I'm Finding Me Out

Jack’s POV

“What do you mean, you’re in love with me?” Alex screamed across the room. He was obviously in panic mode. His hands were shaking and his eyes were wide. I’d freaked him out. It was the reaction I had been expecting. “Are you fucking with me right now?” Alex slurred, getting up from his spot on the couch. He stumbled over to where I slumped on the ground and looked down at me. Nothing was more terrifying to me in that moment than the look in his brown eyes. I was out of line and out of words. I had no idea what I was doing anymore. Everything was a mess. I’d fucked up the whole entire tour. It was all my fault.

But I’d been immature, as expected. I’d ignored the problems and ruined relationships and started fights because I simply couldn’t make my mind up. How was I supposed to know that I would fall in love with multiple members of my own fucking band? You could love more than one person at the same time, right?

And I was sure that I loved Roxxie. But Alex…he was different. I didn’t fall for him quickly, as I had done with Roxxie. When we first met, we were immediately best friends. And then we’d started the band and things really took off and we practiced our music all the time and wrote songs together and just hung out at every chance we got. It wasn’t until the end of high school that I started feeling things for him that I shouldn’t have. When our band got signed, it had been a distraction that I happily welcomed. Anything to get my mind off Alex. I had told myself that I didn’t like him like that and instead focused on the band. But Alex was always there.

Everything built up over the next few years, I guess, but I still wasn’t ready to admit it. I just couldn’t fathom the idea that I might be…gay. It seemed impossible to me. I liked boobies! But whenever Alex was around, it was like nobody else was there. Like we were the only two people in the entire world. It was then that I knew: I was in love with my best friend.

But he was with Addison! It would never work out between us. He liked girls, as Roxxie had pointed out at the party that had changed everything. That night at the party, with Alex already drunk and obviously so far gone, I took a chance. I saw the open opportunity. Nothing would ever happen between Alex and I if he were sober. I took my chance and ran with it. Call it an experiment, if you like, because that’s what it was, more than anything else. I guess I was in denial. Maybe if I kissed Alex and it was weird, it meant I didn’t love him and that I wasn’t gay.

But when my lips met his, it was like my heart exploded. He set my world on fire and everything was new and exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I was in love with him. That moment only proved it. That moment had changed everything. It was like my entire world had been turned upside down, twisted and bent out of shape. Nothing would be the same.

“Jack Bassam Barakat!” Roxxie’s loud voice broke me out of my reverie, dragging me back to the present. I sniffled and tore my eyes from Alex to Roxxie, who was stumbling towards me now, too, Matt following cautiously behind her. I swallowed nervously as she got closer, and squeezed my eyes shut, in an attempt to block it all out. I wanted to scream and cry, but I just couldn’t. Now more than ever was my chance to let it all out. Tell them everything. There was no going back now.

“You love Alex now? Make your fucking mind up!” Roxxie screamed. Her eyes sliced through me like knives, her cold gaze fixed on me as her words hung in the air. “I’m sorry!” I blubbered, more tears cascading down my face. I didn’t know what else to say. “You tell me you love me and then you kiss me and now you’re saying you love Alex? What the fuck, man?” Roxxie continued, sounding almost sober. I gulped and looked back over at Alex, who had cocked his head to the side and was looking at me, confused.

“I do love you, Roxxie! I do! But Alex is different. I fell so quickly for you, but I don’t know if it’s real or not. Maybe you were just a distraction from Alex and that’s all.” I said this honestly, and with a clear and mature voice that I did not recognize as my own. Things were changing quickly.

“What do you mean, just a distraction?” Roxxie said. I looked down at my feet and took in a deep breath before telling them everything from the start. How I’d loved Alex since high school, how I’d taken an opportunity, how he’d set my world on fire, and how I’d desperately asked Roxxie to help me to cover it up. How things with Roxxie had changed and at some point it wasn’t just pretend. How everything that had happened and all the fucked relationships and fights on this tour had all started with me.

After I had finished, it was like everyone on board the bus took in a collective gasp. It was then that the screaming started. Roxxie lunged for me, her hands grabbing for my neck. “You little fuck!” She screamed. “You’re a liar!” She sounded almost jealous. Matt looked devastated. He grabbed Roxxie around the waist and pulled her back before leading her out of the room and far away from me. Alex was back on the couch now, staring straight ahead with a blank look on his face. Addison stared at me like I was from an alien planet.

“I don’t know you anymore,” Alex said coldly. “You’re not the same.” I stared at him, feeling my heart shattering within my chest. “Alex,” Addison said softly. “Don’t do this. He loves you.” Alex turned to look at her. “How do you know?” They were talking like I wasn’t even there. “Because the way he described the way he felt about you is exactly how I feel.” Tears started flowing down Alex’s face as the two kissed each other passionately. I knew they’d be back together within the week. They were made for each other.

I sighed in defeat and left the room, feeling all eyes in the room on my back. I shut the door to the back lounge behind me and collapsed on the couch, bringing Zack’s acoustic guitar into my lap. I strummed a few chords for a while until a riff emerged and then, strangely, I was singing.

You’re just a daydream away,
I wouldn’t know what to say if I had you.
And I’ll keep you a daydream away.
Just watch from a safe place,
So I never have to lose.

But I had lost. And I was broken. And it felt like no one in the world wanted me. And so I opened the bus window and jumped out, running down the road. To nowhere in particular. And I found myself in a dimly lit bar, staring at the bartender as he poured me a drink. I was building up my walls now. I would never fall in love again. It hurt too much and nothing good ever came from it and someone always ended up hurt. And my heart was too broken and burnt and cut and screwed to ever work again properly. But as I brought the cold glass to my lips, someone sat down next to me. And then she was staring at me curiously, before she held out her hand.

And her name was Kelly.