Change

“Brendon, I want to show you something.”

“Huh?”

I took his arm and pulled him up to my room.

“What do you want to show me?”

His face was full of confusion, so I pulled out a thick, black leather notebook.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“A little hobby of mine,” I said as I handed it to him. His hands shook ever so slightly as he opened it. I watched his eyes scan each page, reading each word as a tear fell on his cheek.

“It’s beautiful,” he whispered. His hands gently closed the book, and he handed it back over to me.

“No, you keep it.”

He looked as if it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. He began to cry and cry and cry. I reached over and held him, wiping from his cheeks with a kiss. My lips reached his and we began kissing with immense passion and love. I pushed him up against the wall as we progressed. My mind infatuated with Brendon. I wanted him to be mine and mine forever.

He slowly pushed back, forcing us onto the bed. Desire was raging through our bodies. As Brendon came up for air, my mouth traveled to his neck, forcing him to lightly moan. I knew he wanted me, and I wanted him. My hands tugged on his t-shirt and slowly pulled it off of his torso, revealing his pale, bare skin. I was infatuated with the beautiful sight my eyes had spotted.

Eventually all of our clothes were off as we grew restless. He kissed me all over as I leaned over and fumbled through the drawer of the nightstand for some lotion. I didn’t care if he was in me or if I was in him. I just wanted him.

The second I found that lotion and lifted it up, Brendon immediately stopped. I could sense his fear through his eyes. They were cold and afraid.

“Brendon… it’s okay…” I said, feeling the worst rejection imaginable. I put the lotion away, kissed him on the cheek, and whispered in his ear, “I’ll wait for you.”

I could almost feel the relief radiating off of him when I said those last words, but I was ashamed. He wasn’t ready, but I was. He was afraid, and I wasn’t. I didn’t want to wait. My body felt a real physical need for him, and he couldn’t fulfill it, yet. Pain washed over my mind. I grabbed my clothes off the floor and hurriedly dressed myself.

“Sorry,” he said, but I was already walking out of the room.

-Brendon’s POV-

I watched Ryan leave me, alone and naked in his room. I immediately regretted showing him my fear. It’s not that I didn’t want him, I just… I felt like I wouldn’t be good enough. My inexperience caused me to tense up, and without thinking I just completely rejected him.

This time, the tears were sadness. I didn’t move for what felt like hours, but I soon got up and put my clothes on. Poor Ryan, I thought. Why was I so stupid? I sullenly walked out and followed him, only to see he wasn’t here.

“Ryan?” I called out. No answer. “Fuck.” I just collapsed on the living room sofa, feeling like complete shit. Why do I ruin everything? And today was going so well, too. I felt someone tap my shoulder.

“Are you okay, dude?”

“Ryan?” Thank God. “Ryan, I’m so sorry, I don’t know wha-”

He shut me up with his lips, but just as quickly let go and sighed.

“I don’t to push you into anything you don’t wanna do.”

“But… I do want it.”

His face curled in confusion and he asked me, “Then… why did you stop?”

“I’m afraid.”

Ryan sat down next to me and laced his fingers with mine. His head was rested upon my shoulder, and we just sat there. We didn’t need words right now. We just needed each other. “I can wait,” was all he said. I felt a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth as I pulled him in closer, wrapping my arm around his waist.