I'm Finding Me Out

Addison’s POV

After giving the last shirt to the excited teenage girl, I closed up the booth. The show had ended about an hour ago - but the fans were just now filing out completely. I decided to go and see what the rest of the gang was doing. So, I made my way over to the backstage area, where I found all six of them chilling out.

I was immediately surprised to see that Roxxie and Jack were sitting next to each other. They were both smiling widely and laughing loudly. I knew that Jack could be hilarious - but didn’t Roxxie know that her hanging out with Jack would bother me? I mean - Jack was the reason that Alex and I had broken up.

Jack and I hadn’t even spoken a word to each other since the incident. We would nod at each other for good luck when he went on stage, but that was it. In some ways I actually missed the kid, but not enough to be his friend again. I had been so hurt after what had happened and I still wasn’t ready to let him in again.
I’d noticed that Roxxie and Jack had been hanging out a lot lately, but this was the first time that I felt myself reacting to it. I felt nauseous and strangely abandoned. Was Roxxie giving up on me?

Since Roxxie was with Jack, I decided to go sit by Rian. Then I realized that he was sitting by Alex. Were both of my siblings going against me? It was just bullshit, why were they doing this to me?

“Sit here, Adi,” Zack patted the seat next to him with a smile.

I happily sat down next to Zack; he was such a nice guy. I was starting to think that he was the only one I could trust. Lately we had been talking a lot. He wasn’t much of a drinker, and I wasn’t legal. So, we would stay on the bus and hang out while the rest of them went out. Sometimes he took me to dinner or for smoothies or something. He was really a nice guy.

“Adi!” Roxxie called from her seat on the couch across from me. “Come sit with me! I haven’t talked to you like all day.”

“I don’t think that’s the best idea,” I admitted. Going over there would only cause unwanted awkwardness.

“Why not?” she asked curiously. She apparently didn’t understand what I was trying to get across.

“Because Roxxie, just please let it go,” I blushed. “We can talk later, back on the bus.”

“Why not now?” she pouted.

“Roxxie, can we talk privately please,” I stood up, and walked out of the door.

She soon followed and closed the door behind her. “What’s up?”

“Why are you doing this to me?” I blurted.

“Doing what?” she questioned. But her face soon changed as she realized what I meant. “Oh jeez, I’m so sorry, Adi.”

I smiled warmly. “It’s okay. I didn’t think you would purposely do that to me.”

“Of course not.” she smiled back.

“Um, Roxxie,” I paused. “Why were you talking with him, anyway?”

“Well, he is my friend. I mean, I’ve known him since I was fourteen years old, Adi.” she stated plainly.

“But he’s the one who got Alex to cheat on me,” I sighed. “I thought you were trying to avoid him for my sake.”

“Adi,” she hesitated. “I do want you to feel better. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. But I can’t just stop being friends with Jack or Alex. They’re in the band, too. We can’t just hate on each other all the time. I understand that you may want to avoid them, but I just can’t do that, Adi. This is my job and I have to work with these people. They’re my friends.”

“Well, why not?” I said, my voice rising as the anger bubbled inside of me.

“Like I said, these people have been my friends for a long time – “ she started, but I cut her off.

“So you’re going to ditch me for them. Is that what you’re saying?” My voice cracked as the hurt cut through.

“Not at all! I love you as my little sister, but I love them as my friends, too”

“But it was his fault! Jack ruined everything!” I yelled. I didn’t care if the others heard me now.
“It wasn’t, Adi! He was drunk, too! He didn’t know what he was doing!” Roxxie pleaded.

“So now you’re defending him?! You’re supposed to me here for me!”

“I am, Adi! Please, calm down!”

“I won’t! I don’t think you realise what you’ve done” I said, staring her straight in the eyes.

She was silent.

“Well, can’t you at least try to knock some sense into him?! All I want is an apology from him, and he doesn’t even have the balls to look me in the eye!”

“Who are you talking about?” Roxxie said, confused.

“Jack!” I yelled angrily.

“Hey, calm down,” she insisted. “He’s upset about this, too. He doesn’t want you to yell at him, that’s why he hasn’t talked to you!”

“Well maybe he should get the guts to say that to me himself,” I added with a huff.

“Maybe if you weren’t so standoffish to him, he would! You haven’t even made an effort to talk to him. I understand why you haven’t spoken to Alex. But there is no point in ruining your relationship with Jack,” she reasoned with me.

Just as I was about to scream another nasty comment at Roxxie, Rian came through the doors. “Hey, what the hell is going on?!”

“Adi is over-reacting about everything!” Roxxie huffed.

I rolled my eyes. “And Roxxie isn’t being a good sister. It’s like sleeping with the enemy, Roxxie!”

“What the hell, Adi?!” she screamed louder this time. “I was just talking to him!”

Just as I was about to pounce on her, Rian put his body between ours. “Stop you two! Do you understand what you’re doing? You two are sisters. We’re a family!”

“You know what? I don’t care anymore. I’m over this” Roxxie said, turning to leave.

“Then I don’t care about you, either” I retorted. Roxxie stopped dead in her tracks.

“Just leave, Roxxie. It’s what you always do when things get hard! You just run away from everything! You’re just as bad as him!” I yelled.

“Hey!” Rian protested, placing his hands on my shoulders. I shrugged him off.

“Just leave me alone, Rian” I said.

“Give your sister a chance,” he said.

“You can’t tell me what to do! You’re just as bad as her!” I screamed.

“Don’t me so immature” he said.

Tears stung in my eyes as I began to speak again. “I’m done with you two. Both of you! You’re both betraying me. You both don’t care about me. It’s always about you two all the time. And I’m sick of it!”

I looked to where Roxxie had stopped in the hallway and just caught a glimpse of her long, blonde hair as she disappeared around the corner. She’d run away. Just like she always did.

I ran off to get away from there. I couldn’t handle this tour anymore, I wanted to leave. I wanted things to go back to how they used to be. Where Roxxie, Rian, and I were best friends. When Alex and I were perfectly happy with each other. And when Jack and I could actually look at each other.

Once I found a grassy spot that was furthest away from the rest of them, I sat down. It really was a beautiful night. The stars glistened in the sky, which made my mood pick up slightly, but not enough. I let the tears fall freely from my face as I laid down on the moist grass.

“Hey,” a male’s voice spoke and I instantly sat up from the startle.

I turned around to see it was Alex. “Oh, hey.”

He sat down right next to me. “I heard everything that happened.”

“Oh, really? That’s just great,” I said bitterly. “It’s probably a great feeling to know you have officially fucked up my entire life.”

“Adi, you know I didn’t do that on purpose. That night was a stupid mistake I don’t even remember. Why can’t you realize that I never would’ve done that sober. I’m in love with you; I have been for a long time now. I know you may hate me, but I want to change that.”

He suddenly crushed his lips to mine. I stayed frozen. I refused to respond. But his lips were so warm and familiar...

I quickly snapped out of it and pushed him off of me. He stared back at me surprised, with a hopeful look in his eyes. I glared back at him, then, with as much force as I could muster up, I slapped him hard, right across the face.

“What the hell are you doing?! We’re not together- and we never will be again!” I yelled before storming off. I didn’t dare look at Alex’s face for his reaction. I knew that I might change my mind if I did.

Now it seemed like I wasn’t talking to anybody that actually mattered to me. I’d pushed my siblings away. Alex was further away than ever. The tour was only getting worse and worse as the days went by. I was letting my emotions control me and it seemed like I was losing my grip on everything. An All Time Low lyric seemed ridiculously accurate for that point in my life.

Come one, come all, you’re just in time to witness my first breakdown.

The only problem was, I didn’t think anybody would even bother to come.