Baby, Just Breathe.

It was hard to sleep for the whole night. All I did was staring at the ceiling, thinking to what happen with John. I still felt his soft lips on mine and every time I closed my eyes I looked back to him kissing me, thing that totally made me smile, not to mention that made me feel my heart racing.
I was happy, and it was weird to think that my emotions were so affected by what he did.
The first thing I did when the alarm clock rang was running to the bathroom to have a shower; when mom saw me smiling while having breakfast she got that something happened and I was waiting for her to ask.

“You’re in a good mood on a Monday morning, something must have happened”

“Not really, I’m just loving this beautiful sunny day”

“If you say so” I got up the chair, ready to go “you’re not finishing your milk?”

“I’m in a rush. I’ll see you tonight yeah? Bye!”

I ran out and got on my bike, riding it so fast that in comparison Clark Kent was a total loser.
I arrived to the O’Callaghan’s house and I knocked on the door, as every day. I was really looking forward to see both John and Sophia, who basically jumped on me as soon as she opened the front door.

“I’m so happy you’re back baby! I missed you! Did you have fun on the weekend?”

“Yes but it would have been better if you and John were there too so we could have played”

“The next time we will go all together, deal?”

“That’s awesome!”

I closed the door behind me and walked with her in my arms to the kitchen. She was about to have breakfast. I helped her cooking the waffles, then I watched her eating and drinking her milk.

“What are your plans for the day?”

“Why don’t we go to the swimming pool?”

“I don’t have my bikini on, maybe we can go tomorrow?”

“Ok! Why don’t we go to our park then?”

“I didn’t know we were the owners”

“No, silly Lauren, but I like to think it’s mine and yours…and Johns”

I smiled and caressed her hair. She was so cute and sweet to me.

“Good morning ladies”

When I heard his voice I started to shiver. I looked at him and the first thing I noticed was his bare chest.
I felt my heart pumping, like it wanted to get out of my body. He was gorgeous, and the more I looked at him, the more I thought the word ‘gorgeous’ wasn’t enough to describe how he looked. His messy hair, his green eyes, his skinny frame…every inch of skin amazed me. I always tried to shut those thoughts up, but now that something really happened between us, it was really impossible to carry on in denial.
I liked him, a lot. More than I thought, more than I wanted to. I knew it wasn’t good but I couldn’t go on taking a step back every time. He didn’t need to do anything else to make me like him more than that.
I was already there.

“John are you busy today? Do you want to come to the park with me and Lauren?”

John shook his head while opening the fridge, looking for something to eat. I quickly looked to his back and his absent ass, but I turned back looking at the kid in front of me before he could see me.

“Yes, I’m up for it”

He looked at me and smiled.

“I’m going to get dressed, wait for me!”

Sophia ran upstairs, leaving the two of us alone. I felt awkward, especially when John sat in front of me and smiled. I didn’t know what to say to him, I just wanted to kiss him again.
I took the cup Sophia used and put it in the dishwasher. When I turned John was standing in front of me again, this time definitely closer. His half naked body wasn’t helping me thinking straight.

“Hello”

“Hi John”

“Are you ok?”

“Yes, totally ok”

“You seem embarrassed”

“I’m ok. I just…”

John probably liked kissing me while I was talking, because he did it again.
It was a quick small but nice kiss: his lips tasted of milk. He smiled at me and caressed my cheek.

“Are you ok now?”

I nodded and he smiled, going back to finish his breakfast. Sophia came down in that exact moment.

“Are you ready?? John why aren’t you dressed yet!? Come on I want to go!”

“Ok boss, I’ll be back in a minute”

He came back in a minute for real, still with messy hair but with jeans, a tank top and flip flops on.
We got onto his car and we went to the usual park we liked to spend our afternoons.
Sophia was an easy kid so she made company really fast. I never was that sociable with new people.
I looked at her from distance and loved how she asked for other kid’s name.
John and I were laying on the blanket we usually used for the pic-nic at the park, in silence.
Well, I was. John always tried to make a conversation but I answered just with a few words.
It was hard for me to act normal now. I wanted to ask him why he kept on kissing me out of nowhere without being honest with me. I wanted to know if he liked me at least the half I liked him.
Yes, the kiss totally helped me realizing he somehow cared about me. I just didn’t know how much.

“Is it everything ok between us, Lauren?”

Was he reading my mind?

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You don’t talk to me. You act different. Are you sure you’re ok? Did I do something?”

I shook my head.

“No John, everything’s ok”

“You keep saying that but it doesn’t look like you’re ok when I’m around”

“I am ok when you’re around, really!”

“Then why don’t you talk to me like we used to do last week” I didn’t answer and he suddenly got it right “oh, I got it. It’s because of the kiss”

“Kisses, plural”

“So you’re weird because we kissed”

“You kissed me”

“And you didn’t deny it”

“I didn’t know what to do!”

“So you’re saying that you kissed me back just to be nice with me”

“No, I’m not saying that, for God’s sake”

“And then why you’re acting like this now!?”

Because I like you and I don’t know how to tell you, little prick.

“I don’t know! It’s just weird!”

“I thought you liked me back!”

We were arguing by whispering and word after word we were getting closer. It was awkward when we basically looked into each others eyes. One more word and we would have kissed again.

“What? Like you BACK?”

“Yes! I came to your house to kiss you, why do you think I did it!?”

“I don’t fucking know!? Maybe because you didn’t score the night before with someone else!?”

“Are you seriously saying this!? I don’t sleep around, I’m a fucking virgin you-“

I stopped him.

“WHAT!?”

“Don’t make me repeat it”

“You’re a virgin!? John O’Callaghan is a virgin??”

He put a hand on my mouth and begged me to shut up and don’t tell anyone. I laughed and decided to stop fighting because it was pointless. I laid down on the blanket and he did the same. I felt his hand touching mine and I let him do it, until he tried to grab it. I let him do that too.

“Are you too?”

“Am I what”

“you know. The V word”

“Yes John, I’m the V word too. I’ve never had a boyfriend”

“We have something in common then. I’ve never had a girlfriend too”

“Good to know”

He sighed.

“I’m sorry if I acted weird today. I just don’t know how to handle this entire situation. It’s something new to me, I don’t know anything about guys and relationship”

“Maybe we can learn something together. If you let me…”

I looked at him and waited for him to look back. I stared into his green eyes and wanted to kiss him.

“Are you ok then if I kiss you?”

“I guess so”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Now?”

“Yes, now, you silly”

“I guess you can go for it”

He giggled and he leaned down to me, touching my lips with his. It was another soft kiss that got tons of butterflies flying in my stomach. I didn’t know what was going to happen from that moment on.
I just knew, deep inside, that being with John wasn’t going to be easy, and even if I wanted to be with him so bad, a part of me was telling me to be aware of the future.
John made me happy and I liked him the way he was. He didn’t have to impress me too much.
Although, there was something called life knocking at our door. He was a famous band member, whose band was getting bigger and bigger every day. I almost was a college student, and in less that a month I had to wave him goodbye. Was the pain of seeing him leaving worth it all?
Was I ready to live that last month knowing that sooner or later we wouldn’t have seen each other anymore? I didn’t know. I just wanted to be with John as long as I could, even if that meant move to the O’Callaghan’s basement. I didn’t want to leave him, but on the 8th September I had to anyway.
I was scared of what could happen in that month: I was so into him now that losing him would have broken my heart in two. But was I that strong to maintain a long-distance relationship?
Did I trust him? Did I trust myself?
I had so many questions in my head, and no answers that could have helped me to solve my doubts.