I'm Finding Me Out

I tried with all my strength to get out of my boyfriend’s grasp – but it was no use. He outweighed me by about 30 or 40 pounds and most of it was muscle. As Roxxie and I fought to get back to each other; Matt took her into the back lounge and Zack took me outside; with Rian following quickly behind us.

After struggling a bit I realized exactly what I was doing and stopped. I began to tear up and soon cry because of the reality of it. Roxxie and I had never been so brutal to each other in our entire lives. Hell, I’d never been that brutal to anyone.

Rian gave me a sympathetic look before coming over and hugging me. He spoke quietly to
Zack. “Can you give us a minute please, man?”

“Of course,” he said and I heard his feet crunch across the gravel – signalling he was gone.
I quickly wrapped my arms around Rian and began to cry heavily. I was certain his shirt would be ruined in a few minutes; but I knew he didn’t care. And it was honestly
the furthest thing from my mind at that moment.

A few minutes of constant crying occurred until I spoke. “Can we please take a walk or something?”

He nodded with a soft smile. “Of course.”

We began to walk in silence as I tried to calm down and think of something to say. What do you say when you just had a fight with your sister? But I didn’t have to because Rian spoke first. “That was pretty rough back there.”

“I know,” I sniffled. “But she was making me so angry.”

“And it came out of nowhere,” Rian observed. “You two were texting and bam! You shot up and went off on her. What’s even going on?”

“Roxxie won’t freaking trust us!” I yelled a bit too loudly. “She was talking about how she is having a hard time; and I offered to help her and she got all bent out of shape.”

He sighed. “I don’t understand why you two can’t just get along.”

“Because we’re too stubborn,” I explained. “Roxxie runs away from her problems instead of actually trying to solve them. While I believe I’m always right and that I’m never anything but it – which is a trait I really don’t enjoy having.”

“You really aren’t that bad,” Rian noted. “I think you just don’t like to be proven wrong.”
I thought about it for a moment before responding. “I suppose you’re right; I mean when Roxxie told me that I still had feelings for Alex I felt terrible and angry. I don’t want to have feelings for Alex; but I do, and no matter how hard I try to get rid of them – they just keep coming back to me. And I hated that I couldn’t say anything because I can tell it hurt Zack.”

Rian put his arm on my back and rubbed soothing circles into it as I sat down in the middle of the grass. We were at a venue and people with equipment were racing around all over the place, so I’m sure we were somewhat of a nuisance, but in that moment, I really couldn’t
care less.

He continued to rub circles into my back while he spoke. “You can’t help your feelings. I can tell that you’re trying to get over him, but it does take time. She needs to realize that.”

I sighed. “Thank you, Rian.”

“It’s not a problem,” he smiled. “But you also shouldn’t have said the Matt thing; I mean she is dating Jack.”

“Well, I’m dating Zack!” I snapped at him. “Sorry,” I said after a moment. “I’m just on edge right now.”

“I know how that goes,” he gave me a hug and stood up. “I’m gonna go now, Zack’s waiting for you over there anyway.”

“Okay,” I stood up from my seated position. “I love you.”

He stopped and turned back around. “I love you, too.”

I made my way over to Zack as he smiled softly at me. Thoughts of what just occurred came
back. When those arms grabbed me so tightly out of pure fear that we’d really hurt each other. It’s sad that we even had to go through that. But of course – Roxxie and I could never
get along.

Once I reached Zack, I began to hug him and nuzzle my face into his warm chest. He put his chin on my forehead and wrapped his arms around me protectively. I thought back to times when Roxxie and I were close – best friends practically.

I began to cry as I thought of a specific time back when I was about eight and she was ten. Our parents just had gotten into a huge fight and we were both scared that we’d get separated from each other if they got a divorce. Rian was gone; so the two of us cuddled up in a corner while I cried and she stayed strong for me. It’s moments like those that I wished
Roxxie and I weren’t in a fight.

“Shh,” he squeezed me tighter. “Don’t be sad Adi, please don’t baby.”

More tears came as he told me that because it proved how much of a sweet guy he was. And he was comforting me after he figured out I truly did still have feelings for Alex. Why did I deserve this? Hell, I know I didn’t.

Before I could start crying any more, he began to rock me back and forth in a small circle. He moved his arms down to my waist as I wrapped my arms around his neck. We began to sway back and forth as I looked up at him with confusion. “What are you doing?”

“This is my lame attempt at dancing and trying to cheer you up,” he replied with a smile as he looked down at me.

I giggled lightly. “But there’s no music.”

“Eh, that doesn’t matter,” he told me as he grabbed my right hand with left as he swayed me more fiercely, but with gentleness still.

I giggled madly as he began to dip me all around. Once he stopped he put my face up to his and he wiped the last small tear from my cheek. We looked intently at each other before he kissed me very lightly and gently on the lips – making me want more.

“Adi,” he called my name. “I love you.”

My breath hitched and I smiled. “I love you, too.”

I couldn’t even tell if I was lying.

_______

I headed further backstage in search of Alex. I was planning on helping him prepare for the show tonight for two reasons. One, to get away from Roxxie and avoid drama. And two, I wanted to talk to Alex because we hadn’t talked since right after he sang My Breakdown.

I found him singing some warm ups that he had learned over the years. I smiled and made my way to him. He jumped back once he saw me standing near him. He relaxed once he realized it was just me. “Hey, Adi, what’s up?”

“We still haven’t talked,” I said as I jumped up on the pile of instrument cases that came up to about my hip.

He sighed and stopped his singing. “What is there to talk about?”

“Why did you play that song with me right there?” I questioned. “You must’ve known I would cry.”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “It’s just a song that I’m planning to put on Dirty Work. So, I just decided to release it first. And you happened to be there the first time it was played.”

I rolled my eyes. “When are you going to stop trying to get me back?”

“When you say you’ll never take me back,” he said seriously.

“Come on Alex, we’re going on,” I heard Zack say as he smiled at me. After that, Alex left without another word.

I climbed down and gave Zack a kiss and a smile. “Good luck.”

“I love you,” he smiled as he pecked me once more.

“I love you, too,” I blushed as he waved and left me.

Alex came rushing back just as Zack left and kissed me softly on the forehead. He looked at
me longingly for a moment before running back to the stage. I sighed and slumped down the floor. What the hell was I getting myself into?