December Chasing and Answers

December never felt so wrong. He should be here with me. Instead, I find myself in New Jersey, alone, away from my family, and away from my friends. Unlike every year, I sat on my new front porch as the first snow of winter falls from the sky. Cars drove by the line of houses slowly, watching for the children who happily tried to play in the snow that would evaporate before it hit the ground. A light coating covered the dead grass making crunching noises as someone walked around.
I could help but wonder. The blue and green Christmas lights reminded me of his eyes, the way the sparkled all the time. Nothing could bring him down when things were thrown his way. The energy he always had despite how hard he worked. Thinking of him reminded me the way he makes me feel alive inside, the way he makes everything okay.
A few tears slipped out, knowing I was the one who put this on myself. I let go of him. I left him. He gave me everything, and I left him empty handed. My phone vibrated in my pocket signaling I had a text. I smiled a bit as I saw one of my best friends, Trish, had told me to get ready to head out in about an hour. Knowing better than to argue, I put up without a fight and went back inside the house. I needed to get my mind off of things, and maybe this was what I needed; I needed something to get my mind off of Stephen and stop feeling so sorry for myself.
As the hour passed, I found myself done with my appearance and sat down to wait until Trish came. “Let’s go my love!” she called out in the process of stick her head through the door slightly to see her face. “It’s time to get rolling!” I lifted myself up to meet her. We sat in the car as she drove and drove, farther away from the places I knew. After a little longer, I felt my phone vibrate. It was an unknown number with a text. Deciding it couldn’t hurt to see what it was, I found myself staring at the words, ‘I’ll see you soon, my dear.’ My heart rate sped up a little faster, confusing me even more.
“Hey, you know who this is?”
At the red light, Trish peered over to look at phone, and then shook her head. “Not a clue.” I furrowed my eyebrows and replied quickly, ‘who is this?’
There was no response.
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“What the hell are we doing here, would you care to explain?” I mumbled, hoping it would mask the anger I felt.
“What do you mean?”
“What do you mean, what do I mean?! You know fully well where we are right now. It’s like a replica of the picture I have in my room with Stephen.” When I fell asleep on the way to our destination, I didn’t realize the sign that we passed; it was just a blur of colors until the car actually stopped and I got a chance to look around at my surroundings.
“Well, you said that you don’t care about him anymore. And look around! It’s the perfect scene for the photo shoot you wanted to have for starting your own clothing line. I thought it would be a surprise to show you. But I guess not. I’m going to get something to drink,” Trish pushed passed me in a furious manner. Immediately, guilt flooded through my body. I couldn’t help it. It was the very place we always went to. When we were kids, best friends, upset, dating, it always came back down to this place, right here. I took a step to turn around and take in the place I haven’t been to in almost one year.
I heard a slight cough, an intentional one. I turned around to see the one and only, Stephen Keller staring straight at me, determined. I blinked and stared at him.
“Hey,” he whispered softly. I was frozen in time and couldn’t bring myself to say anything, much less, move. I took in everything, comparing to the last time I saw him…almost one year ago; now, his light brown hair fell straight falling slightly into his baby blue eyes, the dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep of many nights, his slight fidgeting from the nerves. I smiled slightly, remembering every little thing he used to do when he was nervous, happy, when he was feeling anything at all, I knew him like the back of my hand.
Cautiously, he took one step closer to me. I closed my eyes in anticipation. He got closer and closer, soon enveloping me into a hug in his arms. I released a breath as I clung to his neck.
“I missed you. So much,” he whispered. I pulled back quickly.
“But you can’t.” He scrunched his face.
“Wha- what? Excuse me?”
“You can’t miss me. You…You can’t just show up here!” I shouted. No no no, my heart screamed. Don’t mess this up! But my mouth couldn’t stop. “It’s been a year. I left you. It’s done. It’s over. You just can’t.” Stephen sighed and rubbed his face frustrated.
“What do you mean I can’t? What are you, my mother? Come on, Julia. You and I both know fully well, you didn’t want to leave me. You cried. I know you did. You’re a wreck. So am I. So? Let. It. Fucking. Go.”
“Let it go?! I can’t let it go! But I can let you go,” I seethed. It took so much will power to make him believe me, make him believe that I didn’t need him, I’m fine on my own.
“Tell me why. Tell me one good goddamn reason why I should let you go, and I’ll go,” he said quietly. His blue eyes desperate, begging for an answer why almost twelve months ago, I left without a sound, across the country.
“Because… because I…,” I paused and sighed. Collecting my thoughts. My head argued with itself, the truth? No. A lie? No. A truth? Yes. Lie? Yes. Don’t lie! Don’t tell him the truth! You’ve come this far already! I shook my head. I turned around, away from him so I didn’t have to see his face as I tried to make a conclusion. I felt his presence close to me. It never changed. It was still something I felt since we were twelve. But everything is different now, how can one thing, stay the same after seven years?
Stephen laid his hands on my shoulder spinning me around to face him, to look him in the eyes. “Because I,” I took a deep breath. This was it. “I was scared. I knew what would happen. You would go and try to do the things you wanted to do, and I would do my own thing. You had every girl chasing after you that you passed on the streets. I mean it seemed at the time, so much easier just to break it off myself than for you to come around and just say, ‘oh hey, by the way, we’re over.’ And have you flouncing off with another girl right after. And you would just forget about me. You’re supposed to forget about me. It’s just how it goes. I figured it wouldn’t hurt as much if I just did it myself. I couldn’t take the pity from myself then.” I avoided his eye contact looking down. He crept down to my vision, making me look at him.
“So you’d rather have us both suffer? To make me cry my heart out and get the guts to chase you after a goddamn year for answers? Let me start of with this, if all the girls chased me down the streets, I never noticed. My heart and mind were always on you. They never compared to you. I would have never left you.
“I’m sorry that I can’t forget about you,” he spat sarcastically. “You’re a bitch. You’re stubborn. You make my day miserable sometimes. You kill me when you put on loads of makeup; you murder me when you think you’re not gorgeous. You make my day just by looking at me and giving me a smile. You’re a bitch, but one of the nicest people I’ve never met. You’re headstrong, even if it gets you in trouble sometimes. But you were always mine, even when technically, you weren’t. And after all that time, I realized that. Hell, I’ve realized it the moment you said we’re over. But I didn’t have the guts to come after you. I’m nervous as shit even right now, standing in front of you. But I thought this is what she wanted isn’t it? I mean, why else would she end it? Did I do something? She never told me. She didn’t seem out of character…” All the words rushed together until now, he made himself take a breath.
“And I thought about it. I told myself, who the fuck does she think she is, to just break up with me without any explanation. And a few months later, I went to your house. But you weren’t there. I asked the neighbors and they said you left the day after you ended it with me. So I sat there. I thought. And thought. And thought. And I cried. And then I was grumpy and angry. I was a bastard to everyone I knew and everyone I met. I thought I deserved to know why you just decided to leave.”
I stared at him. Amazed by how he can say so much, while I was scared to say anything at all, when I was the one who left. He was chasing after me.
“I could never forget you anyway. I came here to get answers. But now that I’m standing here, in front of you, looking at you, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” he whispered. Tears slid down my cheek. I caused this. I deserved everything he said. I deserved the pain he’s going to cause after this.
I looked at my feet, flashing back to when we laid down at this very spot on the floor during the summer to get away and we watched the sun all day and night. And at this very moment, the snow started to fall faster than before. A winter wonderland some would call it. The kind of snow that makes everyone smile and have the urge to go outside.
I looked up at the sky smiling slightly despite the bad timing. Of any minute in the day, it had to have started to actually snow now.
But looking back on it now, I wouldn’t have changed it at all.
Without saying anything, Stephen pushed closer, connecting our lips for the very first time in a year. To my natural reaction, the one that felt right, I lifted myself up on my toes closer to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. His hands wound themselves around my waist and pulled me closer. Warmth that I missed filled my body. I pulled back staring into his eyes. He gave me a nervous grin, one I missed. I kissed him again, reminiscing on all the times we were together. We were invincible.
“Don’t you dare leave me again, I swear.”