Baby, Just Breathe.

On the way home both John and I were really silent. I felt awkward around him and I didn’t know if he was just waiting for me to say something or was as embarrassed as I was. We spent the whole trip to home just listening to Ryan Adams again, but he didn’t even hum a song: he just drove, looking straight to the street.
I wondered if I did something wrong to upset him that much, but I couldn’t think of anything really.
I just tried to avoid the awkwardness from the dance on by avoiding him too, but cause I was on defense.
When he pulled the car over the sidewalk along my house, all I did was saying goodbye and got out of his car, walking fast to the door and into the house. I heard the car going away after a few seconds so I felt safe. I sighed and walked to my room, hearing my mom in the shower singing some song from Madonna.
I threw the bag on the bed and I led myself falling on it too. I felt frustrated.

“Oh, dear, you’re back! How was the day?”

“It was shit”

“Could you at least watch your mouth when you’re with me?”

“I’m sorry. It was awful…happy?”

I heard her footsteps coming closer, until she sat on the bed and tried to make me look at her. She was there with her hair all wet and her PJ on. I puffed, definitely disappointed and confused. She hugged me.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

I shook my head; She told me to go have a shower and to prepare myself for a mother-daughter night. I followed her advice and relaxed under the warm water, trying to clear my head up, with bad results. All I could think was John and how close we were while dancing, how much my heart was racing and how gorgeous he was. When I finished I got down to the kitchen, noticing my mom with a big box of ice-cream in her hands.

“I figured you ate a lot today so I thought you weren’t hungry”

“You figured right”

She gave me a tea spoon and we both went to sit on the couch of our little living room.

“Jake Gyllenhaal or James Franco?”

“How am I suppose to choose!?”

She laughed hard and decided to watch ‘Brothers’. The movie started and we also started to eat vanilla and chocolate ice-cream. I loved those nights: my mom knew that was the remedy to get me back being happy from a bad day. I knew she was about to ask something so I just waited for the question to come.

“So, do you want to talk about earlier?”

“Not really. I mean, there’s nothing to talk about”

“Sure? Because you look upset”

“Maybe, but it’s nothing important”

“It is important as long as it makes you frustrated” I hated when she was right “is it about John?”

Of course it is about him.

“Nah…it was just a really tiring day, that’s all”

“If you say so”

She dropped the conversation because she knew I would have talk, sooner or later.

“Ok, ok, you won. Yes, it is about John. He’s weird when he’s around me and I don’t understand what he wants from me. We flirt and then he makes fun of me, then everyone back there though I was his girlfriend and he said something about it that confused me and then we danced and it was amazing but then I walked away because I thought we would have kissed and it was really inappropriate”

She smiled at me and got closer to hug me.

“Do you like him?”

That question totally hit me. I knew I liked him some way but was it so evident?

“I think I do, yes. But it’s like a crush you know. He’s famous, he’s cool and stuff”

“There’s nothing wrong in liking a guy like that”

“Yes, it is wrong mom. He’s never home and I will be gone in a month or so. That’s not going to work and I don’t think I want it to work. It’s just impossible. Besides, I think he’s just having fun with me”

“You can’t even know”

“Whatever. I just don’t want to go to work on Monday”

“You should not avoid him”

“It’ll be awkward”

“Just if you think it will be”

“This whole situation sucks”

I took the box of ice-cream and ate a lot of it by myself to kill the frustration that was growing inside of me. We finally got to watch the movie in silence, and then I just felt really tired, so I kissed mom goodnight and walked upstairs. Fortunately, I felt asleep really fast, and the best part was that I didn’t dream. The next day all I did was staring at the ceiling and reading books: I needed some time on my own.
It was hard to keep my mind away from all the thoughts I had, from John. All I kept thinking was his amazing smile, his body, his big green potent eyes, and his lips. I liked him and knowing that the whole thing was impossible really led me down. I didn’t know what he wanted, and I didn’t know what I wanted either. It would have been easier if he never came back home from the UK, so I would have never met him and I would have just been one of his fans who was baby sitting his little sister.

On Monday I tried in everyway to tell mom I didn’t want to go to Sophia’s but she told me to ‘stick up to the man’ and try to pretend nothing happened. I prepared myself and rode my bike to the O’Callaghans.
Every minute I was getting closer to their house, was a reason more to go back to mine and never show up again. I should have called to tell I wasn’t going to help them anymore, but then I felt sad for Sophia, and I really couldn’t act like that to the kid. I would have done that just for her, yes, just for her.
I knocked on the door as usual and Mr. O’Callaghan greeted me with a big smile. He led me in and told me Sophia was still sleeping. He also explained that he would have been gone away again in two days.

“You can go and wake her up if you want to”

I walked upstairs trying to make no sound at all: the whole house was really quiet. I supposed Mrs. O’Callaghan was at work already, and that John, fortunately, was still sleeping.
I opened Sophia’s door and saw her under the blankets, hugging a toy. She was so cute.

“This is creepy you know that”

I turned around to see John with messy hair and basically half naked staring at me. I almost died because I didn’t expect him to scare me, and because I wouldn’t ever expect him to be shirtless and so close.

“You scared me, you idiot” he laughed “there’s nothing to laugh about”

“I’m about to have breakfast, you want some?”

“No, I already had mine, thanks”

He went down and I just wanted to escape from that house. I wasn’t prepared to meet him that way.
I stared back at Sophia who was still sleeping, no matter how loud we were talking. I got into her room and look out the window, just because I needed somewhere to hide, and somewhere far from John’s sight.

“Is there anything interesting to watch out there?”

I felt his presence behind me. He was whispering, and that was making me shiver. His breath was constantly hitting on my skin and that’s when I felt the need to walk out the room. Too bad he followed me.

“Are you avoiding me?”

“No, why would I?”

“Maybe because you feel weird about yesterday”

“There’s nothing to feel weird about yesterday”

“Oh, are you sure?”

“Yes, John, I am. Stop acting like you know everything about me”

“I just think you’re acting strange. You didn’t say anything in the car when we were getting back home, and now you’re trying to stay far away from me. I guess something’s just wrong”

“You’re making up things. I was just tired yesterday and I don’t feel well this morning…because…I’m on my period”

Perfect way to handle things, Lauren, really. Yes, blame it on the period, that’s so clever.

“Ew. Ok then, I believe you. I guess you’re just lunatic”

“Exactly”

“Ok, little looney, I’m off to practice. See you later”

“Yeah, see you…later”

He ran down and I felt relieved when I heard the car’s engine making noise in the street, sign that he really was gone for a while and I didn’t have to deal with him until the evening. Sophia got up and we managed to go to the park again, to have a pic-nic together. Mr. O’Callaghan needed to make some important phone calls and outside the weather was amazing, so the both reasons made us decide to go out for the day.
I rode the bike with Sophia on the handlebars like one the first days I was babysitting her: I remembered she was sad that nobody wanted to play with her, and that’s when I decided to be her friend for the summer. Back then it was all so easy: John wasn’t messing with my head and she talked about his like a mythological figure, like he didn’t even exist. Then it all changed.
We were eating sandwiches on a big blanket I put under a tree to get in the shades. It was a hot day, but again, we were used to it. Sophia was talking about how she wanted to go back to school and then she asked me when I was going back to my school. I explained I would have left town in a month.

“We will never see each other again?”

“I will be back for Thanksgiving; I’ll stop by to say hi, ok?”

She nodded and smiled. Her smile and her green eyes totally reminded me of her brother.

“Did you enjoy being with us on Saturday?”

“Yes of course babe, why wouldn’t I?”

“You looked weird”

Even a child got that something was on. I really couldn’t hide my feeling, didn’t I.

“Why do you think I was?”

“I don’t know”

“It’s ok Soph, I just felt a bit out of place because I didn’t know anyone but your family”

“Oh, ok. I get it. John thought it was about him” I almost choked with the piece of sandwich I had in my mouth “I heard him talking on the phone saying you were weird and you didn’t talk to him on the way home, then he caught me listening so I ran away because he tickles me when he sees I don’t mind my own business, or like he says, my own shit”

“SOPHIA! You’re not supposed to curse at your age! Your mom will kill me if she finds out!”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that whole monologue and especially at the curse, even if that gave me a lot to think. Apparently I didn’t fool John saying I was on my period, or should I say, he pretended to be cool about it but he knew he was the reason why I acted so strange. Really conceited but fucking true.
We got home at five, and I disappeared before seeing John getting in my way. I was trying to avoid him, true, even if I wanted to see him. Contradictory, I know. I felt like in a cage.
My heart was in a cage, and John owned the key without even knowing.