London Calling

Trying to find Thoa made doing my actual job so much harder. I was so distracted by looking for her that I was ten minutes late to sound check, forgot words to songs I'd been singing for years, and I couldn't get rid of that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that kept telling me that Thoa hated me. All I wanted to do was make things right, but the show was getting in the way. Or my feelings were getting in the way of the show. I couldn't tell what was more important anymore. Plus I could just feel James' eyes on me, judging me for how off key I was and reveling in how I was falling apart. Whenever I looked in his direction he was just staring at me, and I hated it.

As soon as it was over I went in search of Thoa. I looked in all the places she would possibly hang out, and then I even took a walk around the block in a poor attempt to find her in the crowd. Flashing my pass and ducking back inside the building, I went to make another pass before Chris blocked my path.

“What is wrong with you,” he asked, “doors open in five minutes.”

“I have to find Thoa.”

“You don't have time now, we have to go backstage.”

“But I have to find Thoa!”

He took hold of my chin and looked me in the eye, concerned and just a bit annoyed. “Look, I'm getting the feeling that whatever she's upset about, it has to do with you, yeah?”

I knew I couldn't speak without starting to cry again, so I just nodded my head.

“Okay, that sucks. I know that sucks. But you don't have time to find her now. We have to be backstage, the show is starting in an hour. I'm sure she'll forgive you for not finding her right at this instant. We have to go.”

I let him lead me backstage, taking our usual seats on the couch that was much nicer than I expected it to be. Then again it was Leadmill, even if I had only known what that meant for forty minutes. I must've looked really down at that point because Levi actually dislodged himself from Simon and sat down with me and Chris. Absentmindedly my fingers found his hair and trailed over his scalp, something that I hadn't done since he was passed out in a hospital bed. It was familiar and calming, and Levs didn't make a move to stop me. I was worried and I was tired. This moment of normal-abnormality is what I needed to keep my mind from totally short circuiting.

In a blink the opening band was playing. They were called Blinded by Mascara, and they were pretty good. I mildly hoped they would make it at some point. They reminded me of us, back when we were a shiny new toy trying to make it. In another blink we were on stage. I recognized my own voice, and the feeling of pushing air past my vocal chords to make sound, and I felt myself moving around stage, but I was a million miles away. I was planning. Barely recognizing the roar of the crowd, I was off without the post-show piggy back and high fives. I poured myself tea and was gone into the wild of the night without looking back.

Clutching my mug with both hands, I was on a mission. Swooping into a sandwich shop, I bought one of everything. The woman taking my order kept giving me strange looks. I wasn't sure if it was because I was well known or if it was because of my post-show mess of hair and outfit plus the mug of tea in my hand. I didn't really care, I was on a mission. Even if it almost did wipe out the balance on my card. Whatever, I was on a mission. Carrying the large bag of sandwiches back I sort of hated myself for buying all of the sandwiches because fucking hell that was heavy.

Kicking open the venue doors, I made my way to the merch tables. Armed with sandwiches and my steel resolve, I was ready for anything.

I thought.

Thoa wasn't there. And everyone looked at me like I was the most horrid person on the planet. Well, everyone but Joel and Evvie. Joel was taking pictures of Adam After Eve as they performed, and, well, I didn't know what Evvie did when she wasn't around, but she wasn't there. I had Isaiah and Sam to deal with, which was intimidating. Timidly, I placed the bag of sandwiches on the table.

“I bring a peace offering?” I wasn't sure what else to call it, it was what it was.

“Wonderful,” Sam drawled, bored as usual but still aiming a lot of annoyance in my direction.

“Thank you,” Isaiah said curtly, opening the bag and shuffling through and examining the different boxes.

“Um, could I, maybe, talk to Thoa? Please?”

“No, but thank you for the sandwiches.”

Isaiah's cool dismissal shattered my “steel resolve.” I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there. And they sat there and divided up sandwiches. They just ignored me. And I couldn't let that happen. But while I knew that, I still just stood there watching them. I had to get up the courage to say something, but that pit in my stomach kept gnawing away at my organs, telling me that Thoa hated me. Thoa didn't want to see me. I had ruined everything. Then a flash of pink signaled Evvie's arrival.

“'Lo, what's this-Oh. It's you.”

“Hi Evvie.”

She gave me along hard look and I shrunk under her gaze. I already felt horrible, why did she have to treat me like this?

“Wha' d'you want?”

“I wanted to tell Thoa I'm sorry,” it took everything I had not to put “ma'am” at the end of my sentence.

“She doesn' want to talk to you.”

“I know, but if you could just tell her-”

“Look,” she snapped, “What you did to 'er wasn't okay. Thoa's been hurt before, but this is insane. She hasn' stopped crying for an hour. That's your fault. She really liked yeh.”

“I get that,” I said, trying to keep my own cool and not cry in front of these guys, “And I'm sorry. I didn't know. I was ignorant to her feelings and she shocked me so badly I didn't know what to do. I could've handled it better, but I didn't. She feels horrible and I feel horrible and if she doesn't want to see me, fine. But at least tell her I'm sorry.”

And I left before any of them could tear me down any more. I didn't really know where I was going, which would explain how I got lost. Surrounded by walls I didn't recognize, I ended up throwing my empty mug out of frustration. It shattered as it hit the floor, and I stood there hating myself. I hadn't fixed anything. So much for my plan. I was so determined not to cry that the sobs were now choking me as I tried to take calm breaths. I could hear footsteps and I was so terrified that it was James or Thoa or someone who I didn't want to see me like this that I actually held my breath to try and hold them back. But it was Levi.

“Hey, Ali, the show's over, we're gonna leave for Manchester soon,” he paused when he saw my face, and worry seeped into his eyes, “Are you okay?”

I couldn't speak without it being incomprehensible, so I collapsed into his arms. Letting the tears come, I sobbed into his T-shirt, my arms wrapped around his waist as if he was the only person left on the planet. He didn't know what was going on, and I doubt he knew how to deal with this. Chris was my shoulder to cry on, not Ro, not Levs. But Levs was who I had, and I took it. Eventually he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, giving me the full shelter that I needed. I hadn't noticed it, but Levi was so much taller than I was now. Almost as tall as Chris. And he stood there and held me as I fell apart and slowly put myself back together. When I was done crying he gave me his sunglasses so the fans wouldn't know I'd been crying, and we went back to the van.

I couldn't wait to get to our hotel in Manchester. Today had been exhausting, I just wanted to get a nice night's sleep before any other major events that would happen in my life next. I was done with Sheffield. In the hour it took to get to Manchester, I leaned on Chris' shoulder, but I held Levi's hand. I sent him slow squeezes, thank yous for being there for me. He sent them back, but he seemed even more tired than I was. When we got to the hotel, the both of us made a bee line to our rooms and collapsed.