London Calling

Anxiety.

Anxiety.

Anxiety has got the best of me.

Anxiety.

Anxiety, woah oh!

I have to say I liked Colchester. The architecture was cool, the people were pleasant, and Graham Coxon was born here.

What's not to like?

I pushed my hair out of my face and grinned out at the crowd. Sir Molehill was very happily received in this town, and I was very pleased, even if I hadn't written it.

“So I'm gonna take it you guys like Sir Molehill?”

“Ali, for the love of God, that's not the name of the song.”

“Stop being a whiny bitch, Chris. Take your praise and leave it.”

Chris just slammed his guitar into a harsh whine in response.

“Very mature,” Rowan deadpanned.

Chris stuck out his tongue.

“So, we're gonna do a new one I thought up a couple days before tour started, is that okay?”

The crowd roared. Only five days in the UK and they loved us without question. Did I feel special?

Fuck yes I did.

“Okay, so, there's this really cool part that I personally love that I would find it super cool if you guys sang along with it, okay?”

Approval from all sides.

“All engines are a go, then. So I'm going to say 'ONE, TWO, THREE' and you guys are going to sing 'save yourself before it's too late.' Got it? Let's practice. ONE. TWO. THREE.”

SAVE YOURSELF BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

“Oooh, yeah, nice, nice. Alright guys, let's go.”

Rowan pulsed out the bass line, heavy and haunting, as Chris slammed down his own chords. Levi tapped out the two measures I needed before breathing in and singing out.

The Fallen cry out in the night, craving that divine light. Honestly, it's like the only voice you hear is your own. Demons lost in the storm.

Chris hit his note and let it hang.

“Ready? One...two...three.”

“SAVE YOURSELF BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!”

I shuddered and grinned like a maniac. That had just been an experiment to see if people would actually do it. I had no idea they would actually go along with my insane ideas. Dislodging the mic from its stand and holding it at arm's length, I bent over.

Crawling in the dust like worms after the rain, finding your way home.

I let go of the stand as I slowly righted myself, bringing my face to the ceiling.

Why do you have to play these games? We're not dogs waiting to be tamed.

I snapped my gaze to the first member of the crowd I could and spread my grin wide.

We're wolves on the prowl.

Chris' voice ripped out over the crowd.

“SAVE YOURSELF.”

The crowd went fucking crazy as the guitar ripped into a solo that I wasn't expecting but happily went along with. I always knew that it was missing that something, and I think I just found it. I sang out the chorus and picked up the bridge.

You gave up so long ago.

Rowan's hushed “Save yourself” gave me the shivers.

Who knows what that did to your soul.

“Save yourself.”

They'll have you long before you know.

“SAVE YOURSELF.”

The whole thing came grinding to a halt and I stood stock still for a moment while the crowd was hushed into silence, waiting for what was expected to be the rest of the song. Instead I slumped forward with a laugh.

“I haven't written the ending yet, and that's all we have for tonight. Have fun with Adam After Eve, we'll see you after the show!”

I waited the five seconds it took for Chris to hand off his guitar before monkeying my way onto his back and passing out high fives to the others in usual post-show fashion. Levi rushed ahead of us, making a bee line for Simon. Only five days and those two are attached at the hip. Their bro-mance is ridiculous for two guys who are four years apart in age, honestly. They never go anywhere without each other, and if they have to they are constantly texting. And they both act like they're five half the time, so it's a match made in heaven if I've ever seen one. They even have this after show secret hand shake that is too complicated for any of us to even try to copy, besides the part where they ruffle each other's hair. Not that Simon has much to ruffle, as his hair is barely long enough to hide his scalp.

Chris threw me down on an open spot on the couch and I held my hands out for the tea that Rowan was handing me. Sometimes it's nice to be the youngest in the band. And the only girl. This is me, living the good life. Or whatever.

“Oi, Ahlison.”

“Yes, Drew?” I hid my surprise at his saying anything to me with a sip of tea. It seemed to me that he only talked to James, and even that was on the rare occasion when he opened his mouth to do anything other than the screams in Adam After Eve songs. His accent was almost as thick as James', but yet more understandable.

“Yeh really wrote tha' out there?”

“Yeah?”

“Ihs good.”

“Thanks.”

And that was the end of that conversation. I shot a glance to Mike who gave me a double thumbs up. Apparently this was a good thing. I'll take it.

Adam After Eve took the stage and screams tore through the semi-quiet of the break room. I growled out a line of curses that would gain a grounding of such an immense size from my mother that I saved them for times when I was really could not contain myself. Chris gave me a look that obviously read Jesus shit, calm the fuck down, Ali, and Rowan quickly made sure his phone was out of ear shot so my mother wouldn't over hear the words that her daughter was letting slip past her lips. Levi just sat, amazed, at the door way with the members of the opening band and gossiped about our life on the road.

I got up and left the boys to their own devices to hang out with the merch guys. They welcomed me like an old friend, even if I had only spoken to them in short, polite sentences. I finally learned their names, and I felt like I was earning points with the underground of the concert world. There was Sam, Evvie, Joel, Isaiah, and Thoa. And man, Thoa. I wasn't gay, and I didn't drink, but man if I ever got drunk I would have such a Katy Perry moment with that chick. She was Irish, absolutely beautiful, and when she introduced herself her accent negated the h in her name so she said, “'Ello, name's Toa, and if yeh ask me about Luckeh Charms, I swear I will burry yeh.”

Plus she hated James Alexander as much as I did. Instant best friends.

I talked, laughed, and shared food with my new merchie friends until the show was over, and even after that I helped out by selling some shirts before hanging out with the fans. I was actually a bit sad to leave them, Isaiah and Evvie were so hilarious and of course Thoa couldn't get more perfect if her parents were Collin Firth and Scarlet Johanson and her biological extended family included Robin Williams, Cathrine Tate, David Tennant, and Julie Andrews. Sam was a bit of a downer, but he was still kinda cool when he wasn't talking about how he hated his job. Whatever.

The night flew by and we were sleeping in the van again, ready to have a day off. Sure we had only played a few shows, but I never got to catch up on my sleep because of the idiots who I shared a van with (who apparently didn't need rest) and I was jet lagged so hard. It was a wonder I had even survived this long, especially with all this stress of hating James. I fell asleep as soon as I flopped into the van, and no one messed with me until morning. Which was when Chris started whining about going to the zoo.

“Come ooooon, I looked it up and everything! It's in Essex, it's not that far! Please please please please please!”

Rowan was trying to talk Chris down from this idea as I pulled on my jeans and loose T-shirt for the day and slipped out from the bus into the summer sun.

“Don't even try, Ro, he won't shut up about it until we do it.”

“See! Ali gets it! Animals!”

“I'm not drunk enough for this,” Rowan mumbled, the usual response to one of Chris' ridiculous demands. Yet he spent all of these sorts of excursions completely sober, and enjoyed them a lot.

So we got geared up for Chris' zoo adventure and Matt agreed to drive us, mostly because it was his job and also because Rowan hadn't gotten the hang of this drive on the left side of the road thing just yet. We had a slight explosion from Rowan about the cost of the zoo ($27.17 per person), but eventually we were ready to go.

And right as we were starting up the van, this dude with a camera walked up and flagged us down before we could leave. Of course craziness like this always happens.

“Yeah?” Rowan said, rolling down his window.

“'Lo, I'm micky. Here for your Kerrang! interview?”

Rowan hit his face so hard on the dashboard we almost had an airbag incident.

“That way today? Shit, sorry everyone. No ridiculously expensive zoo trip.”

“BUT YOU PROMISED YOU WHORE,” Chris screamed, “I HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE ZOO IN SO LONG AND YOU FUCKING PROMISED.”

I had get into the middle of this fight as our manager was about to kill our guitarist.

“CHRIS I NEVER PROMISED ANYTHING-”

“YOU PROMISED ME ANIMALS YOU WHORE-”

“CHRIS, ROWAN, STOP IT YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS-”

“I ALREADY SCHEDULED AN INTERVIEW IT GOES OVER ANY LAST MINUTE ZOO PLANS-”

“YOU PROMISED ME LIONS-”

“I DID NO SUCH THING-”

“AND TIGERS-”

“GUYS-”

“AND BEARS-”

I wasn't sure but I might've heard Micky mutter “oh my” under his breath, obviously taken aback by this childish outburst.

“ROWAN CASTROVA YOU WILL STOP STRANGLING CHRIS THIS INSTANT DO YOU KNOW HOW UNPROFESSIONAL THIS IS RIGHT NOW-”

“FUCK OFF YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.”

We practically forgot about Micky until Matt opened Rowan's car door and dragged him flailing from the van to avoid any fatalities or blood stains. I had to restrain Chris from getting out of the van, and Levi dived over us to block the open door so that there was no way of escape. Micky raised his hand in the most timid way I have ever seen a grown man raise his hand.

“Yes, man with the camera,” I almost screamed, still more focused on holding on to Chris than anything else. I only prayed that James wasn't watching this.

“I have an idea.”

“Then state it before I lose grip!”

“Well, I was thinking since I have my camera and my recorder, I could just interview you on the way to and at the zoo? I have my press pass, I can get in free, and this way we don't have to go to the studio for any ridiculous photo shoot.”

Chris stopped struggling and Rowan stopped trying to get away from Matt to continue strangling Chris. They looked at each other and nodded.

“This is an acceptable compromise,” Rowan said in his most professional voice, straightening his shirt, “Let's go.”

So that's how Matt got out of driving us to the zoo, because he never wanted to go in the first place. Micky asked us the usual questions of influences for the band, what life on the road was like, how we managed to live in a van together for long tours. They were kinda simple questions, and we gave the answers that were natural for us. Influences were a mix of Green Day, Arctic Monkeys, and Say Anything. Life on the road was practically all we knew, and we just lived together. We were used to it. We took showers in the rain and and ate dry Ramen until we were sick and drank diet Coke to stay awake when we needed to.

We arrived at the zoo and Chris practically leaped over Levi to get out of the van. We all took our own sweet time to get out, mostly just so we could watch Chris do his stupid little antsy dance. We followed his obnoxious hop-skip to the ticket counter and paid for our tickets and he shot off as soon as we were all in the gate.

If it wasn't obvious by now, Chris was into animals in a big way. He cooed over every damn thing he could find. Apes, kangaroos, elephants, but never reptiles that weren't turtles because they scared him. We actually lost him at one point and found him ten minutes later with his face pressed to the glass of the tiger cage, mumbling words of endearment like a crazy cat lady to the jungle cat closest to him.

“Well aren't you the most precious killer out there? Aren't you? Aw, yeah, rub the glass with your face you cute kitty.”

We had to pull him away from that and force him to hold Levi's hand so he didn't run off again. Of course that didn't actually work.

“GUYS, DUCKS.”

Chris sprinted towards the pond, Levi's hand still clasped in his iron grip.

“Quack! QUACK! Guys, look at these ducks! Quack!”

“Chris, calm down-”

“Someone get me some bread, I have to feed these ducks! Quack quack!”

“He almost had an epileptic fit of pure joy when the ducks started quacking back at him.

“Guys-Guys they understand me! Quack quack quack quack quack quack!”

“Band vote: who wants to leave duck boy here and run?”

Rowan raised his hand.

I raised my hand.

Levi looked desperately between us and Chris' hand. “Guys, no, I can't! He won't let me go!”

We all glanced at each other.

“Band vote: sacrifice Levs and run?”

Rowan and I raised our hands yet again. Even Micky raised his hand slightly, smiling apologetically at Levi.

“Sorry, mate.”

“You're not even in the band!”

We ran for it.

I made the mistake of looking back. Levi had the most abandoned look on his face, like a puppy left behind in the rain. It made me pause, even want to turn back, but Rowan grabbed my hand and forced me to keep going. Levi would be find with the Duck Whisperer.

We didn't stop until we got to the giraffe enclosure. I doubled over, gasping for breath because I was laughing so hard. I hadn't been to the zoo in forever. I had never had this much fun at the zoo, and if I did it was like a dream of days way before the band was a thought for any of us.

“Hey, so, d'yeh want to sit down and maybe have a chat about your singles while we've got a calm moment?”

I shrugged and sat down on the nearest bench, still a bit short of breath. Rowan sat next to me as Micky pulled out his tape recorder and started recording.

“So, who wrote the newest single, Nine-One-One?”

“That would be our sacrifice to the Duck Whisperer,” Rowan laughed.

“Alright. Would either of you know exactly what it's about?”

“Um, drug addiction,” I said in the most obvious tone of voice I had, “It's sorta Levi's thing. He was big into the stuff, actually. We're not exactly sure about what part of his addiction time line it is though, you'd have to ask Levi.”

“Alright, cool,” he gnawed on his lip just a tiny bit, “What about the other one? Vanity.”

Rowan gave me a look that obviously asked if it was okay for me to talk about it. I sighed and nervously twisted a lock of hair around my finger. I knew I'd have to talk about Vanity at one point, even if it hurt beyond capable expression.

“It's no real secret that my dad died in a car crash. If it was intended to be, it's the worst kept secret ever. Hiding the death of a lieutenant was especially hard in our suburb. It was the headline of the newsletter that everyone got.”

“So, it's about your dad's death-”

“It's about the crash itself. I experienced it first hand. I was in the passenger's seat. The other driver was busy messing with her make up in her rearview and she ran a light. I woke up in the hospital two days later from a blow to the head with a scar on the back of my neck and no father, and she walked away with no injuries at all. Sure she got time for involuntary manslaughter with a motor vehicle due to inattentive driving, but what is that compared to a dead father and crippling guilt?”

I hadn't meant for the guilt part to slip out, but it did. Rowan tried to take my hand but I refused to look at him.

“Alison, you didn't-”

“Just shut up, Rowan.”

I was saved from awkward silence by Chris happily walking up with a destroyed looking drummer still trapped by the buddy system.

“We saw the tortoises and the lemurs and the rhinos and now we found you!”

Micky stopped recording and I met Chris' gaze. His grin turned into his special brand of slightly concerned frown and he finally let go of Levi's hand.

“Ali, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I'm fine,” I said, lightly running my fingers over the long scar on the base of my skull, “Let's go see some otters.”