I Miss 'Normal'
What I am
As soon as my mom leaves for work, I go into my moms bathroom to use her scale.
I take off all my clothes, and use the restroom before stepping on the scale, praying that the red number will be lower than it was yesterday.
Not that it makes a difference, I’ll still over eat when food is placed in front of me, or I can have it.
I return to my clothes upstairs and put them on before I get any colder.
I tell myself not to eat breakfast, I’ll be that much stronger for saying no.
About once a week I can tell myself that I don’t need to eat breakfast, but usually I lose control 4 hours later at lunch.
Most days I go downstairs and eat a bowl of cereal.
My favorite is honey bunches of oats with strawberries, 120 calories for ¾ cup, but I forget that when I pour a bowl of it and drown it in milk which I forget the calories in when it begins to turn pink and sugary.
That bowl becomes 2, 3, 4… My stomach begins to get bloated and full, and I have to purge.
Usually since I’m home alone, I’ll lean over a sink, not even going to the toilet.
The sink is so much easier though, it doesn’t get clogged, and my mom won’t think to check the sink for residue of regurgitated food, as she does with my toilet.
I rinse out the sink and then go upstairs to brush my teeth and put on some chapstick, since my lips are dried out again, from dehydration and the constant being sick.
I grab a few bottles of water and a diet soda and throw them in my bag, maybe today water and a bubbly soda will confuse my stomach into thinking its full, yet I won’t have consumed any calories.
It’s a win-win situation.
Or it’ll be like other days and I’ll really begin to crave those cheesesticks, and buy them.
And when I see someone else with fries, I’ll want some of my own.
And I’ll want cheese!
Well since I’m in line, why don’t I get a bag of chips or a granola bar?
Then when I’m finished and I’m uncomfortable with the way my stomach feels now.
I should have just stuck to the water and diet soda.
Or I should have gone to the library, and caught up on my homework that was due a few days ago, but I’ve been too tired and unfocused to do.
I’m surprised my mom hasn’t noticed my grades have slipped lately.
Not that it would make a difference if she did, she would take my phone, at least then my friends would stop asking me what’s wrong and ask me if I’m okay.
I hate lying, but they wouldn’t understand.
They just tell me that I’m perfect the way I am, but what kind of person is perfect when they eat like a pig.
I can’t explain it anyway.
Of course I don’t want to push all my friends away, or my guys.
I worry that when a guy breaks up with me, its because I’m too skinny, because I know my bones show here and there, but then I see the new girl and I figure out that I’m not skinny enough.
She’s so pretty, I’m sure she never has a problem stopping eating.
I’m jealous.
Sometimes when I get sad or upset though, I eat, and the cycle is going again.
“It’s normal”, I think.
I take off all my clothes, and use the restroom before stepping on the scale, praying that the red number will be lower than it was yesterday.
Not that it makes a difference, I’ll still over eat when food is placed in front of me, or I can have it.
I return to my clothes upstairs and put them on before I get any colder.
I tell myself not to eat breakfast, I’ll be that much stronger for saying no.
About once a week I can tell myself that I don’t need to eat breakfast, but usually I lose control 4 hours later at lunch.
Most days I go downstairs and eat a bowl of cereal.
My favorite is honey bunches of oats with strawberries, 120 calories for ¾ cup, but I forget that when I pour a bowl of it and drown it in milk which I forget the calories in when it begins to turn pink and sugary.
That bowl becomes 2, 3, 4… My stomach begins to get bloated and full, and I have to purge.
Usually since I’m home alone, I’ll lean over a sink, not even going to the toilet.
The sink is so much easier though, it doesn’t get clogged, and my mom won’t think to check the sink for residue of regurgitated food, as she does with my toilet.
I rinse out the sink and then go upstairs to brush my teeth and put on some chapstick, since my lips are dried out again, from dehydration and the constant being sick.
I grab a few bottles of water and a diet soda and throw them in my bag, maybe today water and a bubbly soda will confuse my stomach into thinking its full, yet I won’t have consumed any calories.
It’s a win-win situation.
Or it’ll be like other days and I’ll really begin to crave those cheesesticks, and buy them.
And when I see someone else with fries, I’ll want some of my own.
And I’ll want cheese!
Well since I’m in line, why don’t I get a bag of chips or a granola bar?
Then when I’m finished and I’m uncomfortable with the way my stomach feels now.
I should have just stuck to the water and diet soda.
Or I should have gone to the library, and caught up on my homework that was due a few days ago, but I’ve been too tired and unfocused to do.
I’m surprised my mom hasn’t noticed my grades have slipped lately.
Not that it would make a difference if she did, she would take my phone, at least then my friends would stop asking me what’s wrong and ask me if I’m okay.
I hate lying, but they wouldn’t understand.
They just tell me that I’m perfect the way I am, but what kind of person is perfect when they eat like a pig.
I can’t explain it anyway.
Of course I don’t want to push all my friends away, or my guys.
I worry that when a guy breaks up with me, its because I’m too skinny, because I know my bones show here and there, but then I see the new girl and I figure out that I’m not skinny enough.
She’s so pretty, I’m sure she never has a problem stopping eating.
I’m jealous.
Sometimes when I get sad or upset though, I eat, and the cycle is going again.
“It’s normal”, I think.