I'm Finding Me Out

The moment I woke up, I regretted opening my eyes. I didn’t want to be on the damn tour bus. My ex boyfriend and the person he cheated were both on the bus. Talk about awkward! I’d let my pride get in the way, and I knew this tour was going to be hard. I was just honestly done with it already, and we’d hardly even started the tour.

“Adi!” Roxxie yelled from the front room, “Let’s watch some Glee!”

My mood instantly picked up. Glee was my favourite show in the entire world. It was a good idea on Roxxie’s part, because it usually boosted her mood, too. She probably thought I’d hadn’t noticed something was going on with her, but I knew there was something. Yes, she was still her happy, crazy self, but there was something underneath all that that just wasn’t quite right. Something was wrong. And I was going to find out what.
Now, I sprang out of my bunk and ran to the front room, where the familiar theme song began to play.

“Watch the ‘funk’ episode! That’s the one where Finn and Puck have to get a job,” I smiled.

“Ah, I just knew this would cheer you up,” Roxxie smiled, finding the episode with the remote.

About thirty minutes into the show, the complaining began.

“This is so terrible,” Rian complained. “Can we please change it?”

“No!” Roxxie and I both yelled at the same time.

“This is cheesy teenage girl stuff,” Matt whined. “How can you be falling for this?”

“The characters are unbelievably attractive. It’s a good idea, the episodes are amazing, and they have gorgeous voices” I gushed.

“It’s probably not even them singing,” Jack scoffed.

I paused the show, “These people are specifically cast because of their amazing singing talent. If they didn’t have that, they wouldn’t be considered for the show. They have concerts, listen to them live, and then re-think what you just said.”

There was silence for a moment, before Zack spoke up.

He laughed, “Damn, she told you.”

“Oh, shut up,” Jack said sarcastically.

“Well, I’m still not watching it,” Alex chimed in. I flinched slightly at the sound of his voice. There was no doubt that I still had feelings for him. But, I couldn’t just go back to him after all that had happened. That’s wasn’t fair to me at all, no matter how selfish that sounded.

“I think you should. I bet you’d all like it” Roxxie replied.

“Fine, we’ll watch it. But, if I’m not entertained in one episode, I’m leaving. And you have to turn it off” Rian reluctantly gave in.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, boys” I giggled.

______

“What’s the next one?” Rian asked, his eyes set intently on the screen.

“Just go to disc two since we’ve seen all of disc one now” Matt said, sitting next to Roxxie.

“Hurry!” Zack pushed, as he sat next to me. I could tell that whenever a break from episode to episode was made, Alex stared intently at me. It was slightly creepy, but I could see the affection in his eyes. I tried not to stare back at him. I wasn’t going to be the one to break. I could live without him if I tried hard enough. I’d had a life before him, after all. Forgetting Alex would not be easy at the very least.

“No, I think I’m going to turn it off now” Roxxie teased.

“No!” All the boys cried at once, as Roxxie and I went into a fit of laughter.

“And you guys thought you’d hate it” I stated. “So what’s that word? It starts with ‘W’?”
“Were you guys wr...wr...wrong?” Roxxie teased.

“Yeah” they groaned in unison.

“Ah, don’t you love this Adi?” Roxxie questioned.

“Oh, yes I do” I smirked.

“Alright, next one in, now!” Jack urged.

“Sorry kids, I’m going to bed” Roxxie yawned. “We’ll watch more tomorrow. Unless, Adi, you staying up?”

“No, I’m exhausted,” I admitted. “Sorry guys. We can watch more tomorrow for sure though.”

“If you’re tired, I get that. Go on to bed girls,” Alex smiled, mostly at me more than Roxxie.

I then went into the back room, where Roxxie and I changed together. The boys got changed in the other rooms to avoid awkwardness.

After we said our goodnights, I scooted myself into the bunk across from Roxxie’s. Though I was hoping to get right to sleep, my thoughts consumed me. Of course my mind wandered to many thoughts of Alex. I missed him always wanting to touch me, to hold me, to just want to be with me.

I pushed the thoughts of Alex from my mind and instead filled it with Glee. I closed my eyes and let the songs from Glee play in my head and slowly drift me off to sleep.

______

“Rian? Roxxie?“ I say their names, hoping they will answer me. In this dark room, it is impossible to see anything.

“They’re not here,” a haunting voice breaks through the darkness.

“Who are you?” I ask with a shaky voice.

“Not anybody you’ll need to know. Just someone who went out of their way to help you” the masculine voice lets out a menacing laugh.

“What did you do?” I look around frantically for my siblings.

“Oh nothing” the voice replies. I hear footsteps walking away. Suddenly, lights come on and brighten the entire room. I look around the small white room. It feels like a cell. That’s when I see them. Rian and Roxxie slumped against the far wall. Very much bloody and dead.

My eyes flew open and I sat straight up in my bunk. My head slammed against the top and I cursed, my hands flying to my head. I rubbed the sore spot and told myself that big girls didn’t cry. It was only a dream. It was only a dream I kept telling myself. I slowly slid out of my bunk and made my way to the small kitchen area to wash my face and get something to drink. My legs felt like jelly as I took shaky steps out to the kitchen. I was covered in sweat and so afraid. I had no idea why I’d been having so many bad dreams lately. Each was different in its own way, but they all ended the same. People I loved would die. The dreams had become frequent, but they still affected me in the same way. Nightmares like mine were something you never really got used to.

Once I got to the kitchen, I splashed my face with water. I was awake and my siblings were alive. I had to believe that. I wouldn’t let the dreams get to me. I looked at myself in the small mirror standing up on the bench. A scared little girl stared back at me. I quickly looked away and busied myself finding a glass.

As I poured water into my glass I thought I heard something. I dismissed it as someone moving in their bunk and took a sip of water.

“What are you doing up?” a voice whispered. I jumped and started choking on my water from fright.

“Dude, calm down! It’s just me!” Alex said. I took another sip of water and placed my glass down on the bench.

“You scared the bejesus out of me!” I snapped.

“Sorry” Alex said.

“Shit” I muttered under my breath.

“Why are you all sweaty?” he asked, looking me up and down.

“Nightmare” I said.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not with you” I snapped. I instantly regretted the harshness in my tone.

He was silent for what seemed like a long time. I had no desire to talk to him and I leant against the bench. Alex crossed and uncrossed his arms awkwardly. He always did that when he was nervous.

“Adi, we need to talk,” he suddenly blurted out, breaking the silence.

“I really don’t think we do” I replied.

I was trying to be strong. I was doing everything Rian and Roxxie had told me to. Rian had told me that if Alex ever tried to talk to me and apologize that I should just act like Roxxie. Roxxie had been offended, but Rian was right. Roxxie’s stand-offish attitude would work. Hopefully.

“Come on, Adi. How can you not see that I love you? I was drunk that night. I didn’t know what I was doing. It meant nothing to me! Absolutely nothing! I don’t even remember anything from that night! I probably thought it was you!” he pleaded with me. Roxxie had said he’d do this.

“Lex,” I said. I could feel my guard coming down. “Please don’t do this”

“I love you!” he pleaded.

“Back off, lover-boy” Roxxie’s voice warned. I spun around and saw her standing in the doorway.

“Roxxie, don’t – “ I started, but she cut me off.

“Hey! Don’t let him fuck you up. Go back to bed. This is just too much for both of you to handle”

“I’m fine” I reassured her.

“Don’t lie to me, Addison” she warned. I scurried past her into the bunk area. I shut the door behind me and put my ear to the door.

“Alex, you know you’re one of my best friends, but you’re killing her! Just stay away from her. If you hurt her again. I’ll forget we’re friends and I’ll punch your fucking face in” Roxxie snarled. Her voice was not at all muffled by the door. She was yelling at the top of her lungs. I flinched when she swore at him. Roxxie only ever swore when she was flaming mad.

I retreated back to my bunk and slid in, pulling the covers up over my head. My thoughts drifted to what Roxxie had said before she started yelling. She’d said I couldn’t handle it. That everything was just too much.

I was going to prove her wrong.