I'm Finding Me Out

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I asked Zack excitedly. “I didn’t even know you liked her!”

“It didn’t exactly seem appropriate. Especially with everything that’s happened with Alex,” Zack replied.

“You are so sweet!” I exclaimed, punching him playfully in the arm. “I hope she says yes!”

“I don’t even know if she’s over Alex,” Zack said glumly, his eyes downcast.

“Hey, just ask her,” I said, lifting his chin to look at me. “What have you got to lose?”

Zack smiled weakly at me and we both got off the bus to go back to the game. I looked over at Matt on the benches as Zack and I ran across the field. My heart ached for him. I wanted so badly to run up to him and tell him that I loved him. I wanted him to hold me in his arms and kiss me on the side of my face and tell me that he loved me, too.

That was the way things were supposed to be. But things never really went to plan for me, and I always had really bad timing. I’d promised Jack I’d participate in his little charade, and I had to be committed to it. Jack was one of my best friends. But every time he held my hand or his arm snaked around my waist or shoulders, I felt like I was betraying Matt. What hurt me most was the look I saw on Matt’s face when he thought I wasn’t looking.

His face looked like I felt.

Broken. Confused. Alone.

When Zack and I reached the others again, I jogged over to stand beside Jack. Matt came over to referee the second half of the game. I tried to look normal as we all took our positions. Jack’s arms found their way around my waist.

“Get on your side!” I laughed, pushing him away. Jack smiled and made his way to the other side of the line, opposite me. he gave me a goofy smile as Matt blew the whistle and the game began. Alex threw the ball and I ran for it at full speed. I caught it easily in one hand and clutched it to my chest, running up-field. I was almost to the scoring line, when someone crushed into the back of me with huge force, knocking me off my feet. My knees buckled and I fell to the ground hard.

The pain started in my lower back and worked its way up. I screamed out in shock.

“Zack! You asshole!” I heard Jack scream. My head was spinning and I tried to sit up. I fell back down and screamed out in pain as my back made contact with the ground again. I stared up at the sky as I waited for help. Matt’s face appeared in my line of vision.

“Roxxie? Are you okay?” he asked, lines of worry creasing his face. I tried to nod, but my head felt incredibly heavy. I winced in pain and brought my hand to my head. Matt moved me slowly and held me in his arms. I rested my head on his chest.

“Am I bleeding?” I asked him.

“No, thank God,” he said, pushing strands of hair out of my face.

“Then let’s finish the motherfucking game!” I exclaimed. Everyone laughed. I looked up and noticed they were all crowded around, looking down at me.

“That was a brutal tackle, man. Are you sure you want to play?” Alex asked.

“I’ve gotta get Zack back, don’t I?” I joked.

“I’m so sorry, Roxxie,” Zack said. He looked like he was about to cry.

“Zack, it’s fine. Forget about it,” I said.

“I didn’t know I was going to hit that hard,” he said.

“I guess you don’t know your own strength sometimes,” I sighed. I started to slip and Matt readjusted me in his arms. He gave me a drink of water before helping me onto my feet. I leant heavily against him as my legs refused to cooperate. My knees buckled and I nearly fell to the ground again, but Matt caught me.

“You’re not playing football anymore,” he said.

“C’mon, Matt! We’re winning!” I complained. Matt smiled weakly and scooped me up into his arms. He took me over to the benches and made me sit down. The game started up again and Matt sat down beside me. I was just about to lean into him for a perfect little hug when Jack came jogging over. He knelt down on the ground in front of me and took my face in his hands.

“You okay, angel?” he asked me. I sighed but went along with it.

“Yes,” I sighed, resting my forehead against Jack’s. He pulled me into a tight hug.

“I’ll kill Zack for you,” he joked.

“I don’t think you could even if you tried,” I laughed, taking his hands in mine.

“We’ll see,” he said, a spark in his eye. He leant forward and kissed me on the forehead before running back to the game.

“What’s going on with you and Jack?” Matt blurted out after a few minutes of awkward silence.

“Why?”

“Just wondering, is all,” Matt said, looking away. I wished he knew. I really did. I wished he knew that I loved him and that I knew he loved me. I wished we could be together, but everything seemed to be pushing us apart.

I didn’t know what to tell Matt. Should I tell him that Jack was my boyfriend? That I liked him? I had no idea what to say. I’d always been the girl with the big mouth, the girl that always spoke up and knew exactly what to say, but Matt had a way of leaving me speechless. Luckily, something happened and people started yelling.

“That was for Roxxie!” Jack screamed. I saw that Zack was doubled over in pain. I rose to my feet, ignoring the pounding in my head and ran over to Zack. Adi was there first. She rubbed soothing circles on his back and whispered in his ears. I wanted to apologize for Jack’s behaviour, but I didn’t want to interrupt the moment Adi and Zack were having.
Instead, I grabbed Jack by the collar.

“What the hell was that?!” I screamed at him.

“I told you I could take him,” Jack mumbled with an uneasy smile.

“He knocked me over by accident!” I screeched. “What you did was just mean!”

“I’m sorry!” he backpedalled.

“It’s not me you should be apologizing to,” I said. Jack made his way over to Zack and apologized profusely. I could tell that he really meant it. Everyone gave up on the game as people kept getting hurt and we piled back onto the bus. Zack sat curled up on the couch, holding his stomach in pain. Adi had her arms wrapped around his shoulders in comfort. Alex was sitting opposite them, and shooting daggers at Zack. I sat down on the couch next to Alex and nudged him in the shoulder.

“Relax, man,” I whispered.

“How can I? He’s pushing up on my girlfriend!”

“Dude, you’re not together anymore,” I said softly.

“I know,” he said, looking down at his feet. “But Zack? Really?”

“Let her move on,” I said.

“But it’s Zack,” he complained.

“Then you know that he’ll take care of her,” I said.

“I guess,” Alex said, looking at me with a weak smile. Jack emerged from the bathroom and apologized to Zack again. Zack told him it was fine, that he hadn’t got him in the balls anyway, only just above. Adi gave Jack the look of death, though and he made his way over to Alex and I. He sat on the couch next to me and I took his hand in mine.

“I forgive you,” I said.

“Good,” he said, placing a small kiss on my cheek.

“Do you guys have something to tell us?” Alex said, raising an eyebrow. Jack gave me a look and I nodded. It was now or never. Might as well get it over with. Everyone on the bus fell silent and looked our way. I swallowed nervously and looked to Jack for help. He got the message and spoke for the both of us.

“Roxxie and I are sort of, a thing,” Jack said slowly. I punched him in the arm.

“Don’t make it sound so awful!” I exclaimed. Jack rubbed the sore spot where I’d hit him theatrically.

“Jack is my boyfriend. I’m his girlfriend. That is all,” I announced. Surprise was evident on everyone’s faces. A few smiled and congratulated us. Addison left the bus immediately and Rian ran after her.

“Congrats, dudes!” Alex said, clapping me on the back. “Although I always thought I’d get with Roxxie first.”

“As if!” I said, pushing him in the shoulder.

“Aw, c’mon. I’m so much sexier than Jack,” he joked.

“Not to me,” I said with a smile, putting my arm around Jack’s torso.

“I think I’m gonna throw up,” Alex joked. I laughed and snuggled up next to Jack. It felt so weird doing so, and saying things like that about Jack. It all felt so...wrong. I risked a glance over at Matt, but he’d busied himself organising stuff on his laptop.

“Shit,” I muttered.

“What is it, babe?” Jack asked me.

“Rian and Adi. Why do I get the feeling that everybody hates me?”

“I don’t,” Jack said with a smile, pulling me closer to him.

“Neither do I,” Alex chimed in. I smiled at him and tried to feel comfortable in Jack’s arms, even though everything about our situation felt completely wrong. Everything was backwards, sideways and upside down. It certainly wasn’t the right way up.

Everything was just so fucked.

There was no other way of putting it.

______

I was playing through ‘Too Much’ on my acoustic guitar that afternoon in the back room of the bus when Alex walked in with his guitar. He sat down on the floor beside me in front of the couch. I stopped playing to look at him with a questioning look on my face.

“Do you remember when we wrote this song together?” Alex asked me. I smiled and nodded.

“It was always supposed to be an acoustic duet,” I said quietly. Somewhere along the way, the song had been totally butchered in production and all this techno crap had been added to it. I had loved the song when Alex and I had written it together, but now it was one of my least-liked tracks on the record.

“Do you still remember it?” Alex asked, pulling his guitar into his lap.

“Of course. You know we should have never let them ruin it,” I said.

“I guess I have this need to please people,” Alex said.

“Whatever. It’s over now,” I said.

“Wanna play it together?”

“Sure.”

“Wait! I gotta get this on camera!” Matt yelled, bursting into the room with his camera. He sat down on the floor across from us.

“Roxxie can sing, you know,” Matt told Alex.

“I know,” Alex said.

“Nobody else does, and by the way, I’m not that good,” I told them.

“Shut up and sing,” Alex laughed. I laughed and started the original acoustic intro for ‘Too Much’. Alex joined in after a moment, and the melodies blended together in a perfect harmony, just like it should have been on the record.

Alex sang the first verse and I joined in at the chorus. It was like we’d written the song the day before, and everything came flooding back to me. Singing with Alex felt so natural and as easy as breathing.

After the chorus, I sang the second verse, my voice filling the room. I concentrated on the lyrics as I sang and I meant every word that came out of my mouth. Alex and I had written this song together over a year ago, when we were both going through really hard times in our lives. My boyfriend had cheated on me, leaving me feeling worthless and used, and Alex had gone through a tough breakup with his then-current girlfriend, Lisa. Everyone tried to talk us through it, but we pushed them away and only relied on each other. We could both identify so well. We talked all the time and became really close.

I had missed our closeness. Alex was like a brother to me and even after everything he’d done I really did love him. I loved all the guys as though they were my family. I’d grown up with them and we’d always been together. Hanging out every day was just something we did. Being the only girl in the band, I never felt like I didn’t belong, because the guys made me so much a part of their lives. For the most part, I was one of the guys and romantic relationships or ‘feelings’ of any sort ever got in the way. Until now.

‘Too Much’ seemed so completely relevant for both Alex and I at that point in our lives. Our voices blended together as though we’d rehearsed a million times before as we sang the chorus together and built up to the bridge.

”Too much of anything is too much,” Alex sang.

“It’s just too much...” I continued in a higher tone. Our voices blended together in an effortless duet as we strummed our guitars in time.

By the end of the song, I felt weightless. The moment had been perfect. I looked over at Alex with a smile.

“I missed this,” I said, reaching for his hand.

“Good to have you back,” he said with an endearing smile, squeezing my hand tight.