Sound of Silence

It’s been months now, and it isn’t getting any easier. Dean still misses his brother. He misses him more every day. The heartache isn’t getting any duller and sometimes, Dean can even hear his voice and it drives him insane. It still hadn’t sunk in that Sam wasn’t coming back when Bobby made Dean stay at his place. He stayed in the room Sam always took when they were there. The pillow smelled like him and for once Dean was thankful Bobby wasn’t too keen on cleaning house. He called Bobby’s home for three months, and finally Bobby told him it was time to get back out there because “sulking in this room is only gonna make you sick with sorrow, boy.” He was right, like always. But even after he was back on the road, he still rented two-bed motel rooms and always took the side Sam wouldn’t want out of respect, and every morning he would wake up and look at that side of the room. He’d feel like crying but he never would, because he had to be strong for his baby brother. Occasionally he’d have nightmares about the yellow-eyed demon and he’d always be after Sam. Dean would wake up in a fit and have a panic attack trying to find the lights to turn on, yelling for his baby brother to be there and be safe. When he saw the bed untouched and tidy, he’d remember that Sam wasn’t here anymore. Those were the nights Dean would break down. The empty feeling he knows he’ll never get rid of grow stronger than before and leave him hopeless and desperate. He wanted so badly to make that deal with the crossroads demon, but Bobby had given Sam the traditional hunter’s burial. The old salt and burn. Dean didn’t think he deserved that kind of treatment. He wasn’t a monster, he was his baby brother and he needed to be taken care of and respected. Dean couldn’t watch it. He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it. All the things he never got to say to him would have flooded back into his head like they do every night he has a nightmare; things like “I love you , Sammy,” and “I’m sorry I’m such a bad example for what a brother should be,” because you should never harbor the kind of feelings for a sibling as Dean does. He swore he’d always protect his brother, but now it’s painfully obvious that keeping promises was never something he was good at.