I Won't Let Go

“Come on baby, you’re doing great. Just keep pushing.” I coached my fiancé, kissing her clammy forehead. “I love you.”

“I fucking hate you, Sidney” She screeched and I just chuckled. She was creeping up on her twelfth hour of labor with our daughter. I couldn’t be more excited than right now, I was going to be a father. Most people would find that to be a shocker, that Sidney Crosby who lives and breaths hockey, is excited to start a family. It’s true, I got sick of hockey controlling my life, so when Jessica told me she was pregnant I couldn’t have been happier. Sure, I was only in my second season with the Penguins and twenty years old, but I was ready…

The sound of crying brought my attention back to the situation in front of me. Our daughter was born, I cut her cord and watched as the doctors took her away to clean her off. I didn’t want her to leave, but she needed to. I tore my eyes from the pink blanket and looked at Jessica. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing heavily, like I would after a long workout. But something just didn’t seem right even to me. Instantly, the machines started going crazy and the doctors were hustling me out of the room.



“Jessica!” I screamed as I fought against two nurses. I didn’t want to hurt them, I just wanted to be near Jess.

“Mr. Crosby, please.” The one nurse begged me. “We need the space. We will come get you when everything is better.” She said quietly, still leading me out the double doors.

The doors swung shut in front of me and I just stood there like a statue. I was faintly aware of my two best friends coming up next to me, but I was too worried to acknowledge them. I continued to stand in front of the doors, looking into Jessica’s room, where they had closed the curtain.

“Sid, what’s wrong?” Jordan asked quietly, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“I don’t know.” I whispered. “The baby was born and then all of a sudden I was being rushed out of the room.”

That instant the doctor came out of Jessica’s room and just had this look on his face, it’s a look that will haunt me forever. He slowly made his way to the waiting room where I was. I looked at Jordan and Marc and I just knew something wasn’t right. I stepped back from the door as it opened slowly, reveling the somber looking doctor.

“Sidney, you may want to sit down for this.” he sighed, getting straight to the point.

I knew right then and there that my life had changed. Jordan and Marc both were next to me, hands on my shoulders, showing me support.



I lost one person I loved and gained another all in the same day. The doctor let me into Jessica’s room and left me alone with her. I sat on the edge of her bed and reached for her hand. It wasn’t quiet cold yet, but it was definitly lifeless. I played with her engagement ring as tears spilled from my eyes.

“Jess, you can’t leave me baby. I don’t know how to take care of a child. You can’t do this to us.” I cried. I sat with her until the doctors kicked me out, but I didn’t leave. I went to the nursery. I stood at the window with tears in my eyes and looked down at the bassinet that had Crosby taped to it. I stared down at my little girl and only saw Jess in her features. A nurse slowly made her to the door and stuck her head out.

“Would you like to come in here and hold her?” She asked quietly. I looked at her and noticed she was one of the nurses who took me out of the room.

I gave her a small nod. “Yes please.” I whispered.

I was instructed to sit in the wooden rocking chair in the back of the room. She brought me my daughter and placed her gently in my arms. I looked down at her and felt all new tears rolling down my cheeks as I looked at the little girl. I laid my head back against the chair and tried to keep the sob that was building from escaping.

“Mr. Crosby.” The nurse said tentatively. “I’m really sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you and Ms. Marshall had picked a name for the little one?”

I shook my head sadly and looked down at the now sleeping baby. Then it came to me. “Alexis Jessica Crosby.” Was all I said.



******

Two years later and I was still feeling the loss of Jessica. Every time I looked into Ally’s hazel eyes, I didn’t see me, I saw Jessica. I knew Ally wasn’t feeling the effects quite yet but she was starting to wonder. She came home one day from day care and the teacher had sent home a form about a “Mommy and Me” party at the school. I looked at my daughter who was all excited for the party and I had to break her little heart, I didn’t want to but it needed to be done. So that night before bed, I told her.

“Ally baby, your still young and I know you don’t really understand what I am saying, but you can’t go to the party next week.” I said.

“Daddy?” She asked, that’s what she does when she’s confused.

“Baby, you don’t have a mommy. Not anymore you don’t.” I sighed, trying to fight the tears that came every time I thought about Jessica. “She died the day you were born.”

“No mommy?” She asked, eyes watery. “No party?”

I shook my head. “No, no party.” The minute she started crying it took everything in me not to break down as well. So I did the one thing every father knows how to do. I held my daughter until she cried herself to sleep.



I made a promise to myself and to Alexis that night, I wasn’t going to let anything hurt my daughter. I was going to be there for her, even if that meant quitting hockey. She needed me and I needed her.



*****

One year later, that’s what I did. We had won the Stanley Cup and I retired from hockey at the young age of twenty two. It shocked friends, family, fans, the press, even the NHL. Hockey wasn’t my life anymore, Alexis was. I had the wonderful experience of playing with Mario Lemieux and I won a Stanley Cup. It was good enough for me.

Alexis and I made it through life doing the best we could. As she got older she asked about Jessica more and more and I told her the same thing and each time she cried. So for her six birthday I got her a locket with Jessica’s picture in it.

******

Two years later, I was sitting at the dining room table looking through the sports page to see how the Pens were doing, Jordan had made captain and was doing a tremendous job at it. I still went to games and hung out with the guys, they were my friends, I wasn’t going to ditch them.

“Daddy.” Alexis said quietly from her seat.

“Yeah babe?” I put the paper down and looked at her.

“I want to learn how to ice skate. Uncle Jordan said he would teach me, but I want you to teach me.” She said.

“You want to learn how to ice skate, eh?” She nodded her head. “Well, I think we can arrange for that.” I looked at the clock. “Go get dressed, jeans and a long sleeve shirt.” I smiled at her. She walked down the hall way and I dialed my phone. “Hey Dan, it’s Sid. You guys still having practice today? Mind if I bring Alexis down to skate some? She wants to learn how. Thanks, yeah see you later.”

Twenty minutes later Alexis and I were in Dicks getting her fitted for ice skates and pads. After we paid for everything we made our way to Southpointe, where the team was practicing. I pulled my hockey bag out of the trunk and grabbed Ally’s gear as well. It felt good walking through those doors again. Coach ended practice early since I was there and it had been a while since I’ve seen the boys.

“Alexis wanted to learn how to skate, you think we could all show her how it’s done?” I asked my ex-teammates and friends. I was met with a chours of yeses. I smiled and laced up Alexis’ skates. “Jordan is going to take you out first, I’ll be right behind you.” I kissed her forehead and placed her helmet on her head. Quickly I laced up my skates and got to the ice. Feeling the slippery surface under my feet was welcomed.

As soon as I spotted Alexis between Marc and Jordan I skated over to them and skated in front of them.

“Daddy, how can you do that?” Ally asked in amazement.

I chuckled. “Lots of practice.” I reached for her hands and she carefully removed them from Jordan and Marc’s hands and placed them in mine. I looked at my friends. “Thanks guys.”

Alexis was scared, I could see it in her eyes. I tried taking her mind off of what was going on, but she was far too smart for that. Eventually though I managed to slip her hands out of mine. The moment she realized I wasn't holding on to her, but rather skating next to her she started freaking out.

“Ally, you’re fine. I’m right next to you.” I reassured her.

“Don’t let me fall daddy.”

“I won’t, baby. I gotcha.”



*******

Fifteen years later and I am waiting for the okay to go see Ally. Today is Alexis’ big day, she’s getting married. Before I left the house I had myself a good cry. Jessica wasn’t here to see her baby girl get married, every mother’s dream. I still, to this day, miss her. She was my everything and now I was losing my baby girl. Well not completly, she was marrying Mario’s son Austin. He had been drafted by the Penguins, so they were staying in Pittsburgh.

I knocked lightly on the church door and Marc and Vero’s fifteen year old daughter, Chloe, opened it.

“Oh, hi Sid.” She smiled, she had Marc’s smile. She turned her head. “Mom, is Sid allowed in?”

I heard Vero chuckle. “Of course he is.” She opened the door wider and gave me a hug. “How are you holding up?” She asked.

“I’m doing okay, now. How’s she holding up?” I asked quitly.

“Better than she has the past few weeks.” Vero smiled sadly.

I couldn’t thank Vero enough for all she has done for my daughter. Vero took on the role of being Alexis’ mother. When there was boy trouble Vero came over and talked to her, when she started becoming a woman Vero was there to help her. Vero also stepped up and helped Ally plan the wedding and look for a dress. The past few weeks had been hard on Alexis because she wanted Jessica here with her, helping her. There were actually nights I could hear her crying softly in her room. It still broke my heart to hear that.

I looked at my daughter and smiled. “Ally, you look so beautiful. You look so much like your mother.”

Vero ushered Chloe and the other bride’s maids out of the room so that we could have some time together. Ally looked at me in the mirror and fingered her locket.

“I miss her daddy, I wish she could be here.” She whispered, tears filling her eyes.

“I know baby, I miss her too.” I said softly. Alexis turned around and looked at me. “ But she’s here, in your heart. She loved you from the minute she knew she was pregnant. She’s looking down on you today with a huge proud smile on her beautiful face.” I pulled her into a hug. “Ally, I love you so much.”

"I love you too, daddy." She lifted her head. "I love you too, mommy. I miss you."

Finally it was time to walk down the aisle. I watched the ceremony and thought to myself,



Jessica, I love you so much baby. I miss you