The Past Isn't Really In The Past

I know he's in denial. I know he is and I hate it. I hate it. I hate it because he's my best friend and I've loved him since day one. I hate it because I can see how he's still hurting over something that happened almost two years ago. I can see it but I don't think he knows that I can. It's really not hard too see. It's actually pretty obvious but I don't call him on it. I just let him deal with it on his own, and that's what I hate the most. That he doesn't let people in; that I can't at least help him; that I have to watch him hurt. It breaks my heart every time I hear him cry from his bunk. Yeah, he thinks I don't hear it. How wrong he is. He also thinks I don't know what he does in the bathroom. I've seen them. On stage, he wears short sleeves and I can barely see the little marks scattered over his skin. I haven't asked about it. I let it be. I make him think I don't know and that I'm clueless of his growing depression.

I don't think anyone's noticed his strange behavior. How can you not? I think I know the exact reason he's like this. If I think this through right, it all comes down to one certain asshole from high school that had him wrapped around his finger. Jonathan fucking Cook. And just the thought of that worthless bastard's name makes my blood boil and makes me sick. He's a pathetic excuse for a human being, in my and everyone else's honest opinion, and I hate him with a sheer passion. No one ever liked him and when people saw him and Jack together through high school, they would shake their heads in disappointment. They knew what a whore and bastard he was. We tried to tell Jack this but he's as stubborn as they come. He fucked my best friend over and left it up to me to pick up the piece's and mend them back together. Not that I minded being there for my best friend, but Jonathan didn't have to just leave without a goodbye or anything. He could have let Jack down easily but did he want it to be easy? No. He wanted it to be difficult and painful. All the things it was. And I will forever loathe him.

And,God, it was painful to see Jack like that. So broken and vulnerable. It broke me just to see him like that. And so to get his mind off the whole Jonathan shit, I told him that we had gotten signed and that we were actually ready for our first tour and that our demo was ready to be recorded. It seemed to help. Over the months that followed us getting signed, he seemed to have pulled together some. He looked better, he cut his hair - something I was disappointed about but his new hair is starting to grow on me and it looks rather sexy, if I do say so my self. He got rid of the blonde streaks and had just plain jet black hair. And after we had our first tour, he was back to being the bouncy Jack that I missed so much. He was being himself again. He was happier. He had a smile on his face almost always and it made me just as happy to see him like this.

Then things started to change again with Jack.

He would go off to bars and sleep with any guy he could find. He would get so wasted and let guys have their ways with him. And he would come back to the bus smelling like beer and sex. Once, Rian asked him about it and Jack snapped. That was the first time Jack denied being gay. It confused the hell outta me. He was gay in high school but now all of a sudden he's straight? It didn't make sense. I knew it has been hard on Jack over the months but I didn't think he would go so far as to go in denial. And ever since then, he's denied it. All the way up to today. I would lie if I said it didn't tick me the fuck off and confuse me.

And I've put the pieces together. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out. Jonathan has made him insecure about being with guys -soberly- and made him go into denial. So he wouldn't get attached to another guy like he did Jonathan. And that made me hate Jonathan even more. For doing this to my Jacky. For breaking him like this. Making him scared to be with another guy. So now the only time he's with a guy is when their both black out drunk.

And then I started to see that he wasn't better after all this time. That's when I saw the self harm for the first time. I've found him once in the bathroom, asleep -clearly drunk- and little cuts on his arms. It borke my heart but I never told him I found him. I don't know why I never did. But something told me, it wasn't the right time.

And sometimes I would look at him during interviews only to see that he would always be looking down at the ground, picking at the loose strings of his hoodie, only looking up when asked a question. He would sometimes butt into someone else's question with a smart ass comment but over than that, nothing. I would look at him on the bus and he would usually be looking out the window, looking as if in deep thought. I always wondered what he was thinking about. I wondered if he was thinking about high school. I wouldn't doubt it. He confuses me so much..

I'm Alex Gaskarth and I'm helplessly in love with my best friend and he doesn't even see it.