I'm Finding Me Out

Roxxie’s POV

I’d done it.

I’d run away again.

And maybe it was stupid. Maybe things could’ve been different if I’d stayed. People always thought that I was strong. That I could handle anything.

But not this.

Addison was forcing me to choose between her and the guys. Technically, my choice came down to a career or family. What would I choose? I knew what the answer would be to the question that had been bouncing around in my head. There was no doubt about it. Family always came first. But that was what was so great about being in a band with my twin brother and having my little sister as part of the crew. I got the best of both worlds. Now, I was losing my little sister and I couldn’t help but feel fully responsible for everything that had happened, including what had happened with Alex.

I could’ve stopped him from drinking that night. I could’ve done something. Everything had happened because I’d been so wrapped up in myself that I didn’t bother to look out for my friends. Addison hated me, and the truth was, I was starting to hate me, too.

I ran.

Through the hallways, out onto the stage, up the stairs, into the empty seats of the huge venue. Through the rows, down to the front of the top platform, to the waist-high wall. I felt like the worst person in the world. I’d run away, and now I was hiding.

I slumped against the waist-high wall and sat down. I hoped that no one would find me. I needed time to think. I slung my acoustic guitar across my lap. I’d grabbed it from the side of the stage in my rush to get away. Playing it was the only thing that kept me sane.

My fingers plucked at the strings as I picked out a slow melody. A chorus came together before I even knew what I was doing. I’d never really sung much in front of the guys. I didn’t even know if I was any good. But I sang right then. In front of all those empty seats in the huge venue.

And she won’t ever stay
She’ll just take the easy way
She’s not one to play
She’s always the runaway

It felt strange singing about myself in third person. But I knew that if I just admitted to being the runaway, I’d feel even worse than I already did. This wasn’t the first time that I’d run away at such a crucial moment. A moment when, if I stayed, things could have been different. If I’d stayed in that hallway and tried to talk things out with Addison, where would that have got me? Would it just make things worse? I didn’t know, and so I’d disappeared.

“Just leave, Roxxie. It’s what you always do when things get hard! You just run away from everything! You’re just as bad as him!”

Addison’s words echoed in my head. They found their way right into my heart like a frozen splinter of ice. The ice spread throughout my body until I felt numb. I felt so emotionally drained and tired. I just wanted to curl up into a ball in a dark corner and die.

“Roxxie?” I heard a small voice call out. I stopped singing mid-sentence and listened out for footsteps.

“Roxxie?” the voice repeated, closer this time. I ignored it. I just wanted to be left alone in my current state of not liking myself.

“Roxxie,” the voice said. This time, it wasn’t a question. I turned my head to the left, in the direction where the voice had come from, and I saw Matt appear in the aisle at the front row of seats. He made his way over to me and sat down next to me in silence.

“Hi,” I said lamely. I looked back down at the guitar in my hands. After a few moments of silence, I spoke up.

“She’s right, you know,” I said. When Matt was silent, I continued.

“About me running away. I’m a coward, Matt,” I said.

“No, you’re not” he replied instantly, almost like a reflex.

“Yes, I am. I ran away, didn’t I?”

“Because there was nothing left to say,” Matt said.

“You don’t have to make excuses for me,” I said, looking up into his brown eyes.

“You’re not a coward, Roxxie. You’re one of the strongest people I know. If anybody else was in the position you’re in now, they would have broken down a long time ago, believe me,” Matt said, his brown eyes boring into my blue ones. And something about the way he spoke made me believe him.

“Jasey Rae,” I reminded him.

“What about her?”

“I ran away from her,” I admitted, dropping my gaze to my guitar again. Matt was silent.

“I promised her. Best friends forever. I told her that I’d never leave her, that if things went well and we made it, I’d take her with me. She was like my sister. And then, everything happened so fast and I just left without saying goodbye,” I said in a rush. “Coward, through and through”.

“You can’t tell me that you truly believe that about yourself,” Matt whispered.

I responded by playing the opening chords for ’Jasey Rae’. I sang the song through without a hitch, until I reached the bridge. I started to choke on the words as tears filled my eyes. I tried furiously to blink them back, because Roxxie Dawson never cried. Roxxie Dawson was tough.

“Call me a name, kill me with words, forget about me it’s what I deserve. I was your chance to get out of this town, but I ditched the car and left you to wait outside, I hope the air will serve to remind you that my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath, and my words are as timed as the beating in my chest”.

I sang, and then it was over, and I felt even worse than I had before. And I looked at Matt and he stared right back at me. And I couldn’t think of anything to say. And then he said, “I didn’t know you could sing”. And then I laughed a real sort of laugh and it felt as though maybe things could work out. And even if he wasn’t some hot-shot psychologist, he’d known exactly what to say, even if it wasn’t much.

“Thanks,” I said. Matt put his arm around my shoulders and I rested my head on his chest.

“Roxxie Dawson is not a coward,” he said.

“But I run away,” I whispered.

“But you wouldn’t run away from me,” he said.

“How do you know?”

“Because, when I found you up here, you could’ve just up and left. There’s plenty of exit points from here. You could’ve run away from me without any trouble at all,” Matt said.

“But I didn’t,” I said.

And right then, I wondered if he knew that I was in love with him, or if he was just being a good friend. There were always times when I thought that he did know, and I got hopeful because I thought that maybe I had a chance, but then doubt would take over and I’d be left in an awful place where I felt as though I was completely lost in my thoughts with no way to resurface.

“Why do you think I run away sometimes?” I asked him after a few minutes of silence.

“Because maybe you think that if you leave, someone will wish you’d stayed,” Matt contemplated.

I had nothing to say, because what he’d said was completely true. I wanted people to care if I ran away. I wanted someone to run after me, like they did in the movies. I wanted to see them running up the road as I banged on the back window of the car in desperation.

Not just someone, I realised. Matt.



When we got back to the bus, Rian and Zack were the only ones around. They both gave me huge hugs and told me that things would get better. Even though I didn’t believe them, I hugged them back. I wondered briefly where Alex and Jack were and became worried about them. What if Jack had done something stupid?

Matt sat down on the couch in the main living area of the bus and pulled me down next to him, switching on the television to watch the football game. Half an hour later, Adi walked in and went straight to her bunk. Alex came in a few minutes after her with a reddened face and sat down on the couch.

“Don’t ask,” he said, shaking his head.

Jack finally showed up and looked at me frantically. He mouthed for me to get off the bus.

“I’ll be back in a sec,” I said, following Jack out the door.

“What’s up?” I said casually. Jack’s eyes were wide and he looked completely freaked out.

“I think Alex knows, you know...” Jack hinted.

“What!?”

“Well, he told me that he kissed Addison – “

“He what?!” I cut him off.

“He kissed Addison and she slapped him and I told him that Addison was a waste of his time and that she was just screwing with him and that they probably wouldn’t get back together and then he got mad at me. He started yelling and then I started to get really upset and then he asked me jokingly did I like him or something and then I denied it but I could tell that he didn’t really believe me so then I ran away all freaked out and now I’m telling you all about it,” Jack said in a rush. It was a lot to take in.

“Holy shit, Jack,” I said. It was the only thing I could think of to say.

“I know,” he said, looking down at his feet.

“Roxxie?” he whispered.

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?” Jack said quietly.

“Sure”

“You have to promise that you’ll answer truthfully and that you won’t laugh”

“I promise,” I reassured him. Jack kicked at the ground and looked down at his feet. He mumbled something, but I couldn’t hear him properly.

“What did you say, Jack? Look at me,” I said.

He slowly lifted his head to look me in the eyes. His mouth opened and he spoke slowly and clearly, his eyes full of hope.

“Will you be my girlfriend?”