displayed on the tv. I was growing drowsy, having pounded the pavement hard on my workout, but struggled to stay away, not wanting to say I'd gone to bed at nine, or ten or whatever time it was- too early, anyways.

As I was nodding off, a knock on my door roused me, and I jumped up at the shuffling of feet on the porch. Setting my glass down gently on the table, I walked softly to the door, undid the chain and lock, and opened it to reveal Jaime. My face lit up to see his broad body before me, hands stuffed in his pockets, waiting patiently. His lit up to see me, or me in my sparse pajamas. With a squeal I was in his embrace, my arms wrapped around his neck, face against his cheek, pressing soft kisses.

"What are you doing here?" I kissed him, then pulled away lightly. "I thought you'd go home."

"You said to text you," he shrugged, making his hand move up lightly on my side.

"Hm, I must not have heard it, I brought my arms from his neck and clasped my hand with his. "Come in!"

He gave a soft laugh, coming in behind me and shutting the door. I was walking back to the living room to pick up my wine glass, and then passed him again to go to the kitchen to get more. "You want some wine?"

"Sure," he laughed.

I smiled as I made my way to the counter, reached down another glass, and began pouring us some merlot. Before I could finish, a strong arm wrapped around my middle, soft kisses brushing down my neck and shoulder.

I giggled, my aim of the liquid missing the glass a little. I sent my spare hand behind me to tug his shirt. "Stop," I laughed as he kissed my neck again. "You're gonna make me spill it."

"That's okay," he placed a kiss on my ear, and held me closer to him.

I picked up our glasses and turned around, handing his to him.

"Thanks," he laughed, taking a sip as I did the same.

"Good?" I asked.

"Very good," he nodded, smiling as he leaned closer to me to place his glass on the counter. Once it settled there, his lips settled against mine, kissing me gently. I smiled, making him smile against me, and placed my free hand on his face, holding him to me as we kissed again, and again, and again.

"I missed you," he smiled.

"I missed you," I said softly, looking up at him, running my hand down his chest and to his waist. "Really missed you," I breathed, pushing my face into his neck, giving him a soft kiss there as I set my glass on the counter. He gave a small groan, placing his other arm around my back. I smiled, kissing him again, sucking lightly. He groaned a little again, giving a small laugh.

"Come on," I smiled, tugging his hand and running with him down the hall to my bedroom. Once the door was shut, I looked back to him and he tugged me to him, kissing me softly, hungrily. I smiled, pushing my hands up his t-shirt, thankful he wasn't wearing a sweater. He released to pull it off, and after doing so, pulled my tank top gently off me. I stepped forward, now totally naked at my top, and placed my feet between his, letting him kiss me fully, trailing onto my neck, his hands squeezing my sides lightly. My toes curled at the touch, making him feel it against his feet. He mumbled a soft "god" and sucked at my collar, pulling me down to my bed.

I pulled him over me, feeling a little too chilled to be on top, naked, and he braced over me, legs to my right, not straddling me. We were making out. I didn't mind at all. I'm sure he didn't either. My tongue slipped against his lips, his hand resting gently against my breast while his other hand pushed the elastic of my shorts over my hip bone. I sighed, taking a hand down to the waistband of his jeans. He pulled back and tugged my shorts off my hips. I laughed, bumping my chest into the air as I pushed them down further and kicked them off my tan, toned legs. It was obvious we would be doing much more than making out, so I sat up and kissed him gently, telling him I'd be right back. I hopped off the bed as he groaned, and winked as I opened the door and quickly stepped across the hall to the bathroom.

I checked the bottom drawer first- none there. Shit. I must have put them somewhere else. I had my arm tucked around my chest as I moved around and dug through the drawers. They weren't in the cabinet, so i checked in the medicine cupboard. There they were. I smiled and plucked a foil package, reminding myself to tease my roommate for putting them in the wrong place, and stepped back to my bedroom, and my boyfriend. I shut the door again, and when I turned to my bed, Jaime was up, buttoning his pants.

"What are you doing?" I laughed, placing my hands on my hips.

He growled slightly and zipped his pants.

"...Is there something wrong?" I asked, taking a step to him as he looked up.

"I think the question, Hannah, is more what are you doing?" He stepped closer to me.

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"Your phone rang," he leaned down to pick up his shirt. "On your dresser."

I watched him as he turned his shirt right-side out. "Someone named Aaron says he'll buy you another shot of vodka," he nearly seethed as he tugged his shirt over his head.

"Jaime-" I placed my hand on his chest, and he moved it away, pulling his shirt down to his waist.

"Don't." he moved by me.

It was evident he was going out the door. Going to walk out of here. Away from me.

"Jaime!" I cried, leaning down and grabbing the v-neck I'd worked out in to cover myself up with as I went out to the foyer.

He was grabbing his keys and slipping his shoes on as I approached.

"Jaime-"

"I don't want to hear it," he shook his head, pushing his right foot into his sandal.

"But it''s no-"

"Not what I think?" he finished sarcastically, looking up at me. "I don't care what it is, Hannah. I looked at the other texts, he invited you out to dinner, to drinks, said you "looked nice today"."

"You went through my phone?!" I shrieked, embarrassed from all he could have found in there- I texted my sisters about our sex life, how I felt about our relationship.. personal things.

"Bye, Hannah." he turned to the door.

"Jaime-" tears rushed to my eyes, I felt my voice crack. "It's not- It's really not!" I sobbed, willing him to turn around.

With a slight shake of his head he opened my door, and shut it loudly behind him. Not quite a slam- he wouldn't, but not the most gentle shutting of my front door.

I crossed my arms around my middle, crying, alone, in my entry way. Tears streaming down my face as I heard his car start and drive out of my complex lot. After being hurt, I was angry and screamed all around the house, dumping the wine down the sink, carelessly dropping the glasses in the sink. I cleaned my room, I made my bed, I deleted all of the text messages from or to Aaron from my phone. And after all such activity, in an hour or two, I sat on the edge of my bed catching my breath, phone ready to call Jaime, all I had to do was press the green button.

With a sigh, I did so, and took the phone to my ear. He wanted space when upset, and I hoped those two hours I spent in emotional turmoil were enough for him to hear me out. The multiple rings were my answer though, and I took in a hurt breath when I was sent to voicemail.

"H-h-hi, Jaime. It's Hannah...but I guess you already knew that. I don't know what happened tonight. Well, I do.. but I need you to hear me out, okay? I need to talk to you. I didn't like you leaving, or being angry with me. Jaime-" I sighed, a heavy feeling pumping in my chest. "Please, just talk to me," I nearly sobbed. "Please. It's all i want... Bye, racer," I said softly, using his nickname from when we first started dating. It was actually a joke about his scooter, which I teased him about, until he took me out on it, and we spent the afternoon and evening driving around old town and the piers. A smile planted itself on my face, calming me down as I thought about it. Then I looked at the floor and noticed a bracelet. It wasn't mine, so it must have been Jaime's, having slipped off with his shirt. I shook, picking it up and placing it on my nightstand. I missed him already.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but when I awoke, it was because my alarm was going off, and I realized it was 7:30 and my life had to go on. I groaned and lay on my mattress a little longer until I was no longer able to tune out the beeping. With a dilapidated hop off my bed, I walked to the bathroom and discarded my clothes for a shower before work. What usually would have been a 10 minute shower turned into nearly 30 minutes, though, as I stood under the warm spray and prepared myself for my day, to try not to think about Jaime, and wait until he called.

I was around 20 minutes late for work, having moved slowly through my apartment, but sped all the way to the office. I didn't socialize with anyone, except maybe to answer my phone or a question. I stuck to my filing, paperwork, and emails and before I knew it it was 4 and I was off the clock.

When I sat in the freeway in traffic, I considered my options of continuing to my lonely apartment, or taking the next exit to Jaime's house. Slowly but surely, as the woman on the radio babbled away about sports tickets, I built a plan in my head of how to talk to him, how to get him back to me.
In around an hour I was home, did a short workout, rinsed off, and dressed. By close to seven I was knocking on Jaime's door, fumbling with the hem of my tank top as I waited for someone- hopefully him- to answer.

It was his mom instead.

"Hannah," she said lightly in her spanish accent, trying to seem unaware to the fact that Jaime and I were fighting.

"Hi, Ms. P," I tried to smile, and tucked some hair behind my ear, rolling on the side of my foot. "Is Jaime here?"

She frowned a little, thought for a moment, and then nodded. "Come on in," she said softly, moving to open the door wider.

"Thanks," I breathed, mentally checking "Part 1- entrance" off in my head. My hands found themselves resting on my sides as she told me he was up in his room, and I nodded and thanked her again, making small steps to the stairs.

As I walked, I considered Part 2- The Approach. Act assertive? Act sorry? It all really depended on how he was feeling. Why not just ask him to talk? Or kiss him and make him want me again? I sighed and stopped outside his door. To my surprise, my right hand was curled in a fist, ready to knock. Hesitantly, I looked back at the stairs, longing to run back down them and out of this house. His mother, to my surprise, was standing there, and waved her hands away from her, encouraging me to go in, before walking away. I gave a short listen for any music he might be working on, and took a breath, squaring my shoulders and placing my hand on the knob.

When I opened the door, he wasn't really anywhere to be seen before me. The couch, tables, and pictures to my right. His desk and production equipment in front of me. I heard footsteps coming from my right, and when I glanced over, he looked up, probably wondering who was in his doorway.

"Oh," he took a step onward.

"Jaime," I said, sounding like I was pleading. "Please," I swallowed, calming myself down as I brought my hands to my sides. "I just want to talk."

He ignored me and sat on his stool at his computer, leaning down and plugging a cable into the unit beside it, and then messing around on the screen.

"Jai-"

"You can say what you want to," he snapped, his back still to me, "Or go."

My cheeks burned at the feeling of him treating me like this, and I snapped. I shut the door roughly. "Fine, I'll stay."

He had snapped around in surprise at my outburst, but slowly turned back to his computer. "Fine."

It was quiet between us as I stood there, looking at every inch of his room to give me the words to begin. Thousands of my thoughts since he left had swirled about every angle of the whole situation.

"I can see where it looks bad-"

He scoffed. Okay, maybe not the best line to start with.

"-but, please, hear me out."

I waited for him to turn around, or nod, anything, but he did nothing. I took a breath.

"Aaron, is a guy from work. I-I know you don't care, you probably don't want to hear about who he is, but he started in May. When you left for Warped he was suddenly into me- he'd go to the break room right after I did, he'd catch the same elevator as me, park in the same area just to talk to me more. At first I just thought it was because I'd been nice to him to welcome him, and he was looking for a friend, but... I don't know.. at some point it got weirder, and you were away, and I didn't want to worry you, or make you uncomfortable, and it wasn't really going anywhere anyways. Until he started inviting me out for drinks The night you were in.. New York, I believe, I got fucked up. I missed you so much, and couldn't get a hold of you," I shook, blinking away some tears, "so I threw everything to the wind, went to the bar and let him buy me drinks. I got drunk, but nothing happened..You know how I am drunk- loud and looking to dance. I think I got on the bar at some point, and took a taxi home. Since he's been asking me to dinner and drinks, and I just kept declining him, making his comments at work progressively affectionate.." I took a breath. Jaime hadn't even reacted, except for tensing his shoulders a few times."I guess... I guess what I'm trying to let you know is that there hasn't been anything between he and I.We went for drinks once, he sat in on lunch with Betty and I a few times, but we ignored him, mostly..." My voice was shrinking away. His huge room was offering no venue for my story, and I still wasn't even sure if he was listening, possibly having put some headphones in while I stared at the floor, I don't know.

I walked over to the couch, sitting on the edge of the cushion closest to him on his stool at his computer. "I guess what I'm trying to say is he liked me, and chased me, and I ignored him, like you're doing right now," tears fell down my cheeks, my voice cracked. "Because i knew, Jaime. I knew you were all over the country, missing me just as much as I was missing you," I sniffled, catching no response but a slight shift in his posture, and pushed a tear off my cheek, "But if you want to feel the way you're still feeling, I guess I'll have to try to accept that," I shook. This was the end of us. The end of the happiest 6 months I'd had in awhile.

He was quiet, looking down at his hands laced between his legs. I watched him for any sign of a change of heart, but none came. After it was quiet for a few moments, I took a shaky breath, what felt like the millionth since I'd been in there, and I stood up.

"Bye, Jaime," I walked to the door, opened it, and shut it softly behind me once in the red and oak hallway. But I couldn't let myself go yet, I still had to go downstairs. So, I wiped the tears from my face, and breathed as I sauntered down the steps. His mother was in the adjacent living room, reading a magazine, and hopped up when she heard me coming, looking at me expectantly. I gave her a small smile, and maybe a little wave, whatever that twitch of my hand at my side was, and went out her door.

The pace of my steps increased as I got to my car, and when I was there, I let out a sob as I started it up. With a swallow and dull stare at the dash of my car, I reached for my seat belt and latched it across my lap. With a breath, I started my car, glanced up at the windows of the second story, and backed out of the Preciado driveway.

After forcing myself to be calm the past 40 minutes or so, I was in no need to sob at the helm of my crossover SUV. I drove slowly, the window down, feeling the slightly sticky night air blow in against my face, making a cooling contrast to the tears drying there. I turned on my CD player, and the last one I'd been playing began somewhere in the middle.

"Enough For Now" by the Fray, a song Jaime contributed to this mix cd of his to me, played and I straightened my posture, forcing myself to observe the setting sun behind the palm trees and the overpass as I made my way home.

It was a 30 minute drive prolonged into 45 minutes by traffic, but around 2 minutes from my home, with a random, bored glance to my rear-view mirror, a single, stand-alone headlight was shining amidst the cars surrounding it behind me. It was a scooter, and on that scooter, in his bright turquoise shirt, black jeans and skate shoes, was Jaime.

My heart fluttered as I changed lanes to get to my complex's turn-off, and I watched eagerly to see if the scooter followed me, still unsure if it was really him. Sure enough it, did all the way through the turns and stop signs to my duplex. But when I parked in my driveway, it was nowhere to be seen.

I sighed as I undid my seat belt and looked down at my nails, picking up my wallet from the passenger seat. A jacket of his was sitting there too. I hadn't even noticed it on my way there earlier... With a sigh I opened my door and took the small hop down, a light clicking off in the corner of my eye.

I turned from locking my door at the shuffling of grass under feet, and there he was.

He looked at me, I looked at him, unsure of what to do. What do you do after you've stood before someone in their bedroom, crying out about your mistake and how much you love them? I shut my car door softly.

"Can I-?"

I nodded, and took a small turn, and went up my walk to my porch. He gave me space as I unlocked the door, and my cheeks burned, feeling like it was our 3rd date all over again.
Once the door was open, I stepped in and held it open to allow him in, shutting the door behind us once we stood in the cream tiled entry way, where we looked at each other, unsure of what to do.

Jaime stuffed his hands in his pants pockets. "I know that it wasn't right of me to storm out of here last night-" he started, looking at me, unsure. "But I was very... upset." he was looking at the tile again.

I gave a soft nod, understanding how it must have looked from his point of view. He seemed to struggle for words, opening and closing his mouth as he looked for how to say what he wanted to say next. "The thing is," he took his hands from his pockets and clenched and unclenched them over and over. "I've been cheated on before."

My heart fell at such a fact.

"Many times."

My heart fell more. I think I could feel it in my stomach by now.

He swallowed and scratched the back of his neck. "It'd be fine, and then I'd go on tour, and come home and find out she'd been dating other guys behind my back, or sleeping with someone in the same bed we did.." he shook his head. "I guess I was just hurt, and afraid that it was happening again. I-I told you, a while ago, that this was my first relationship in some time, and that's why; I've been afraid of getting hurt like that again, to, to know that I was used as some sort of temporary hook-up on her end, when I was putting my heart into the relationship, on the line..." he said quietly.

I took a step forward, and he looked up from the floor. "I'm here a hundred percent, Jaime."

He gave a slight smile as he swallowed, looking at me as he stepped forward. "I'm here, too."

I breathed, wrapping my arms around him, tears sneaking out of my eyes. "I'm so sorry you've been treated like that," I kissed his jaw. "You don't deserve it," I kissed him again.

He pulled away to look at me. "I'm sorry for blowing up, and not paying attention to you. I was listening, in my bedroom though," he said lightly, lacing his right hand with my left before he settled his head on my shoulder. "It broke my heart anyways to hear you crying."

"Jaime," I said softly, pressing my hand to his neck and rubbing it lightly. "I love you, okay? Remember that."

He kissed my cheek, standing up. "I love you too."

It was quiet as we were, again, unsure of what to do. He ran his hand through his hair.

"I hear there's a Mythbusters marathon on tv tonight..."

I broke into a smile, patting his side. "I'll get popcorn."