I'm Addicted to the Thrill

“Do you have to?” I asked him. It dawned on me that I could have been making the biggest fool of myself without realizing it. “Did you bring me out in public to keep me from making a scene?”

I cringed at the thought. Patrick didn’t deny anything that I said. He broke eye contact and started to play with the silverware. If he didn’t want me to make a scene, I was going to do just what he didn’t want. I was going to be the worst date he ever had.

“Y’know what, fine,” I started. “If you don’t love me, you could’ve said it before I stayed with you last night and before I agreed to come out with you tonight. Fuck this. I could have had a better time going to the club with someone.”

I stood and took the glass of wine sitting in front of me. I splashed it on him without him getting a word in edgewise. The stares of the other diners burnt holes into my skin as I made my way for the exit. If he wanted to find his way to me after that fiasco, he could. Then I stopped and realized my purse was still sitting on the seat in the restaurant.

I turned and stared at the front of the restaurant. All of the anger had washed out of me, and I knew that going back inside was going to be the worst thing I could ever do. The cold of winter in Ottawa was driving me towards the door when Patrick burst through the door.

“Was that completely necessary?” he yelled. Some of the passersby stared at us with curious intensity. I bit my lip and realized he had my purse and jacket. “You didn’t let me answer then you poured red wine on my white shirt!”

“In hindsight, I could have been nicer and you could’ve answered me,” I told him snatching my things from his hands. I started just walking in the direction I figured the hotel was in and heard his steps following mine.

“Goddammit, Danielle!” he yelled. I stopped and faced him. “I was trying to take you out and actually have a nice date with you. Then you freak the fuck out and go off in a direction that was completely wrong. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say!”

I paled at that idea. The idea that he wanted to give me a nice night never crossed my mind. I kept walking just to get away from the situation. I wanted to leave the disaster in the restaurant behind. Why did I have to be here? I wanted to still be in the apartment with Hope discussing her and Zach or just like or the shitty job she has at an elementary school. I wanted to be sitting in Chicago on my couch not thinking about having just spilt wine on the one person I’d ever enjoyed spending large amounts of time with.

***

My phone was ringing on the nightstand next to my knitting. I looked at it and saw Niki’s name and face on the screen. I hit ignore and waited for the weekend to end. I could find a way to stay in my hotel the rest of the time. There were others here with me, and I could claim to be sick. That would work… if no one came to see me at all.

The banging on my door started, and I stared at it with wide eyes then looked down at the phone in my hands.

“Patrick’s on his way,” read the text from my best friend. At least I knew what the knocking was. I didn’t want to answer it, but I didn’t have any real choice. He would be there until I answered it was my guess. Then it went silent.

I undid the lock and stared at my visitor. Patrick glared at me and pushed his way past me into the room. It felt just like the night before as he started pacing. He kept opening his mouth to say something but closed it as soon as he looked at me. I hated this. I almost wished he had chosen to go out with the others and leave me here behind rather than start this disaster.

“Dani, do you ever stay and talk rather than run away?” he asked. The frustration seeped into me and hurt. “Seriously. We fight, and you run.”

“Not always,” I sighed. “I just. You wouldn’t look at me. I thought you were there to tell me that I was wrong about guessing you were trying to say ‘I love you.’ I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to hear that, so I jumped to that conclusion and freaked out. Sorry about your shirt. I’ll get you a new one.”

He took a seat on the same bed he had sat on the night before to talk to me. I sat next to him and didn’t go for the needles on the night stand. I couldn’t look at him. My face was red as a beet, and I knew that I would cry. The emotions I had weren’t getting any better. I didn’t want to cry because of him anymore. I was sick of crying over nothing.

“You don’t have to. I wasn’t. I should have tried to stop you sooner,” he admitted after a silence had settled over us. I rested my head on his shoulder and waited for him to tell me to get off. I wondered if he was going to be the one to put the distance between us this time. I could try to manage it. I never let on to him how hard it had been for me since the wedding to try and keep from just telling him how much I cared about him. I wanted him to be the one to finally end it all. That would have been easier on me.

I could have sat there like that with him for the rest of the night, but it wasn’t going to get us anywhere. Patrick wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.

“I love you, Dani,” whispered Patrick. I looked up at him and couldn’t even bring myself to smile. I didn’t believe him. I thought he was just trying to tell me what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear it, but I never thought the words would come from him. I wanted to just cry. I could curl up on the bed and sob. “I really do. You’re frustrating and fun. You always capture my attention, and I don’t think I could deal with most of this season or life without you.”

I sniffled. The tears had actually started. I didn’t even think I would cry. The smile on his face stopped the tears for a moment. I believed it. He kissed me and just held me against him as I cried. I didn’t think that he was going to actually ever say it.

“I love you, too,” I said. “But you already knew that.”

“Yeah, I did,” he said as he shifted me into his lap. We sat like that without really saying a word or moving. I didn’t want to change any of it.

“You have work to do tomorrow,” I said to break the silence. “We should sleep. Or you should. I’m just tired.”

He laughed at me. We cuddled next to each other, and my mind flashed to when we were laying together on the couch at home. He and I always seemed to find our way to this after a fight or sometimes even before something bad happened. This time was different. Everything felt fine this time. I felt safe this time.