I'm Finding Me Out

Song by song was played as I heard Alex’s voice sing each lyric perfectly. It felt like my brain was in a fight with itself. My feelings for Zack and Alex were fighting at each other – trying to win my true affection. But the problem was – I could not honestly pick just one.

A part of me thought I would always belong to Alex. He was the first true love I’d had – one that I knew loved me the same way I did him. But, the fact that he cheated on me made me wonder if it was ever true at all. But the way he was trying so hard to fight for me was making me question what exactly I felt for him.

Zack on the other hand was so effortless. I loved him like it was natural – like it was meant to be. Which is why I’d said “I love you” so quickly – because I knew I truly did. But those nagging feelings for Alex always seemed to get in the way of what I wanted to feel.

Sirens were roaring loudly from outside of the venue and my thoughts transitioned to that. Dear Maria was playing so I knew everything had to be okay but I wanted to check to be sure. I stood up and walked outside of the venue to see an ambulance was just leaving the back.

I ran up closer to it to see it start moving. I looked desperately to see who was in it. A crying Matt was there, looking down at the body below him. I threw him a questioning look – hoping he would see me. Once he put his head up he mouthed “Roxxie” and the ambulance was gone.

My body went into complete shock as the reality of it hit me in the face. Roxxie was in an ambulance – going to the hospital. What had happened? I hadn’t heard anything other than the usual screams and gasps from the fans after each song.

I ran quickly back into the venue to see the boys rushing around to get stuff picked up. The crew was hurrying to put things away as Zack, Rian, Jack, and Alex all got their coats. Zack grabbed my hand and pulled me out with no words at all and took me to look for the nearest taxi.

We flagged one down and we all climbed in the back. True shock came over me as I realized exactly what was happening. Roxxie was headed to the hospital in an emergency vehicle – and I had no idea why.

Zack put his arm around me and made me lean into him. I put my head on his shoulder and tried to take deep breaths. I wasn’t going to be weak until I absolutely couldn’t take it anymore. Zack rubbed soothing circles in my back as I just enjoyed him holding me in his arms.

A soft sob was heard as I sat up and looked around for who it came from. I realized it was from Rian. His eyes were filled with tears and his usual smile was turned into a frown. My lip began to quiver as I looked at my brother in so much pain.

My strength soon gave out and my lip began to quiver, too. I leaned down and put my face in my hands and began to wretch out loud sobs. It felt like everything in the world was crashing down in that moment. Everything bad that happened between Roxxie and I became a simple blur in that ride to the hospital.

Every happy memory that ever happened between us came to me in those moments. Times when she’d make me dinner when mom couldn’t make it home on time. Or when she would read me stories and sing me to sleep because I had a bad nightmare. Bigger sobs came out as I began to think of things such as this.

We were at the hospital within 10 minutes of getting in the taxi and I was helped out of the vehicle by Rian. I crossed my arms and wiped my eyes before entering the all too familiar place the world called a hospital.

When I was a teenager my grandmother passed away. It was the hardest thing I had ever gone through because of how close we were. Roxxie and Rian would see her on occasion but every single chance I got – I would go and see her. I was there the moment of her death and it was incredibly difficult for me to truly let go of her. So, hospitals were bad enough already.

We walked quickly down the halls – a slow jog through the boring walls of white. Jack spoke once we got to the desk. “We’re looking for a Roxanne Dawson; can you tell us where she is?”

The woman slowly looked through her paperwork as I played with my hands – wanting nothing more than to get up there and see Roxxie. The woman replied with a blank expression on her face. “Room 344, that’s on the third floor.”

I nodded at her appreciatively as we made it in the elevator. I brushed my feet along the white tile as I waited for the elevator to arrive at our destination. It took about 2 minutes though it felt like hours with the tension in the small space.

Everyone was so tense and ready to break that it was crazy. Alex and Zack were both looking at me, hoping that I wouldn’t burst into tears again. Rian had a blank expression on his face – like he had just seen a ghost. Jack’s face was tear stained and more continued to fall as he tried his best to not produce anymore – but he was failing pretty badly. In that moment he looked up at me and gave me a sad smile.

That was the first interaction I’d had with Jack in the entire time we’d been on tour. It just went to show that in time of need – all the shit that had happened could be forgotten, and we could really be there for each other. I forced a smile very softly in his direction as well – not wanting to be rude in any way at a time like this.

The elevator dinged and I ran out. Once I found room 344, I tried to get in but realized it was locked. I began to panic and I jerked the door quickly and fiercely – wanting nothing more than to get into that room to see if Roxxie was okay.

Matt was sitting outside the room in a few chairs that were placed outside. His head was in his hands and I knew that he had been crying. I sat next to him and looked into the room of glass. Where Roxxie should have been was an empty. Instant panic struck me.

“Where is she?” I asked him, my voice cracking.

“She’s in surgery right now,” Matt whispered almost too quietly. “She had injuries that needed to be
tended to immediately.”

“Oh,” I managed to whimper out as tears began once again.

Rian then sat next to me and held my hand tightly. He was trying to stay strong for me – I could tell. But hints of tears were apparent in his eyes still. I stood up for Zack to sit down where I did and then sat on his lap. I curled up into him as he rubbed my back and kissed my forehead.

I heard a loud whimper before I heard running steps down the hall. I looked up just in time to see Jack’s lanky figure run into the nearest bathroom. Zack gave me a worried glance before he gently pushed me off and jogged over to the bathroom to comfort Jack.

Matt got up and began to walk around the corner and Rian went the opposite direction. As they left, Alex scooted into the chair next to me. He grabbed my hand and kissed it gently. I smiled weakly at him before he began to talk.

“It’s going to be okay. I’m sure that she’ll be fine, Adi, she really will,” he began. “You know how strong Roxxie is.”

I nodded before I began to cry softly. He gave me a worried glance before rubbing circles into my hand. He patted his lap – inviting me to sit on it. I gave him a wary look but he just smiled with teary eyes. I shrugged and curled into him.

I placed my head on his chest before sighing and inhaling his scent. I knew that I would never have this open opportunity if Zack was right there but I needed somebody – anybody – to help me right then. Especially since everyone else was gone.

______

It had been a total of four hours of me resting on Alex until the doctor came out. He soon spoke. “The surgery went fine but Roxxie will have to be in the hospital for another day or two for tests. She had a pretty bad fall.” Alex and I both sighed in relief before he smiled. “Are any of you her family?”

“I’m her husband,” Matt said too quickly. We all gave him an odd look before he winked at us.

“I’m her sister,” I spoke up.

“And I’m her twin brother,” Rian sat up in his seat.

“The husband may go and see her now,” he told me. “I’m going to my next patient but feel free to go and see her, all of you family.”

Matt went in there and talked to her for a good 15 minutes before Rian went in. He was in there for about 30 minutes. I could hear the cries but didn’t want to look up because I wanted to be ready to talk to Roxxie with no tearful beginnings.

I smiled and wiped my eyes to get rid of the tears. I took a deep breath as I tried to think of something to say to her. The last time we had spoken was the blow up fight yesterday and I knew I was probably the last person she wanted to see.

Alex stood up and looked around the room – making sure that Jack, Matt, and Zack were no longer in sight. Then he looked into my brown eyes. I could tell that he was contemplating something as he looked at me. I gave him an odd look before he pecked me on the lips quickly. I leant back in surprise a bit before blushing and going into the room.

I looked out the window once more to see that he was looking at me with sad eyes. He then sat down and began to rub his forehead with a frustrated look on his face. I turned around to see Roxxie looking at me with a small smile on her face. “Hey, Adi.”

I began to tear up at the sound of her weak voice. “Hey, Roxxie. How are you holding up?”

“Not too well, but I’m okay,” she chuckled slightly before grabbing her stomach in pain.

I instantly inched closer to her in fear that she might have hurt herself. I sighed in relief when she let go and began to smile her famous smile once again. “Roxxie?”

“Yes?” She turned her attention back to me.

I ran up to her and gave her a huge hug – trying my best to not crush her. “I’m so, so sorry.”