The Past Isn't Really In The Past

I frowned as I thought about it.

My razor, or my friend?

My lip quivered. "A-alex." I whined, but he was adamant.

"No, Jack, make your decision." he said, and there were tears in my eyes.

I loved Alex, he was my best friend, but......my razor, my razor had helped me with everything, from the time that.....that was happening, until now.....I didn't know if I could leave that behind.

It was to me, what a child's safety blanket was. I couldn't' sleep well without knowing it was there, ready for me to use whenever I needed it, and I needed it quite often.

"Sometime today, Jack." He said, and I saw the pain in his eyes that i had to think about this.

Without my razor, I could find another way to do the same thing, burns maybe, without Alex, I might as well give up on life all together.

"You." I whispered, leaning into his touch and kissing his chest as I clutched his shirt, my eyes dripping with tears, staining the shirt beneath my clenched hands. "You, Alex." I said once more, and felt him relax as I sobbed my heart out against his chest.

Alex wrapped his arms around me, holding me close to him. "I'll be there for you." He murmured into my ear, "I swear." He continued and I think we would have remained like that for a little while if there wasn't a knocking at the door.

"What is it?" Alex asked, his tone sounding tired.

"Hey man, we're heading to go and get some grub, how about you and Jack, you two up for it?" The voice called. I think it was Zack.

"Yeah, we'll meet you there." Alex called, and looked down at me. "You all right?" He whispered, looking at me with careful eyes.

For some reason, I couldn't help but get angry at that. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I growled at my best friend, and though somewhere deep down inside of me, I knew that he only wanted the best for me, but I couldn't help the anger that boiled up inside. I did just loose my razor. "You take away the one goddamn thing that makes me sane, and then ask if I'm freaking okay?!" I hissed.

Alex's eyes widened. "Jack, I-"

"No, don't fucking Jack me, Alex." I growled, "There's only one things that makes waking up in the morning bearable, and you have to take that away from me!" I said, my words at the end becoming blurred as I realized I had started sobbing, and instantly, that anger that was burning from the inside of me, was there no more, and like a hollow shell, I crumpled into Alex's arms, letting him catch me and support me.

"I won't say I'm sorry, Jack." He told me, looking at me with big eyes. "I'm not sorry for taking away the thing you use to hurt yourself." He whispered, "I'm only sorry that I didn't do it sooner. I hate myself to know that you've been doing this so much and have gotten so attached to that damned thing." He said, his voice a harsh hiss at the end, but his voice softened when he saw the tears in my eyes.

"I-I never k-knew you f-felt that way, Alex..." I whispered, not knowing what else to say to his speech.

"Well I did." He said, then shook his head. "It does not matter now, all that matters is that you have given me this." He said, holding up the small thing that had my heart longing to reach out and grab it. "And that you want to try and be better, a better person." He said, and kissed my forehead. "Don't be afraid, I'll be here." He whispered, and I wrapped my arms tighter around him.

"That's the only thing that made me give that up, you'd better be here." I told him, trying to make light of the matter that was so obviously not funny in any way, shape or form.

Without Alex by my side, I know stopping would not be possible, he was the one who made it possible, and I thanked him from the deepest part of my heart as acceptance sunk in and I knew he was only doing this to help me. "Thanks." I murmured into his neck, and he nodded his reply.

Maybe he would be the one to help be reach my inner peace? Only time will tell.