I Still Need You

April 6, 2005

Dear Zacky,

The third month of this pregnancy has been my least favorite; furthermore, with all the changes occurring in my life, nothing feels secure. The month has symbolized my life in almost every way, ever evolving, absolute chaos is the norm.

Linda is dating again; it seems like she brings back a different man with her every night. Which is absolute torture; here I am a seventeen year old girl, pregnant and horny. All I think of when I'm out and about is hooking up with the cute guy at the grocery store. When I lie in bed at night, thinking of Brian, I hear  aunt Linda, our forty-seven year old aunt fucking the handsome man that works in a office a few floors above her office.

I also have been experiencing morning sickness,  and heart burn. My belly has started to show, this little girl is stretching me thin. None of my  clothes fit me anymore; I actually went shopping for clothes in a maternity store today. Everyone in the store had children or their significant other with them. I felt really alone today as I shopped by myself. I should be happy that I am having a child, instead I have been stressing about what people think of me as I walk down the street, or as I enter Maternity classes, and enter stores that sell clothing for women who are clearly not obese, but rather pregnant. 

I wish I could see you, I wish we could hug. I would probably cry into your shoulder and you'd tell me how everything is gonna work out. But most of all I wish I could get rid of the dull ache in my chest; the one small piece of me that still yearns for Brian and his affection. I wish I could forget him and the way he made me feel. I guess this is the pain you wanted to spare me when you told dad I shouldn't date a musician; I'm sorry I didn't listen.

Xoxo,
Zara

Zacky's eyes began to water as he carefully read the words his sister wrote him in the letter. She was obviously in pain. Miles away from home in a big city, pregnant and living with their father's little sister that acts mores like a college student than a grown woman.

Unfortunately for Zacky, there wasn't much he could do for Zara other than put money in her bank account each month. Avenged had recently gained a larger audience since they broke into mainstream American rock, with the help of radio play and online music forums the band's fan base was growing . The cash flow was rapid and especially for Zacky and Brian; both had started clothing lines that kept selling t-shirts like hot cakes. Zacky folded the letter and put it back into the envelope it had arrived in. He slid into his bunk and hid it in his pillowcase before he grabbed a guitar strap and left the tour bus for sound check.