The Past Isn't Really In The Past

I swear I felt and heard my heart crack and bleed when Jack said he wasn't planning on stopping his self-mutalation. He was going to let it continue on and I knew that he knew it wasn't smart and it will soon turn into a scarey situation one day. He wasn't going to stop and that broke my heart. He said it himself, I had no say-so in the manner. Like I don't! I have every say-so just because I'm his best friend. I'm going to put a stop to this one way or another.

And just as I felt that I had eased the pain in my chest, he makes another blow. First he tells me this crap of not quitting and then he goes on to tell me that its not a thing I can help out with. And to just top all this off, he tells me not to beat myself up over this. Don't beat myself up?! Exactly how can I not? Of course I'm going too! I'm failing at playing the role of a best friend. I've known about this but did I ever say a thing about it? No. I let it go on. I didn't once try to stop him. Wouldn't you beat yourself up if you were in my shoes? What kind of 'best friend' am I when I can't even help him end this shit? Not a very good one.

And as usual, after I get over all the self loathing and self pity, I became angry. Its the nature of Alex Gaskath. To cover his pain with anger when he knows its not right. That's me but oh well. Its my personality. And God, do I hate that.

I was angry with Jack and he knew it. My anger caused me to loose all self control and get in his face and yell. But hey, he told I couldn't help! He told I can't help! That there's nothing I can do! How can he tell me that!

"Don't fucking tell me that, Jack." I was yelling that over and over. "I care more about you than you'll ever fucking know!" I was surprised I wasn't in tears right now. When I'm this angry I let a few tears fall.

My anger comsumed me once again and it almost caused me to leave. I couldn't help it. I needed to get out and just think. Be alone. Him telling me that just goes on to prove what a lousey friend I am. God, I can't take it. I was at the door in record time but of course, so was Jack.

I was just about to open the door and walk out when I felt Jack grab onto my arm, putting all actions on hault. I heard him telling me not to leave. I didn't want too but at the same time I did. Me being alone would help me clear my head and calm down and not be angry with him anymore. But the more he kept talking, the more I could feel my resolve crumble. It was this close to falling when he said he didn't know what he would do without me and that I was special to him. Bullshit. I know what he would do but I refused to let my mind think about that. I almost gave in but I had to keep my gaurd up. I needed him to show me he meant what he said.

I decided to turn around with a cold look in my eyes, a glare on my face, and when I did I saw Jack was close to tears. I could see them forming. God, please no more crying. I hate it when you cry. And it makes me feel like shit when I'm the one who caused unneeded tears. And that's what it took for me to cave in and I sighed softly.

I said the one thing that I needed too. "Show me that you want me to stay."

I watched as confusin spread across his face. "How?"

I took a deep breath and turn fully around so I was facing him full on, with eye contact. "Promise me that you won't... or you'll try not to cut anymore. Just talk to me if you need someone. Jack, I'm right here, I'll always be here for you." My voice came out as a whisper but I knew he heard me. The look he got told me he heard me and was thinking my words over. Please Jack. Please listen to me.

My hand must have a mind of it own because it was suddenly reaching out to grip his face gently and tilt it towards me. "Oh, and one more thing," I added on and very briefly my eyes glanced down to his lips before making more eye contact.

But I had caught his eyes as they glanced down to my own lips as he spoke out. "Anything."

Anything? Well, hm. No. Not now.

"Kiss me."

He wasted no time attaching his lips to mine firmly. I smiled and added more pressure against his. My hand cupped his jaw and he pressed himself tighter against me in hopes to be closer. I wasn't complaining. This is how our first kiss should have been, instead of quick and sloppy.

The spark I felt was like nothing else. It felt like firework, mini ones. And butterflies went crazy in my stomach. Not even being shitfaced drunk can come close to comparing to this. Nothing can.

His lips were soft and they were moving against mine and I wanted nothing more than to be able to feel this all the time. But I knew I couldn't get everything I wanted. Maybe in time. But we're taking this one step at a step. Put an end to his problem then move on to other things.

I broke the kiss first and pulled him in for a tight embrace. His arms went around my waist and mine were locked around his neck. God did I feel so content like this. I wanted this everyday. To be able to hold close to me like this.

"Alex," he spoke as he buired his head into my neck and let out a breathy sigh. The feeling of his warm breath against my senstive skin on my neck made me shiver but lucky for me, he didn't catch it. If he did, he chose to ignore it.

"Yeah, Jack?" I asked tightening my grip around him just slightly. He didn't seem to mind though which made me smile slightly.

"Thank you. For everything." He whispered.

"Jack, you don't have to apologize for anything. Not to me. Not ever. You're my best fucking friend and you don't have to apologize." I looked at him and smiled.

"Well, I know but I just want you to know I'm grateful to have you as my best friend." He pressed his face to the crook of my neck again and sighed deeply. His arms still around my waist was comforting.

I held on tightly to his skinny ass frame and pulled his body flush against mine. We fight together like a fucking puzzle. I didn't ever want to let him go. I couldn't. Which is why I have to ask this next question.

"Jack, can I ask you something?"

"Well, you already did." He giggled slighty. Okay, smartass. I rolled my eyes but a smile formed anyway.

"I'm serious about this."

He pulled out of the embrace and looked at me, bitting his lip. He looked nervous. "Okay. Ask away."

I sighed heavily and though how I would word this. "Jack. Can you... can you tell me what you use?" I knew already but to just to make sure.

His eyebrows scrunched together. "A -a razor."

I knew it. "Jack, can you please give me the razor to hold on too?" I bit my lip as I watched his face fall and he looked away, and looked to the floor. Damnit, Jack, come on. Just give it to me. Its not that hard.

"I - I don't know, Alex. What if... what if I need it?" Bull. He won't need it because he's gonna give me it and when he feels the urge then he's gunna come to me and we're going to talk about whatever is on his mind. It's time I acted like the best friend he needs and the friend I need to be. And I am not letting this go on.

"No, because, damnit Jack, you don't need it. You won't need it," He went to protest but I wasn't done. Hell no. "If you ever the urge then you'll come to me and I'll listen to you. You'll tell me. You'll talk to me. You know I will never judge you and I will always be here."

"Alex, I - " he shook his head.

"No fucking buts, Jack. This is how its gunna be from now on. I can't - I won't - be the friend who let's his best friend be alone. I knew about this for a while but I never did a thing about it. Not anymore. I'm doing something about. I can't be the friend who can't step in to help. Please, let me help you. I love you and, by God, Jack, I'm not loosing you to something like this. I can't loose you to this."

I was begging. I was fucking on my knees begging. And Alex Gaskarth doesn't beg for anything. And Jack and the whole band knows this.

"Jack, please," I begged.

My friend looked like he was having a real battle in his head; he was biting on his lip and his eyebrows were bunched together. He always looks like that when he's thinking about something. How hard was this really? He had to choose between his best friend or some peice of metal. How hard was it? Surely he would pick his best friend over a razor.. surely he would...

He finally opened his mouth to speak, my stomach knotting with anxiety. Come on, Jack...