Kiss My Ass

Alex frowned. He was not the jealous type (okay, maybe he was…just a little bit). But he couldn’t help but feel a little angry when he saw Ryan Decker approach his best friend. And maybe on some level, he had gotten used to guys never paying attention to his best friend. And, if he were being honest, he would admit that he liked it better that way. He gripped the edges of his school books a little tighter while Amy slipped an arm around his waist.

“Are you okay, Alex?” Amy asked, looking up at him.

Alex frowned—she might as well have been twirling her hair around her finger or chewing bubble gum or, well, some other ridiculous high school cliché. “I’m fine,” he snapped.

Amy frowned. “Do you wanna sit with me and my friends?”

Inwardly, he groaned; outwardly, he shook his head. “I’m gonna sit with…other people instead.”

“Oh,” Amy pouted. “Do you…wanna hang out after school?”

“I’m gonna…have to say no,” Alex told her.

“But why?”

“I have to wash my hair,” Alex said with a shrug before walking off and sitting down across from Carlyle. “So, lemme ask you something.”

Carlyle looked up from her Coke, her eyes wide. “Um. Okay?”

“Why the fuck was Ryan Decker talking to you?”

And maybe Carlyle was imagining the tone in his voice, but maybe she wasn’t. “Um. Because I’m incredibly witty and charming?”

Alex didn’t laugh. “Really?”

“You don’t think so?” Carlyle asked, smiling softly.

“Don’t joke, Lyle,” Alex said. “Why was he talking to you?”

Carlyle bit her lip and rested her forearms on the table. “He, um. He asked me out. To a, uh, a party this weekend.”

Alex laughed.

She frowned. “What? You think that’s funny?”

Alex shook his head, fixing his bangs across his forehead. “I think it’s hysterical!”

Carlyle scoffed. “Thank you.”

Alex shook his head, rubbing at his eyes. “Okay,” he said, running a hand over his hair to smooth it down again. “Now, really, why was he talking to you?”

Carlyle rolled her eyes. “He asked me to go to a party with him this weekend.”

The frown was back on her best friend’s face in an instant. “Did you agree?”

“Did I—?”

“Oh, of course you did,” Alex said with a scoff. “No one says no to Ryan Decker. And he didn’t look like he was nursing his balls so, of course, you said yes.”

“I don’t think—“

“So are you gonna put out?”

Carlyle reached across the table and slapped him. Hard. Right across the face. (Or, as he would call it, the money-maker.) “Fuck you, Asskarth.”

“Hey!” Alex exclaimed, cupping his cheek. “What did I do?!”

+

Jack slid his hand out of Erika’s as he sat down across from Alex, already munching on an apple. “What happened to your face?”

Alex fixed Jack’s girlfriend with a stare. “Your best friend is what happened to my face.”

“Oh, she finally slapped you?” Erika asked, reaching over and stealing one of his fries. “In my opinion, you had it coming.”

“I don’t even know what I said. But now I’m pissed. And now I wanna say something else,” Alex snapped.

“So she can slap you again? Good choice, buddy,” Jack snorted, taking a drink of his chocolate milk.

“What did you say, Alex?” Erika asked, taking Jack’s baseball cap from his head and sliding it onto her own.

“I didn’t say anything,” Alex maintained, eating a couple of his French fries.

Erika rolled her eyes. “You always know what you did wrong, Lex, so fess up.”

Alex sighed. “I may or may not have laughed when she told me Ryan Decker asked her out to some…party this weekend.”

Jack laughed. “Doesn’t she know he only wants one thing?”

“That’s what I said!” Alex declared.

Erika reached over and slapped her boyfriend upside the head. “I really hope you expressed your concern in a more…delicate manner. But I guess you didn’t and that’s probably why you have a red handprint on your face.”

Alex frowned. “Fuck you, Erika.”

“Don’t fuck my girlfriend, Alex,” Jack said.

Alex paused. “I didn’t. I didn’t fuck your girlfriend.”

“Well, you expressed wanting to fuck her. And I do not appreciate that,” Jack told him.

Alex rolled his eyes.

“Thank you for defending my honor,” Erika said with a smile, kissing her boyfriend’s cheek.

“What honor?” Jack asked with a laugh. “I was just messin’ with my boy.”

Erika frowned and slapped him upside the back of the head.

+

“Erika, you need to help me,” Carlyle said, frowning as she fell back onto her bed.

Erika sat down next to her, patting her knee awkwardly. “There, there. How can I be of assistance?”

“Ryan Decker is going to be here in fifteen minutes, and I’m not ready, and I don’t know what to wear,” she told her, sitting up and grabbing her shoulders. “You need to help me! I’ve never been on a date. Help me. Please.”

“How am I supposed to help? I’m not exactly a dating guru. I don’t date,” Erika said.

Carlyle frowned. “You’re dating Jack,” she pointed out.

“Well. Yes, we’re dating, but we don’t…date. I mean, we’ve never even actually gone out on a legitimate date, you know?” Erika explained. “I mean, we’ve gone on dates but we don’t consider them…actual dates, you know?”

Carlyle sighed, running a hand through her hair. “Can you just…help me pick out an outfit for this party?”

“What party are you going to?” Erika asked as she walked over to her best friend’s closet.

“Melody Bostic.”

Erika rolled her eyes before throwing a pair of black skinny jeans at her friend. “You can’t go wrong with these. Do you have a white v-neck?”

“Do I have a v-neck?” Carlyle asked sarcastically, rolling her eyes. She got up and walked over to her dresser, opening the second drawer down to reveal at least fifteen v-necks. She pulled out a white one and nodded. “Yes, I have one.”

“Good,” Erika said before tossing a gray cardigan at her. “Wear some flats or heels, I don’t know. I’m not a fashion guru.”

Carlyle shrugged before hugging her friend. “Thank you.”

“And you know you gotta tell me whatever happens, right?” Erika asked, grabbing her shoulders.

She laughed. “Yes.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

+

Alex couldn’t help but feel more than a little possessive when he saw Ryan Decker walking in with his best friend. He frowned, his arm tightening around Amy’s waist (and, for once, she wasn’t talking—that was a good thing considering Alex wanted to punch babies whenever he heard Amy’s voice…). But really, he just wanted to rip Carlyle out of Ryan’s hands and punch him in the face. But, you know, he couldn’t do that.

Well, he could…

“Are you okay, honey?” Amy asked, nursing a red plastic cup in her hand.

Alex rolled his eyes. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine,” she muttered.

Alex paused. It probably wasn’t even an insult but he felt the need to retaliate. “You don’t look fine either,” he snapped before removing his arm from her waist and following Ryan and Carlyle across the house. He felt his hands clench at his sides as he saw Ryan whisper something in her ear (so cliché). He had to stop it. He had to get Carlyle away from him. Of course, for no other reason than, well, Ryan Decker was a skeeze. That was it. Honestly. He followed them through the kitchen, through the family room, and onto the back porch. He stayed by the door, hoping to stay out of sight.

Yeah, that didn’t work.

“One second, Ryan,” Carlyle said softly, removing her hand from his to walk across the porch to Alex. She crossed her arms over her chest and frowned up at him. “What are you doing here, Alex?”

“I’m here with Amy.”

She nodded slowly. “Good for you. Do you want an award?”

“Why are you here with Ryan Decker?” Alex asked, struggling to keep his voice low.

“Because he asked me?”

“I thought you were kidding!”

“Of course you did,” Carlyle snapped. “Because why would he want to go out with me right?”

“He only wants one thing, Lyle!” Alex exclaimed.

“You would know. You’re the master at taking girls out once and getting what you want, right?” she asked.

Alex frowned. “I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“Whatever, Alex, just…leave it alone, okay? Go back to Amy and have your fun and let me enjoy my date with Ryan, okay?” she said, turning to walk away.

Alex reached out and grabbed her hand. “Lyle, he’s not interested in dating you. He’s interested in fucking you. That’s all.”

Carlyle couldn’t hide the hurt look that came across her face. “That’s none of your business, Alex.”

“That’s all he’s after, Lyle, I’m telling you the truth here, okay?”

“Alex, you’re my best friend. But you have to stay out of this aspect of my life, okay?” Carlyle said, walking over to Ryan and grabbing his hand. “Let’s go, yeah?”

Ryan nodded, allowing Carlyle to lead him across the porch. He smiled at Alex as he passed, sending him a wink. “Thanks, bro.”

Alex frowned, watching them walk away. He knew that it was something Lyle had to learn on her own.

But he really didn’t want her to go through that.