Living Silver

October 19th, 8:22 pm.

Only being friends with Pax was hard. The longer we hung out with each other alone, the less we talked about Karlee’s party and more about what it would be like if we were actually together. Luckily, I had come up with a not-so-clever angle that seemed to work every time. Whenever the conversation got too intense, I would pretend that my phone was ringing, and be excused by my “mother”, who wanted me home for dinner. Of course, she normally would never do that. She would just ask “are you going to be coming home before midnight or can I go to bed?” and regardless of my answer, it would be followed with “okay, have a good time!”.

Lots of things had changed from September. Since Karlee joined the soccer team, she had been blowing me off a lot more to hang out with either Dalton, or someone else I didn’t know. It was obvious that she didn’t have to go home because “her cat was sick”, seeing as she didn’t own one and I probably would have been the first one she would have brought over with her, since I worked at the shelter. I wanted to know what was going on, but truthfully I had blown her off in the summer to hang out with Pax, so I didn’t really have a reason to get mad. What did upset me though, was that at times during lunch, she would sit with Dalton, Trey and Ruby at their table, which meant she was also with Roxanne. That was a whole other level of pain if they were becoming best friends. I felt bad for her though, because Ruby had been at her throat for weeks now because of Trey, and the amount of stress she was being put through was becoming unimaginable.

Besides talking with Pax being awkward, everything had been going fairly smoothly, and no one really noticed anything different because we were just as weird and random around each other as we always were. Despite that though, it didn’t change my mind from wandering, and I would still, now and again, find myself picturing what he looked like without his shirt on, wishing I could go back and not call it off. It was, after all, my own stupid mistake that led to me ending it. But things were better than they were at the beginning, and Pax still looked out for me whenever he saw Dalton coming around the corner, or standing with Karlee. He would usually grab my arm and pull me protectively against him, then walk by with a glare. Karlee knew Pax didn’t like him—probably because he had indirectly stated it to me many times and she just overheard, and also because he wanted his brother to be with her—but she didn’t know about me. I pretended I was fine with him, but my guilt for keeping what happened a secret was growing by the minute, and I didn’t know what to do. It probably would have been a smart thing to tell her about him, about what he did, but really, they weren’t dating so she wouldn’t have had a reason to get mad unless he had told her already that he liked her. And judging by how Karlee had told me next to everything about what happened with them, I was going to guess he hadn’t. But I felt awful, because she was falling head over heels for a guy that was just a total tool.

But everything went horribly downhill with Pax and me on Karlee’s birthday. We had taken her out to dinner at a fairly upscale restaurant that had dinner and dancing with a live band. But I couldn’t really pay attention to any of that, because Pax in a fancy outfit was a real mind-buster. I spent most of the night with my eyes on him. When people in our party group began getting out of their seats to dance, my ears were once again drawn to him. He stood up with a girl in his graphic designing class, smiling and laughing at something she had said. She put her arms up on his shoulders then and flipped her hair back. Pax suddenly looked over at me and winked. I sucked in my breath quickly, turning back to Karlee and Trey, who were sitting across the table from me. It frustrated me easily how he could be so relaxed while he flirted with her, like nothing had even happened with us. But I had a feeling that his casual demeanour wasn’t the only thing that frustrated me.

“I can’t believe Ms. Anderson and Mr. Griffin are actually out on a date,” Karlee laughed. “I never would have actually thought our plan would work.”

“I wonder if they’ll get married,” Trey suggested, leaning back on his chair and crossing his arms with a smile.

“You never know.”

“Hey.” A hand landed on my shoulder and I looked up, startled. Pax stood above me with a goofy grin on his face. “Would you like to dance?”

“Uhm, I don’t know,” I said, glancing across the table. Karlee scoffed and waved a hand in the air.

“Go ahead. Have fun. You won’t be missing anything,” she said.

“In fact, you. Get up,” Trey cut in, grabbing her hand and pulling her out of her seat to the dance floor. Ruby had luckily left earlier when Dalton asked to talk to her privately about something. No one really noticed when they left, except for Karlee. I looked back at Pax and he offered me his one free hand. With an unsteady breath, I took it and he helped me up, joining the others on the hardwood floor. Pax actually had the decency to look a little nervous as his arms came around his waist. I put my hands on his shoulders, and I shivered the minute we made contact.

“Who was that girl?” I felt inclined to ask.

“I don’t even know,” he said with a light laugh. “I never felt like asking for her name.”

“How come?”

“She’s boring,” he replied.

“Oh.” I smiled at him, then glanced over at Karlee and Trey. They were talking to each other as they began to dance, until Dalton came up, said something and sent Trey away. Then he and Karlee walked out the back door together. I rolled my eyes and looked back at Pax. He was just staring at me, searching my eyes for something that I couldn’t figure out.

“What?” I asked him. He took my hand again.

“Come on,” he said, and pulled me off the dance floor. There was a small dark hallway that led to the bathrooms, but for some reason they were placed right at the far back corner of it.

“Where are we going?” I asked, leaning against the wall for a second. Pax put his hands beside my head, and my heart immediately began pounding a million miles a minute. “What are you doing?”

“Something I never should have stopped doing,” he said, and suddenly his lips crashed against mine. My eyes went wide, but regardless of how I probably should have slapped him or screamed at him or something else that just got him off of me, I couldn’t do anything. Maybe it was a state of shock or just because I didn’t want him to go anywhere, but I couldn’t move. His body was pressed right up against mine and excited butterflies fluttered happily inside of my stomach. His hand went to the back of my head, causing me to tilt it upward and deepen the kiss. I couldn’t control myself; my hands came up and held fistfuls of his silky black hair.

“Pax,” I whispered when he leaned back to take a breath. “This isn’t right.”

“Who cares?” he returned, and kissed me again. His hands slid up my sides painfully slowly. It was the good kind of torture, but it was so wrong, and my resistance was minimal. My head and my sanity were both screaming at me to push him away, but my body and my heart were asking for me to pull him closer. But rationality won, and I put my hands on his chest, giving him a shove backward. Pax could only stare at me, shocked.

“If this is all you can think of, then maybe we shouldn’t be friends,” I snapped, and left him alone in the dark hallway to think about what a big mistake he had just made.



October 30th, 9:53 pm.

I didn’t allow myself to be alone with Pax at all since Karlee’s birthday, until the night before Halloween for Dalton’s party. Even then, we weren’t particularly alone together. Molly and Shay were the ones who convinced me to go at all. I was hesitant, because I never wanted to see Dalton again in my life but I didn’t want to spend my night by myself in my room doing homework. I was kind of depending on Karlee and Trey’s appearances at the party, but when it hit nine o’clock and neither of them had replied to their text messages, it became pretty obvious they weren’t going to show up.

Molly and Shay were very good at making an entrance so when we walked into the party around eight, Shay, at once, threw her arms up in the air and yelled “party! Wahoo!”, and headed for the kitchen to get a drink. She and Molly were both old enough for it because their birthdays were in January and March, but since I was two years younger even without having a later birthday, I couldn’t do any of it. Obviously most of the people my age didn’t care anyway since the ones that arrived earlier were already on their way to passing out from consumption, but I refused to drink even a little.

But I considered changing my mind when, all at once when I walked into the living room, I spotted Dalton, Ruby, Roxanne, Pax and Gage. Gage was sitting with two of his friends on the couch; Pax, Roxanne and Ruby were in the corner talking to each other while Ruby was nearly in tears over something I could only imagine was stupid; and Dalton stood by the stereo while his friends argued over what kind of music to put on. Gage noticed me first and stood up, making his way over. I held my breath since the last time I talked to him, I had yelled at him and then ignored any message he tried to give me to apologize.

“Hi,” he said with a tiny smile, smoothing his shirt down.

“Hello,” I replied, folding my arms over my chest.

“How have you been?”

“Good,” I nodded. “And yourself?”

“Not too bad.”

“I haven’t seen you at the shelter,” I said, my head involuntarily tilting to the side. “Did you quit or something?”

“No, I just told Meredith I wouldn’t be coming often. University just piles the projects on, so I don’t have a lot of free time.” He shrugged and sighed. “Listen, I wanted to—”

“I know,” I cut in, smiling. “It’s okay.”

“Yeah?” He was surprised obviously and put his hands in his back pockets. “I thought you would still hate me for what happened. I . . . I’ve missed you.”

“Me too,” I admitted.

“I’m sorry, I’m not really good with apologies,” he chuckled, a little uncomfortable. “Do you think it would be okay if we hung out sometime? I’d like for us to at least be friends again. It would be a real bummer if, every time we ran into each other, it was this awkward.”

“Uhm . . .” I glanced over his shoulder at Pax, who was staring directly at me. It was very unsettling, so I quickly looked back at Gage. “That would be great,” I nodded and managed a smile. “I’d like for us to be friends.”

“Okay, great,” he grinned. “Well I’ve got to go find Molly. I’ll catch up with you later?”

“Yeah, absolutely,” I said. He gave me a light hit on the side of my arm and walked around me to find his girlfriend, so I quickly left the room before I had a chance to run into anyone else I didn’t feel like seeing. I spent most of the night with Shay, who was very good at controlling how much she drank and keeping her sanity as well. But she was a party empress and she didn’t even have to make out with someone to have a good time; she could create a whole room of dancers just by grabbing someone’s arm and pulling them into a circle.

But my night was ruined the minute I saw Hailey step into the house with the two friends I had seen her with at the beach. She obviously spotted me too and began to make her way over but I turned in the other direction and bashed directly into Roxanne. She yelped and put a hand on her chest to steady her breathing. I just couldn’t catch a break tonight.

“Hey, sorry,” she laughed. “I didn’t see you there.”

“That’s okay,” I said quickly, moving to walk around to her but she grabbed my arm.

“Wait.” She looked at where her hand was, obviously picking the option to not touch someone who couldn’t stand her. “I just wanted to know if it was possible for us to make some kind of pact or something.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Well Karlee and I have been hanging out a lot lately and I know that you’re her best friend in the world. So I was thinking that if we were to try and get along, it would be a lot less stressful on her. I doubt she wants to hear us fighting every time we’re together,” she explained.

My gut took a painful turn. Roxanne was the one Karlee had been hanging out with all this time? I think the worst part of it was how I had to find out about it through the person I disliked only a little bit less than Hailey. Even Karlee couldn’t be honest with me about it. She ditched me for someone she only really knew for a few months, over me. Now it all made sense; the more she hung out with Roxanne and her friends, the more she changed into a different person and now, I could understand why.

“What?” I asked Roxanne, my anger bubbling up to the surface now.

Her eyes widened. “Oh God. You didn’t know. I’m sorry! Should I not have said anything?”

“God, she’s such a liar. I knew something was up but I never would have expected this would be the situation!”

“Andy—”

“You know what? Forget it. Have fun with your new best friend,” I said, throwing my hands up in the air and walking away. I saw Hailey in the dining room with Pax nearly backed up right against the wall while she talked to him. She ran her hand down his chest and pushed her hair over her shoulder, revealing thin, tanned arms and a small black dress. Pax looked at me then and opened his mouth, prepared to call something out to me but I shook my head and turned away, walking up the stairs. I nearly jumped into the bathroom and closed the door, running my hands through my hair.

Coming to the party was obviously a big mistake. I turned on the tap and put my hands in the cold water, giving my face a little wash. I needed to cool down, because my skin was on fire and my cheeks were flustered bright red. There was a light tapping on the door and Shay stuck her head around it, before stepping right in and closing it behind her.

“Knock knock,” she said, crossing her arms. “Are you all right? I just saw you bolt out of nowhere. Is everything okay?”

“Not really. I think I should leave,” I said. “I shouldn’t have come tonight. It would have been better if I just stayed at home.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked, putting her hand on my back.

“I’m just kind of overwhelmed right now. A party isn’t the best way to get rid of that feeling,” I replied. Shay crossed her arms.

“Does this have to do with Pax?”

I blinked, stunned. “How did you know about that?”

She laughed. “Come on, as if it isn’t obvious. I’ve hung out with you two before. The minute you stepped in the room, his eyes were just glued to you. Every time I see him, he’s looking at you or trying to find you.”

I shrugged. “Well it doesn’t matter. Hailey’s all over him now.”

Shay shook her head. “Molly told her to back off. I was just with her and she told Hailey that she needs to understand Pax doesn’t, and never will have feelings for her.”

“Really?”

“Yes! Andy, go talk to him.”

“Okay,” I said, nodding assertively. “Yeah, I think I will. Thanks.” I patted her on the shoulder and left the bathroom, walking downstairs and right into the kitchen. I found Pax leaning against the counter, sipping on something from a red plastic cup. He swallowed it with difficulty and cleared his throat, looking up at me. “Pax?” I asked and he smiled. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said, but his posture and the fact that he had lost the ability to stand up straight said otherwise. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

I rubbed my forehead, put my elbow up on the counter beside him. “I know.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know how to talk to you after the birthday party,” I confessed. I looked over at him when his head rolled back and his eyes closed. “What are you drinking?” I grabbed his cup and sniffed it. Immediately, the smell of alcohol entered my nose and I scowled, putting it down behind me. “Pax—”

“I’m drinking so I can handle the sound of Hailey’s voice,” he said, pushing his bangs out of his eyes. “And I’m . . . I’m trying to get rid of my thoughts of you.”

I sighed. “What do you want, Pax?”

“I want you.”

He stared directly into my eyes, his hands shaking. Then yelling from another room burst into the kitchen and I jumped, not expecting it. “I have to go,” I said, spinning around and racing for the door. Shortly after, people began piling out of the house for a reason I didn’t even bother to find out about. I walked home so fast I was nearly running and when I got home, I collapsed on my bed, head buried on my pillow.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out, reading the text message from Shay.

Where are you?! Dalton just kicked everyone out because someone puked on his mom’s bed. I can’t find you anywhere!

I tossed my phone to the side of my bed, tired and beaten. I felt betrayed, because Karlee had lied and kept secrets from me; angry because of everything that happened with Dalton; and sad that no matter how hard I tried, this mess with Pax just wouldn’t go away.

And finally, for the first time in months, I let go of all my built-up emotions, and cried.



When Monday came, I kept Pax by me because I didn’t want to be alone when I walked by Karlee. She was powerful, even though she didn’t know it. And every time I saw Dalton or Roxanne, I kept my eyes glued to my shoes. I felt like I had no one in the world to turn to, because Trey was barely talking to me since Ruby was, once again, sucking up so much of his time. She had broken up with him shortly before the party, then spent most of it crying over him, which explained the tears when I first saw here there. But now she wanted to talk things over with him and Trey—being the nice but stupid guy he was—didn’t want to mess it up again. So he went along with it.

It was times like these that made me miss Aimee more than I already did.
About fifteen minutes into the lunch period on Monday, I stepped into the cafeteria with Pax, looking for a table.

“Will you please tell me why you’re so upset?” he asked me. He really had no recollection of what happened at the party and what he had said to me. Shay and Molly knew, because they came over to my house on Halloween night and we had a movie marathon, where I accidentally spilled all. They were very sympathetic.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Pax. Can we just eat lunch?” I asked.

“Can I talk to you?” Karlee’s voice cut in suddenly as she appeared by my side.

I crossed my arms and frowned. “About what?”

“What do you think?” she asked rhetorically and nodded to the hallway. I walked out behind her with Pax just kind of trailing us both, wanting to listen to our conversation. “Listen, I’m sorry—”

“For what?” I cut in, my eyebrows raised. “For forgetting to invite me to hang out with you or for lying about it? You know I trusted to.”

She dropped her shoulders, beginning to show her weak side. “I know. I wanted to tell you but I figured you would think she was becoming my best friend instead of you,” she said, “and then you would get even angrier. I just didn’t want you to see it that way.”

“Oh come on,” I said with a snort. “If she really wasn’t becoming that close to you, you wouldn’t have hid it from me. You’re like . . . a mini-Roxanne.”

“Andy—” Pax started to say, but I didn’t want to listen to him. If I was going to hear his voice say another sentence to me, I wanted it to be an apology. Otherwise, I would have bitten his head off.

“You’re all ’oh, makeup! Oh, designers! Oh, I’m lying to my best friend but I’m really not two-faced! Honest!’,” I mocked her, trying to get her to understand how she had changed over the months. My cheeks burned with rage and my hands balled into fists. I could feel my own nails puncturing the skin in my palms. “Do you even see it? You’re not you anymore! You used to be this really sweet girl but ever since you started spending time with Roxanne, you’ve changed. You’re dating Dalton, you’re lying to your friends, you’re so absorbed in pleasing other people that you’re not even paying attention to what really matters!”

I could see her eyes watering and my heart took a sudden jab. I felt bad, but she needed to hear the truth. Of course, I couldn’t tell her the whole truth, but I could at least tell her what she really needed to hear from me. The Dalton issue was a conversation for another time. “That’s not fair,” she said.

That wasn’t fair? I nearly screamed. She didn’t know “unfair” even if it landed in front of her with a big sign to show what it was. What I had been experiencing the past few weeks was unfair. Keeping secrets from my friends wasn’t fair, hiding my feelings from Pax wasn’t fair, acting like I actually liked Karlee’s choice in guys wasn’t fair. No, she didn’t understand what I was feeling. She wouldn’t know what “not fair” meant until she stepped in my shoes and saw things through my eyes.

I could only manage a scoff, and to get out “I’m done here,” before I turned around and walked away, finally feeling a little bit of relief wash over me.

I needed that.



November 15th, 4:17 pm.

The fight with Karlee didn’t even last a week. We were fully friends again by the middle of November, which was exactly what I needed. Pax and I however, were on unsteady terms. I couldn’t trust him with much, because I didn’t know what to expect. But that all changed around the middle of the month, and things finally began to return to normal.

After school one day, I decided to stay in my room and work on some homework that wasn’t due for another two weeks but since I had no one to hang out with, it was really the only thing left to do. Nick was downstairs working on some paperwork for his new job, even though he was supposed to be in the States in three weeks but he left it to the last minute, and now he had to read a 774 page handbook explaining what the job entailed, everything he needed to know before getting into it, and all of the terms of use and rights and agreements that he had to understand. I didn’t like him all that much, but I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.

Pax, Trey and Karlee never could remember that he didn’t go to University anymore but I didn’t feel like reminding them he was just in the U.S for his job, so I told them he was going to be home in November for the American Thanksgiving holiday, and that it was extra long. I got tired of repeating myself.

The doorbell rang downstairs and I put my notebook aside, pushing myself off my stomach on the bed and stepping into the hallway. Nick got to the door first and when he opened it, Pax stood there. He stared at my brother, confused, then shook his head, obviously thinking he was going insane. I couldn’t hold back my smile of amusement.

“Hey, Nick. Is Andy here?” he asked.

Nick turned around and looked at me, standing at the top of the staircase and holding onto the railing while I bent forward to watch them. Then he turned back to Pax, slammed the door in his face and walked away. My jaw dropped and Nick shrugged.

“He’s an asshole for what he did,” he said and went back into the kitchen. Apparently he had eavesdropped on Shay, Molly and I the night before.

“Okay,” I heard Pax call from the other side of the door. “I probably deserved that.”

I sighed and came down the stairs. I opened the door and leaned against it, my arms folded. His jaw tightened for a moment and then he bit his lip.

“I don’t know what I did,” he said, “but please tell me. I know I did something wrong but I can’t solve the problem if I don’t know what it is. I wish I could apologize to you properly.”

“Karlee’s birthday party,” I replied. “But that’s only half of what you did.” I turned around and walked into the living room to sit on the couch and watch some television. I knew he would follow, just like he did.

“Okay, I understand that. I was a jerk and I shouldn’t have kissed you after all that’s happened. I mean, we agreed we would end it that day and return to being friends but I just . . .” He cut himself off and ran a hand through his hair. “I screwed up.”

“Yes, you did.”

“What happened at the party? I need to know.” He wouldn’t believe it if I told him. I knew that much, because he would just figure I was lying or fabricating it to make him feel even worse. Things said when drunk were hard to verify, because half the time people just make up stuff when they’re telling the story. I would never have done that to him, but he was so intoxicated by the end of the night, he never would have known. “Come on, Andy,” he said, and grabbed my wrist. I turned to him and glared. “I know I drank too much that night and I wish I could remember what happened but you’re my only source. I can't apologize if I don’t know what for.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “It’s over. End of story.”

“No, it’s not. Look, I care about you and I’m not leaving until I’m sure things are fine between us,” he demanded.

“Believe him!” Nick called. “He stayed outside our house during your period one time so take his word for it.”

I looked at Pax, astounded, and he grinned. I had no idea. “See? I’m not over exaggerating,” he said.

“We’re fine,” I replied. “Now can we drop this? What we had is in the past. I don’t want this to continue anymore so I’m ending it here. I only want to be friends.”

He nodded. “Got it.”

“Good.”

He stared at me, confused. “Is it really that simple?”

“It’s really that simple,” I nodded. My phone went off again and I looked at it. I had a text message from Gage, which admittedly surprised me quite a bit.

U busy tmrw? Friends & I r going out for dinner, we’d luv 4 u to come w/ us.

Admittedly, he wasn’t the best with grammar and punctuation. He was more for efficiency. It made me laugh at times. Pax read the text over my shoulder and suddenly snatched my phone right out of my hand.

“Hey!” I exclaimed, trying to grab it but he held it over my head so I couldn’t reach it.

“Well well, who is this from? Gage, huh? You two are friends again?” he asked, squinting up at the screen. I leapt onto his back, again attempting to get my phone back. “Hey now! That is wildly inappropriate. Rape!”

“Shut up! You guys are so annoying!” Nick yelled.

“Give me my phone back, Pax!” I nearly screamed in his ear.

“You’re heavier than you look, tiny girl,” he groaned. “My back hurts. What’s with Gage? He’s older than us and he doesn’t even know how to form coherent sentences. ‘You busy tomorrow?’,” he read, making sure to enunciate each word spelled incorrectly. “ ‘Friends and I are going out for dinner, we’d love for you to come with’—this guy can’t spell!”

I gave a heavy tug on his arm, which unfortunately sent us both falling onto the couch. My phone hit the floor and flipped away from us toward the fireplace. Pax landed on top of me and my head hit the arm rest. We both burst out laughing, just like that day in the kitchen.

“You’re an asshole,” I said plainly.

“Whatever, bitch,” he mocked.

My laughter faded out slowly when I realized the position we were in. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought I noticed his face getting a lot closer. Pax obviously noticed it too, because he froze on the spot and gulped. Then the door flew opened and Karlee and Trey walked in, laughing about something he had said to her. But they both stopped right where they were when they saw the position we were in with Pax on top of me, his body fitting perfectly with me.

“Whoa,” Karlee gasped, eyes wide. “Are we missing something here?”

“Nope,” I said, shoving Pax off me quite violently. He hit the floor and rubbed his head. I got back on my feet and Pax looked up at me, frowning.

“Which one of us are you afraid of, Andy?” he asked.

“Do us both a favour and stay out of the heat,” I warned. “We’re not going down that road again.”

“What road?” Karlee asked, but I was already walking back up the stairs into my bedroom.

Well, I thought. At least it’s a start.