I'm Finding Me Out

Roxxie’s POV

Matt immediately disappeared from the room to upload the video of Alex and I playing ‘Too Much’ to the official website. He’d said he was also going to upload it to YouTube. I’d told him not to, as I was totally insecure about my singing abilities, but both Alex and Matt had been adamant – they wanted the fans to see it.

Alex and I made our way out into the main lounge, where everyone else was getting ready to start up a movie. The bus rolled along slowly, our driver already settled in for his all-night driving shift. Some of the crew members had already gone to bed, but the rest of us were too hyped up to go to sleep. Jack was flicking through our DVD selection, while everyone else got comfortable on the couches.

I noticed that Zack and Adi were sitting closer together than usual and Zack was holding her hand. I raised my eyebrows at him and he smiled widely back at me. I realised suddenly that he must’ve asked her out and her answer was yes! I gave him a thumbs up and his smile – if possible – grew wider. I looked over to the other couch to see Alex staring at the pair. I rolled my eyes and sat down next to him.

“Remember what I told you before?” I reminded him.

“I know, I know. And I do want her to be happy. It’s just so hard to watch them together,” Alex whimpered, looking down at his hands.

“Hey, it’ll get better,” I said, putting my arm around his shoulders. He nodded and leant into me.

“Get your hands off my girl, Gaskank!” Jack hollered. I laughed and released my grip on Alex.

“Calm down, Barakat,” I said with a wry smile. He laughed and made his way over to me, flopping down on the couch beside me with the DVD folder in his lap. He flipped through them and stopped when he found Home Alone.

“We are not watching Home Alone,” I said, fixing him with a glare. “We watched it yesterday!”

“But it’s the best movie ever created,” Jack complained with a pout. I rolled my eyes at him and took the folder from his hands.

“What’s the bet Roxxie will pick a Harry Potter movie? Do I have ten dollars? Anyone?” Jack hollered. I hit him in the arm and the others laughed. They all knew how obsessed I was with Harry Potter. I chose Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, my favourite Harry Potter film, and got up to put it into the DVD player. Alex got off the couch and settled down on the floor to watch the movie, as did Rian. Zack and Adi had the couch opposite Jack to themselves. I realised that Jack and I had one to ourselves, too.

The movie started and I made my way back over to Jack. The bus suddenly lurched and I fell forward, straight into Jack. He caught me in his arms and laughed, messing my hair up.

“Watch where you’re going, babe,” he said with a laugh.

“If you wanna keep your balls, I suggest you don’t call me ‘babe’,” I warned him. He laughed and wrapped his arm around my waist as we settled into the couch. Rian turned the lights off as the film started, and the bus was illuminated by the television screen.

Jack and I lay entangled on the couch in front of the television. He had his arm wrapped securely around my waist and I shifted my position so that my arms encircled his torso. My head was resting on his chest, my hair spread out everywhere. Jack played with strands of my hair, twisting them around his fingers.

“They’re not believing it,” Jack whispered into my ear. I adjusted my position beside Jack to risk a glance at my band mates. They all kept glancing at us and were obviously sceptical.

“We told them it was official just today. They probably think it’s a prank,” I whispered back.

“What do we do?” Jack whispered, worry crossing his features.

“Make them believe,” I said, rolling on top of him.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Jack whispered fiercely.

“Pretend I’m Alex or something. Just go with it,” I urged him, cupping his face in my hands. I closed my eyes and brought his lips to mine, kissing him softly at first. I slid my hands down his chest and he responded, gripping my hips in his hands. I kissed him harder, sliding my tongue along his lower lip. He obliged and I slipped my tongue into his mouth, running it along its insides. Jack ran his hands along my back, underneath my tee-shirt. I thought we’d been faking, but somehow we’d both got caught up in the moment and I let out an involuntary moan.

“Get a room!” Alex protested, tossing a pillow at us. This forced us apart and we both sat up. I crawled back into Jack’s arms feeling incredibly flustered. He kissed the top of my head and tightened his grip around my torso.

“You’re one hell of a kisser,” he whispered into my ear.

“Not so bad yourself,” I giggled, tightening my grip around him.

“That’s disgusting,” Alex commented. “I think I’m gonna hurl.”

“You better get used to it, Lex,” I laughed, slapping him across the back of the head.

“Thank you for doing this,” Jack whispered in my ear after a few moments of silence.

“Really. I owe you one.”

“It’s no problem,” I whispered back. A complete lie.

It was a huge problem. The whole charade was the only thing getting in the way of my feelings for Matt. It also screwed up my relationship with my siblings. In short, the fake-relationship we had going had fucked up my entire life.

Maybe I was being melodramatic, but I had a feeling our next show was going to be very interesting – which is basically the nice way of saying fucked up.

______

When we arrived in Boston the next morning and got off the bus, we were immediately met by swarms of fans behind barriers. They screamed out to us as we filed off the bus, on the way to an interview for a magazine. Jack held onto my hand, interlacing our fingers. I leant into his side as we walked past the crowds, who started screaming louder – if possible – when they saw Jack and I together. Cameras flashed and I knew that the pictures of Jack and I together would be up on the internet before we’d even stepped inside the building.

When we entered the building, we were ushered into a small room with a large couch. We all sat down together, Rian taking the opposite end of the couch to me. That hurt. We always sat together. We were twins for goodness sake. It looked as though everyone had chosen sides. The line had been drawn in the sand and I was stuck on one side with Jack and Alex, and it seemed like everyone else was on the other side.

A young girl entered the room after a moment and took a seat opposite us, a camera man behind her. There were two other cameramen capturing the side views. I always felt sort of awkward in front of cameras. I never knew what to do with myself. How should I sit? What should I say? I had no idea.

“First of all, welcome. How’s the tour going so far?” The interviewer, whose name was Amy asked us.

“Thanks,” Alex spoke up. “Well, we kick-started the tour the day before yesterday in New York City. The shows are always crazy there, it was insane!”

“There’s been a lot of rumours circulating on the net about Roxxie’s stunt with a fan,” Amy said, turning to me. “Care to elaborate?”

“From my place on stage, I could see that she was getting totally crushed. I had to get her out before she got seriously hurt. Sorry if I offended anyone with the swearing!” I said with a small smile. Jack laughed, draping his arm casually over my shoulders.

“That was very generous of you. Helping the girl on stage after, too. I’m sure that’s not something she’ll forget,” Amy said.

“No one deserves that kind of treatment. At a concert, everyone’s there to have fun, you know? We just want everyone to stay safe and have a good time,” I said.

“Speaking of good times, would you mind talking about another rumour?” Amy asked.

“Depends which one!” I said with a laugh.

“Pictures are all over the net of you and Jack in New York. Rumours have started up that you two are an item. Is this true?”

“Yes, we’re dating,” Jack said, pulling me closer to him. I smiled and nodded at Amy.

The rest of the interview passed without a hitch. I wondered how the fans would react when they found out. Would they be happy for us? Would we get hate for it? I was honestly worried. Alex talked for most of the interview about the tour, upcoming shows, and the new album that we were currently working on.

After the interview, we all went back to the bus. We stopped to sign things for the fans on the way past and Jack never left my side. He wouldn’t let go of my hand, and we both had to sign things with one. The fans constantly took pictures but no one dared to ask, that is, until we reached a short, blonde girl. She was wearing a JAGK shirt and she stared at Jack like he was something to eat.

“Are you and Roxxie dating?” She blurted out. It was like I wasn’t even there.

“Yes, we’re dating,” Jack stated with confidence. The girl raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

“What, you don’t believe us?” I said, hardly able to hold back my smile. Jack responded by holding my face in one hand and tilting his head towards mine. Cameras flashed as our lips connected in a slow kiss. It was nice, I’ll admit, but I couldn’t help but feel that familiar pang of guilt in my stomach. I was betraying everyone by being with Jack, and every time we made contact, I felt like I was dealing with the devil.

I was a terrible person. I was a liar. The worst kind of person you could ever meet. What made it even worse was that I was lying to the people that I held closest to my heart – the people I really loved. I would gladly take a bullet for both of my siblings, for Matt. For all my friends. I had so much love in my heart for them, but it felt like the love in my heart was slowly leaking out, poison taking its place.

When we got back onto the bus, another surprise awaited us. It was something that I had already guessed, but nobody else had seen it coming. Especially Alex. When Zack and Addison announced that they too, were officially dating, I thought Alex might have knocked Zack out right then and there. But he was polite. He crossed the room and shook Zack’s hand, congratulating him and telling him to take special care of Addison.

I watched Addison’s face carefully, gauging her reaction, and saw a look of doubt cross her features. She watched Alex walk away to the back room with a longing look in her eyes. It was blatantly obvious to anyone who was watching her that she wasn’t over Alex. I wanted to tell her to get her head together, that dating Zack wasn’t right if she still loved Alex. I wanted to support her and be on her side, but I was conflicted. How could I support her decision if Zack’s heart could get broken in the process? I couldn’t just let her get away with her little experiment – I couldn’t let Zack be her guinea pig.

But hadn’t I already interfered enough? I was sure that if I even hinted at anything of a sort, Addison and I would only grow further apart. But there was a part of me that was so loyal to my band mates, my brothers. I had to do what was right. And if I was right, and Addison still loved Alex – than what she was doing was most definitely wrong.

Addison suddenly looked my way and I fixed her with a glare, shaking my head. She scrunched her eyebrows together into a frown and clung to Zack’s side. I almost cringed. I had been happy for Zack when he’d asked my permission – he deserved to be happy. But now that I knew that Addison was using him, the whole thing just seemed so wrong. I walked quickly out of the room to go after Alex.

I found him in the back room of the bus, slumped against the wall sobbing, tears running down his reddened face. The sight of him broke my heart. I crossed the room and sat down next to him, wrapping my arms around him. He cried into my shoulder as I held him, his body almost convulsing due to his heavy sobbing.

“It’s not right, Roxxie,” Alex said through his tears. “I told her forever! I know I messed up, but I always thought we’d get back together eventually. It was always me and her. Always. I told her forever and I meant it and she believed me. She promised me, too. She promised! Me and her, forever...and now she’s going to have forever with somebody else!”

I didn’t know what to say. I figured he just needed someone to listen. I held him closer to me and let him cry it out. Jack came into the room after a while and joined us, sitting on Alex’s other side. He hugged him, too; the three of us clung to each other like our lives depended on it.

Eventually, Alex’s sobs faded out and we just sat there in silence, holding onto each other but not saying anything.

“Why didn’t you talk to me, Jack? After everything at the party?” Alex whispered after a long silence. He was so quiet that I barely heard him. I wondered if Jack had. I looked over at him and saw that his eyebrows were knitted together thoughtfully. He’d heard.

“I thought it might be a bit awkward, with the drunk kissing and everything,” Jack said in his normal joking manner. Alex laughed shortly, lifting his head to look up at Jack.

“But why didn’t you just make dick jokes or something? Anything? I missed you, Jack. I thought you’d given up on me, just like everybody else,” Alex said.

“Never, Lex. Best friends forever, remember?” Jack said, looking serious. It was one of the few times I’d seen him serious. His eyes were glazed over and it looked as though he might burst into tears as well. I knew exactly how he felt. Alex was out of reach. So close, yet so far. Jack loved him, but they couldn’t be together. It was the same for Matt and I.

Who knew being in love would be so damn hard?

My siblings hated me. Matt was moving further and further away from me with each passing day.

The poison was slowly filling my heart, my body, and eating away at me. I wondered how long it would go on before it consumed me completely and I disappeared.