I Still Need You

Most teenage girls find the moment they have to tell their family they are pregnant very difficult; furthermore, informing my father of my pregnancy wasn’t any easier than any other teenage girl. My father, John, was more upset than he was angry when I told him that I was expecting. It's weird, in the moments when I expect my father to turn into ‘The incredible Hulk' and completely lose it, he proves me wrong. He asked me what I wanted to do about the baby. Before you think my father was pushing for an abortion, he wasn't; instead, he was more concerned about the role Brian would play.

“He plays guitar dad.” I replied dryly.

“He does more than that, Zara," my dad patted my shoulder in that fatherly way that says “I've got you."

“I don't want him to be a part of the baby's life dad,” I choked up, with tears in my eyes.

"Why is that?" My father pressed on further, he knew there was more to the story than what I was admitting.

"He broke my heart dad. I don't want to share this with him. The baby is mine: it's in my body," I cried into my father's chest like I was five years old again. “It’s the only piece of him I have left, and this part of him won’t ever hurt me.”

"Zara, that baby isn't just yours. Without Brian the baby in question wouldn't even exist. That baby belongs to Brian as well. You need to do the right thing Zara. If you make the wrong decision you may regret it for the rest of your life." My father’s eyes bored into me, they were just like mine and Zacky’s, green, except dad’s had seen more pain, and anguish. His eyes were more forgiving than mine or Zacky’s, they held more love too.

"I can't dad. I just can't. Our baby wasn't made with love," I trailed off into tears again as I thought about the everlasting imprint Brian Haner Jr. would have on my life.

“Go do the right thing Zar, at least tell Brian’s parents- it will get back to him that way. You don’t have to face him, and he will still know.” My dad hugged me for a long while as I continued to cry. “He deserves to know, Zar- no matter what he did.”

So after hours of debating what the right choice was with my dad and later with Zacky I decided that maybe they were right. Maybe Brian deserved to know, afterall, it’s not like he’s ever going to actually see her. So the least I could do for him is tell Papa and Suzy and let them tell him. The next morning I furiously knocked on the front door of the Haner family. One minute later, the door opened. Susy smiled “ Zara, come inside sweetie."

My stomach was turning as I thought about what I was going to say.

"Do you want something to drink sweetheart?" Susy was the kindest woman I’d ever met. Always opening up her home to everyone; my mom died shortly after I was born, however, I like to think she was a lot like Susy Haner. Or rather Susy Haner was like my mother.

"No, I won't be here very long." I grimaced, I was no good at conversation when I was about to drop a bomb the way I would in just a few moments.

"Well take a seat, I'll go get papa," Susy finished ascending the staircase. Long deep breaths. Long deeps breaths. Anxiety consumed my body as I avoided a pending panic attack. I felt nauseated, and not just because I was pregnant. I felt that I could throw up when I haven’t eaten a thing nauseated. If I had eaten, I imagine I would feel much better vomiting, than just sitting here with the urge to spew food from my gut.

"Zara, what's up pumkin?" Papa Gates hugged me before sitting beside Susy.

"I have news." I stated before my stomach started begging me for food.

"Okay? What do you need to tell us?" Papa asked genuinely interested in what I needed to share.

"I don't know how to say what I need to say. I've know both of you for so long and I feel like I'm going to disappoint both of you." My heart was beating so fast, I was sure I'd pass out if I didn't deliver the news.

"Whats wrong pumkin?" Brian sr. asked as he noticed the tears begin to form in my eyes.

"Both of you have been so good to me, and the last thing I want to do is disappoint either one of you," I wept as the tears began streaming down my face.

Susy moved to my side and held my shoulder, "There is nothing you could do to disappoint either one of us."

"What is wrong Zara?" this time Papa asked in a demanding tone. 

"You guys are going to become grandparents." My statement  didn't register for either Susy or Papa. They stared with blank faces for a few minutes as I cried myself comfortable. "I'm pregnant with Brians child," I explained in between drying my eyes and crying.

The clarification received acknowledgement. "Does Brian know Zara?"

" Brian and I aren’t on speaking terms," Brian must have not told his parents about our breakup I suddenly realized. Or the fact I had left town.

"Why are you telling us this, sweetheart?" Susy asked, “What happened between you and Brian?”

"Brian broke up with me four months ago. He said it was cause I was too young and needed to live my life. I wasn’t even gonna tell you guys, but Zacky and my Dad convinced me, they think that you guys should at least know you have a grandchild."

“ Brian will want to be involved in his child’s life, Zara. " Mr. Haner looked at me in the most serious manner I had ever seen anyone look at another human being. “We have an obligation to tell Brian that he has a child on the way.”

"I understand Papa, but Brian broke up with me for a reason. For whatever reason, he didn’t feel that I was important enough to have a real relationship with, and I don’t feel like he is important to share what is happening to my body right now." My hands were trembling as I got the last sentence out; I wanted to get home before I passed out.

"But Brian will want to help you out, Zara. Let him do that at least." Susy added kindly.

"I don't need anything from him," I sniffled, " he already gave me a child." I stood up from the couch. "I need to leave. I guess I'll see you guys later."

"No, Zara. We don't deserve this, we deserve to be involved our grandchild's life. Brian doesn't deserve this either." Papa Gates was was fuming.

" I didn't deserve to get kicked to the curb after Brian took my virginity. Life's not fair, and I need to leave or I'll miss my flight."

Susy stood up, "So that’s it? we're never going to see our grandchild?"

"Of course you will, but only when the band is on tour and far away."

But Zara, that's not right!" Brian sr. Boomed.

"Neither is becoming a mom at 18!" I screamed at papa, "I'm sorry, it's the hormones."

I picked myself up from the couch and moved towards the door. Papa Gates and Susy followed me out to my car; the two of them had the saddest looks on their faces, Susy was already crying. Papa wasn't far behind as water flowed into his eyes. Me, I wasn't thinking of anything as put my car in reverse and pulled out of the Haner's driveway.  I was leaving Huntington tonight.