Drinking

Alexis’s dead and I’m standing outside with my family drinking a beer. Waiting and smoking and drinking. Once in a while tears will spill over but you can’t see them in the dark.

The liquid fills my veins until it makes me feel like my blood is slowing.

Everything I see or feel seems filtered somehow. Everything’s blurred and seems unreal, like I’m watching it on TV instead of being here.

Sixteen a weird age to be this fucked up; smoking, cutting, piercing, starving, and drinking.

Maybe I’m not fucked up though, maybe I’m normal. Funny thought but its true… other kids got more problems and deal with them in more fucked up ways than me.

Drinking is normal, right? I have to believe that to justify my actions.

We are all waiting for Azeline, once she gets here, I don’t know, nothing will change, nothing will get better, and no one will come back; but we are still waiting for her.

Sighing I take another sip of my Budweiser, what an odd name for beer.

The liquid flavors bitter in taste but sweet in release. Does that even make sense? It sounded better in my head, a lot sounds better in my head right now.

I’m a mess.

The only fact going through my brain at the moment is Alexis is dead.

She left Rudy after 11 years with a 7 year old daughter.

Seven, who losses their mom at seven?

I bet God’s just sitting there laughing his ass off at this sick fucked up joke he just made of their lives.

Fucking asshole… Yeah I said it, weren’t you all thinking it?

A car pulls up, or maybe it’s a truck; like it matters, the headlights are too blinding to tell.

“It’s Azeline,” someone states and I’m the first inside after Rudy. Someone is hugging him outside while I stare at Azeline who seems lost. She is searching for someone, anyone to hold, looking up at me she moves toward me before clinging to my black hoodie.

“My mommy’s gone,” she cries onto my clothing and I pull her closer leaning down to reach her height.

“I know,” my voice breaks as I rub her back trying to comfort her. All the other girls walk in and she goes to them as they start to cry.

I sigh taking a seat watching the scene.

“My life’s ruined!” Azeline sobs and that’s the line; the line that broke me, it’s been replaying in my head all day, it’ll haunt my nightmares.

“No it’s not!” Everyone states while they start to cry harder.

Sobs shake my whole body as well as everyone else’s. I could feel my heart break in two as I watch them all through tear filled eyes.

After a moment I can’t stand to hear her sob anymore. I walked out right when Rudy grabs her and starts to rock her back and forth on the couch crying with her.

Reaching the car I grab a beer and love the sound it makes as the can bursts open, it’s a sound of relief.

That’s a lie, I think deep down; truthfully it’s just a numbing medication.

I’m just pushing the pain away for a day or two; washing away memories and unreached dreams; erasing unwanted thoughts and wishes.

Fuck it, anything to keep it away for another day.

Another day of God’s sick broad game called life.