I'm Finding Me Out

Roxxie’s POV

“Matt! Let me go!” I screamed, squirming in his grip.

“Please don’t make me do this,” Matt said, his voice cracking.

“What are you talking about?”

“Roxxie, don’t do this,” he said, tightening his grip around me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” I screeched, frustrated. I pulled at his arms, but his grip was vice-tight. There was no way I was escaping any time soon. Matt pulled me to the back room of the bus, away from Addison and everyone else.
When we got there, he shut the door behind us and made me sit down on the couch. I crossed my arms over my chest angrily and stared at him. I just wanted to kill Addison. I couldn’t believe the things she’d said.

At the same time, I wanted to break down in tears. I just wanted to scream and cry and become a stupid, hot mess. All on my own. When she’d brought Jasey up, it felt as though someone had stabbed me right through the heart. I couldn’t keep it up. I just couldn’t. I could feel myself stretching beyond my limits, and soon enough, I was going to break.

And right at that moment, I did.

The first few tears escaped from my eyes, trickling down my face slowly. I held my head in my hands as the sobs built up and overtook me. Bending forward on the couch, I cried it all out. Everything that had been brewing underneath the surface had come up.

I felt broken.

I felt Matt’s arms wrap around my shoulders. He held me to his chest and rubbed soothing circles into my back. He told me that everything would be okay, but I knew that it wouldn’t. It hadn’t been for a long time. Eventually, my tears subsided, and I just sat on the couch, curled into Matt’s side.

He brushed my hair back behind my ears with his hand ever so gently, sending shivers throughout my body when he touched me. Butterflies filled my stomach when his lips lightly brushed my forehead. I knew that I couldn’t deny it.

I was in love with James Matthew Flyzik.

“I’m sorry,” I said into his chest. He held me at arm’s length and looked me in the eye. Worry was clear on his features.

“What for?” He asked me, sounding puzzled.

“For being such a mess and ruining your shirt,” I said. “I’m not normally like this.”

“Roxxie, you know I’m always here for you,” he said, pain flashing across his face.

“I’ve done things that I’m not proud of,” I admitted, looking down at my feet.

“Everybody makes mistakes,” he said softly, taking my hand in his.

“It seems like I’m always the one fucking up these days,” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“It just feels like it’s me against the world. I feel like everybody hates me,” I said glumly, keeping my eyes trained on the floor.

“You know that’s not true,” Matt said, squeezing my hand reassuringly.

“Feels like it,” I said, lifting my face to look at him. He stared straight back at me, his eyes full of hurt. I wanted to tell him, I really did. I wanted to tell him more than anything else in the world. But I couldn’t. I was bound up so tight by lies, and it seemed like there was no escape.

Matt moved his hand to the side of my face, holding it there ever so gently. I stared back at him as he moved closer to me, resting his forehead against mine. My heart beat wildly in my chest, thrashing against my ribcage so hard I feared it would break. We were both breathing heavily and I closed my eyes, bringing my hand to his chest, grabbing his shirt and pulling his body closer to mine. He brought his other hand up, so that he held my face in both of his hands. I could feel it coming. My heart beat overtime in anticipation as Matt slowly tilted his face, his lips lightly brushing against mine.

The door to the backroom suddenly flew open with a crash, jerking us both apart. Jack stood in the open doorway, staring at us suspiciously.

“Did I interrupt something?” He asked, looking between the both of us. He glared jealously at Matt.

“No. We were just talking,” Matt said, abruptly standing up and leaving the room. It might have been my imagination, but I swear that I saw his eyes swell up with tears.

“I heard about what happened with Addison,” Jack said, sitting down on the couch next to me. I traced my lips with my fingers, where Matt’s lips had just been. My stomach did flips at the memory of the butterfly kiss. Had it really happened? Had I been dreaming? I wished that Jack hadn’t shown up, but what would’ve happened between Matt and I if he hadn’t? Would it have gone further? I wanted it to, but if it had, everything I’d built with Jack would be destroyed. The truth would come out.

“Are you okay?” Jack asked me, slipping his arm around my shoulders. It felt foreign and wrong. I had the sudden urge to shake him off, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

“Fine,” I lied, leaning against his chest. He pat me on the head and pulled me closer to him.

“You know you can tell me anything, babe,” he whispered.

“I’m not your ‘babe’, Jack. This is just pretend, remember?” My voice came out sounding far more hostile than I had intended.

“I’m sorry. But we’re still best friends, Roxxie. Best friends tell each other everything,” he said, his voice full of hurt. I could feel my heart breaking. I was hurting everyone around me. Rian, Addison, Jack, but most of all, Matt. My heart ached for him, I longed to reach out to him, but he was continually moving further and further away.

“I’m sorry, Jack. I’m just wrecking everything,” I said with a sigh.

“No you’re not, Roxxie. Things go wrong and people stuff up, but it all works out in the end. It’s gonna be okay,” Jack reassured me, gazing down at me. I looked up into his brown eyes and attempted a small smile.

“Hang in there, kid,” he said with a smile, ruffling my hair.

______

That night, the show in Boston was sold out. I waited backstage with the others to go on. My hair was out, loose and wild. I wore a pair of black skinny jeans and a grey Glamour Kills tee-shirt. I glanced over at Rian and noticed that we weren’t matching. We were always matching. I sighed and sat down on the couch next to Zack, who was messing around on his bass guitar. I hadn’t spoken to anyone but Jack since the fight with Addison on the bus.

Everybody was avoiding me and I felt completely alone.

I looked over at Rian. He was sitting on the couch across from me, bouncing his legs up and down nervously like he always did. His constant fidgeting drove everyone crazy. He avoided eye contact with me and instead focused his attention on his feet. Jack was busy stuffing his face with pre-show food God knows where, and Alex was doing vocal exercises somewhere else as well.

I sat in the room with my twin brother, who refused to speak to me, and my sister’s boyfriend, who was so absorbed in himself that he didn’t pay attention to anyone else. I sighed and left the room, closing the door quietly on my way. Rian didn’t even look up.
I made my way to the side of the stage to watch the remainder of the supporting acts. Matt stood there, and when I approached, he glanced up at me.

“Hi,” I said awkwardly, standing beside him.

“You feeling any better?” He asked me. I shook my head and Matt reached for my head, intertwining his fingers with mine. I glanced up at him and he stared right back at me.

“Roxxie?” I heard Jack call out. Matt released my hand, my arm falling slack at my side. The moment had been broken. He fiddled with his lip ring and looked away as Jack approached.

“Where have you been?” Jack asked, sounding worried.

“No one wanted me around,” I shrugged, looking down at my feet.

“Roxxie, what happened to the happy, crazy you? Where’s she gone?” Jack said.

“I don’t know,” I said lamely. “I guess she’s been replaced with this newer version.”

“Well the newer version is shit,” Jack said with a small smile. I smiled weakly back at him as he pulled me into a hug, his arms wrapping around my back protectively. I sighed into his tee-shirt, just as the rest of the band arrived side-stage. Rian gave me a dirty look and my heart faltered at the look of hatred in his eyes. I gasped and broke away from Jack, bringing my hands to my face.

“Roxxie, what’s wrong?” Jack asked me, putting his arm around my shoulders. I shoved him off and took my guitar from Matt.

“Let’s just play the motherfucking show,” I said, slinging the guitar strap over my shoulder as tears started to form in my eyes. I blinked them back, not wanting to cry in front of the others.

“Roxxie, are you sure you feel well enough to play?” Alex asked me now, looking at me with worry clear on his face.

“Yeah, you shouldn’t push yourself so hard if you’re not up to it,” Jack added.

“I’m fine,” I insisted, holding my guitar in front of me.

“No, you’re not,” Rian spoke up from the back of the group. My eyes widened as he pushed through the others to approach me.

“Why are you doing this, Roxanne?” he said, his voice low. He never used my proper name.

“Why are you?” I retorted.

“What have I done?” Rian asked, sounding almost offended.

“Rian, you’ve basically disowned me! We haven’t spoken in weeks, you avoid me, you give me dirty looks. I feel like you don’t want me to be your twin anymore.”

“You were wrong to say those things to Addison,” Rian said after a moment of silence. He looked away from me.

“You didn’t deny it,” I said, the tears spilling over now.

“Didn’t deny what?” Rian snapped.

“That you didn’t want to be my twin anymore,” I said, staring at him in disbelief. He turned and walked away, while the others stared. A strong silence fell over the group. Jack approached me but I told him to leave me alone. I leant against the wall and used the bottom of the shirt to wipe my tears away.

“Guys, you’re on now,” Matt said after a moment. Everyone moved awkwardly on stage, no one speaking to each other. We were supposed to be best friends. We were supposed to want to be together all the time. But right then, surrounded by my band mates, and standing in front of a huge crowd, I still felt all alone.