I'm Finding Me Out

Roxxie’s POV

I glanced over at Jack and he nodded, before starting to play his guitar. I followed suit a few moments later, coming in at exactly the right time, the sound of our guitars blending together perfectly into the intro we’d worked so hard on. I worked on fixing my composure before the sheet would drop and reveal the crowd. I couldn’t let the fans find out that I was feeling lousy. They’d paid for a good show, and a good show is what they’d get.

I took in a deep breath and rocked backwards on my heels a bit as I played, my body swaying to the beat slowly. Rian started up on the drums and the sheet dropped as the intro blended into Lost In Stereo.

Alex suddenly appeared from the side of the stage, running out into the centre and starting to sing the opening lines. The crowd screamed louder in response. I crossed the stage to stand up on one of the blocks beside Zack as I played, thrashing my hair around wildly. It streamed out behind me as I head-banged to the beat. I jumped off the block and made my way back over to the microphone stand beside Jack’s as the chorus came up, to sing the backing vocals.

The next few songs continued in a similar fashion, and I worked the stage as usual. The crowd was loving it, jumping and singing along as they always did, but a part of me felt like I wasn’t really there. Like I was a ghost watching myself play. It was totally creepy. Four songs in, we stopped to have a break and talk to the crowd.

“Hey Boston!” Alex hollered and the crowd cheered. “You having a good night or what?”

“Hey, Alex!” Jack called out.

“Yes Jack?”

“Look at all these sexy motherfuckers!” Jack exclaimed, gesturing to the crowd. I took this as an open opportunity for our fake relationship. I stepped up closer to my microphone.

“Watch yourself, Jack. I’m right here,” I said sarcastically.

“Sorry, babe!” Jack said with a laugh. I laughed, too, and looked over at Alex.

“So, this next song is actually one of Roxxie’s favourites,” he said, looking back at me with a smile. I glanced down at the set list that was taped to the stage floor.

“Hey, Alex, wait! I wanna try something,” Jack interrupted, making his way over to me. Alex sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Go Jack, you idiot!” Alex exclaimed and Jack flipped him the bird. When he reached me he whispered his plan in my ear and I shook my head.

“Jack, you’re fucking crazy,” I said into my microphone.

“Just do it,” he said. We walked over to the blocks in front of Rian’s drum kit and I stepped up, Jack remaining on the stage in front of me. I got onto his shoulders and he grabbed my legs as I found my balance. I held my guitar carefully as Jack made his way back over to my microphone stand. He took the mic and held it up to me. I took it from him and held it to my mouth before speaking.

“This is either the coolest thing we’ve ever done on stage or the stupidest thing we’ve ever done on stage,” I said and people in the crowd laughed and cheered. Cameras flashed as I passed the mic back down to Jack and he replaced it on the stand, taking his arms off my legs to grab his guitar. I did the same.

“We’re reeeeeeeeeady!” Jack hollered and Alex laughed.

“This song is called Six Feet Under The Stars, and I wanna hear y’all singing along!” He said, jumping up on one of the blocks at the front, centre stage.

Jack and I launched into the song, and he wobbled slightly under my weight. As we reached the chorus, Jack cautiously and slowly walked back towards the drum kit blocks so I could get off. I slid off awkwardly, my feet hitting solid ground again. I laughed and jumped off the blocks, landing squarely in the centre of the stage before running over to where Alex was, head-banging beside him.

The show was great and full of energy, but as we reached Jasey Rae, things started to go downhill. The intro went perfectly, and Alex started into the verse just fine, but just as he reached the end of it, he started to cough and sputter, grabbing at his throat and running off stage.

The rest of us didn’t know what to do. We continued playing the song, the absence of words painfully evident. I looked over at Zack in panic, my eyes widening, and his expression mirrored mine. We kept playing, no one singing the Don’t make this easy, I want you to mean it line. I couldn’t take it any longer. I stepped up to my microphone, opened my mouth, and prayed for good luck.

“JAAAASEEEEY!” I sang, and Zack quickly joined in with the backing vocals, say you mean it.

“You’re dressed to kill, I’m calling you out,” I sang.

“Don’t waste your time on me,” Zack sang right after me.

I sang the rest of the song smoothly, but when I reached the bridge, things got complicated. Alex and I had written this song together. Jasey Rae had meant something, to the both of us, and we’d both hurt her when we left.

“I’ve never told a lie, and that makes me a liar,” I sang, my voice cracking at the end. I started to cry as the crowd sang the words back to me, thousands of voices singing the words Alex and I meant so much.

“I’ve never made a bet but we gamble with desire,” the crowd roared.

I sobbed as I finished the song, but my voice rose above them, full of emotion, as the song drew to a close.

“I’ve never lit a match with intent to start a fire,
But recently the flames are getting out of control.
Call me a name, kill me with words.
Forget about me, it’s what I deserve.
I was chance to get out of this town,
But I ditched the car and left you to wait outside,
I hope the air will serve to remind you
That my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath,
And my words are as timed as the beating in my chest!”

My voice resonated throughout the venue, echoing and bouncing off the walls as the guitars stopped and the crowd fell silent. Thousands of pairs of eyes stared at me for a few moments of silence, before breaking into wild applause, screaming, and cheering. That moment of silence just took my breath away. It was like they knew. Like they understood. Not just about Jasey Rae, but about me. In that moment, I felt more connected to the music, to the fans, to myself, more than I ever had in my entire life.

After that, Alex walked back on stage and wrapped me in a tight hug. My guitar slid around to my back as I hugged him back, our bodies pressed closely together. He knew how much that song meant to me, how it affected me. Alex and I were so closely connected on so many levels, we always had been, ever since the day we’d met. We’d both shared experiences that had shaped us, and writing songs together had always been natural. Alex and I shared that hug and the others didn’t bother to interrupt us. They knew how much that song meant to the both of us. This was a moment that couldn’t be broken.

“You were amazing,” Alex whispered in my ear. “Stay strong.”

He released me and turned to address the crowd. I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand and swung my guitar back around, holding it in my hands, ready. Alex explained to the crowd that his voice had decided to give up on him momentarily and when he’d heard me singing, he didn’t want me to stop.

Alex introduced the next song and we launched into it, playing together better than we ever had before. It was like we were all emotionally connected somehow, even though the fights that he’d been going on recently had torn us apart. We were connected for that one moment in time. I didn’t dare to glance back at Rian.

Halfway through our second last song, Damned If I Do Ya (Damned If I Don’t), everything turned to shit. I was head-banging and running around the stage like I always did. I approached the front to stand next to Alex, but my foot caught on something, sending me flying forward.

My leg smashed into the corner of one of the stage blocks and I screamed out in pain as my body continued to fly forward, completely out of my control. It felt like I was moving in slow motion as I sailed towards the hard ground at the front of the stage in front of the barrier holding back the crowds. I landed on my right arm, the front of my head smashing against the concrete. I screamed out in pain, rolling onto my back and clutching my arm to my chest.

The music had already abruptly stopped and some of the fans were screaming out in horror. I looked over to the barrier and saw their arms reaching out for me, the security guys holding them back.

“RIAN!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, tears streaming down my face. “RIAN!”

Alex appeared in my line of vision first. I stared up at the ceiling, pain overtaking me, praying that I would black out. Why hadn’t I blacked out yet? Everything hurt.

“Roxxie, stay awake for me? Okay?” Alex said, crouching down beside me. I stared at his face and wondered what I looked like when I saw the expression on his face. It was twisted in worry, his eyes swelling up with tears. “Roxxie, please stay with me,” he said, taking my left hand in both of his. I looked behind him as I saw Rian launch himself off the stage and run over to me. He crouched over me and held my face in both of his hands.

“Roxxie! Are you okay? Please be okay,” he said, his voice cracking. Tears started streaming down his face as he looked at me. He took off his shirt and scrunched it up, holding it to my forehead.

“Am I bleeding?” I managed to choke out.

“Yes,” Rian said, the tears flowing freely down his face. Alex kept a hold of my hand as the others arrived. Jack started crying when he saw me, sitting beside Alex. Zack appeared too, and hugged Jack, who cried into his shoulder.

There was so much noise. My own sobs, mixed with those of my brother and my best friends. The screams from the crowd. My leg throbbed, as did my right arm and my head. I was pretty sure that my right arm was broken.

The crew members arrived next, Matt already on his phone, calling an ambulance. The other crew members helped the security guys hold back the fans as my friends huddled around me.

“Don’t move her,” Matt said. “The paramedics said she might have spinal injuries.”

“I didn’t fall on my back,” I said.

“Better to be safe than sorry,” Matt said, kneeling down beside Rian. He took off his shirt also, wrapping it tightly around my leg. “You’re gonna be okay,” he said, his brown eyes boring into mine. Matt, Alex and Zack were staying strong for the others. Rian was a mess, as was Jack. I saw a few stray tears trickle down Matt’s face, but he wiped them away quickly.

When the paramedics arrived, they carefully put me on a stretcher and lifted it up to carry me away. All the guys started to follow.

“Stop,” I said, my tears by now run dry. “You’ve got to finish the show for the fans. There’s only one more song and Alex can play my guitar part,” I insisted.

“We can’t do it with you like this,” Alex said, gripping my hand tighter.

“You’ve gotta! For the fans,” I said, my eyes welling up again. They all nodded sombrely and Matt took my hand. “I’ll go with her,” he said. The others headed back for the stage as the paramedics carried me away.

I felt like I was underwater as all the sounds around me started to drift away. My eyes fluttered and I found myself closing them, darkness taking over.

“Roxanne, can you stay awake for us?” one of the paramedics said, lightly holding the side of my face. I could feel myself slipping further and further away. I wanted the darkness to take over.

“Are you family?” I heard the paramedic say. He must have been talking to Matt.

“Yes. I’m her husband,” I heard Matt reply, just as the darkness took over and finally consumed me.