Tragedy

Almost everything was white, just like in any other hospitals you go, and it didn’t help me feel any better at all. My feet dragged me to where we thought the emergency section was and it never occurred to me or Jon that the phone call was apparently six to seven hours ago already, and that they may not be in the emergency section anymore. What happened during those six to seven hours, I had no idea. We went all the way here knowing nothing. This was the worst feeling in the world.

I didn’t notice when Jon started using my phone. I even forgot he had it. When he hung up his pace quickened and my heart dropped when I saw familiar faces crowded in the end of the white corridor. They all looked up and a few of them smiled. Those smiles that told you they were thankful you came. It made me feel warm and better, but this wasn’t for long.

“Jon and Ryan, hey,” I heard one of Spencer’s sisters’ voice. “You have to go up another floor, and then turn right.” She gestured her arms on the empty staircase immediately right beside us. We didn’t even have the time to ask anyone what happened, and it didn’t look like anyone felt like talking at the moment.

I felt an empty pit in my stomach; the silence was dreadful. Earlier all I could hear from them were noises, and now they wouldn’t talk. I thought this only happened in movies, I guess I was wrong.

We almost skipped the whole staircase silently and saw Spencer immediately. He was sitting alone, clasping his hands which rested on his lap. He didn’t notice us approach until I sat beside him and held him under my arm.

“Spence,” I whispered and he looked up. He seemed okay except for a few cuts and bruises. Jon remained standing in front of us.

“Hey,” he replied, a slightly shocked expression in his face. We stared at each other for a while and I could say he had no idea we were coming.

“What happened?” I said, breaking the silence which was bothering me but seemed to not bother Jon or Spencer.

“It was a car accident, Ry—” he managed to answer, and turned to look at Jon. Jon quickly shifted his stare away from Spencer to the wall behind me and Spence. I guess things were still not settled between them.

“How are you? How’s everyone?” Jon asked suddenly in a soft voice.
Spencer had locked stares with Jon for a while before attempting to answer. He took his time and we let him.

I bit my lip and felt my eyes sting. I fucking knew what was coming, and as much as I didn’t want Spencer to go through having to say it out loud, I and Jon had to know, even if I didn’t want to.

“Everyone’s okay. I’m okay—

Brendon’s not.”

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JUNE 2009

I stared at my own reflection in that piece of gold, thinking whether I was ready enough to turn it and face him, who hadn’t talked to me since this morning. I took a deep breath and thought it might make it easier if I knocked first.

“Brendon?” I called, raising my hand to knock, and when I heard no reply, I counted to three and knocked twice. I was about to knock again after a few seconds of silence when I heard him telling me to come in.

I reached for the knob, covering my reflection on that piece of gold, and opened the door as silently as I could. The room was dark and only the light from the dining room allowed me to see him sitting on his bed, pushing buttons on his sidekick. He didn’t even raise his head or looked at me to acknowledge my presence.

“Brendon, is there something wrong?” I asked and managed to make him acknowledge my presence.

He stared at me for a while like he was angry, like he was about to raise his voice on me, but he didn’t. “Why? Is there something wrong, Ryan?” He asked stiffly, without raising his voice.

His expression told me he didn’t want to talk to me; I felt like he didn’t even want to be here.

“I don’t know, I couldn’t think of any—” I said, but he interrupted.

“Then there isn’t any,” he said, looking back on his sidekick, acting like nothing’s happened, but definitely acting like there was something wrong.

“What the fuck Brendon,” I burst without thinking twice. “I’m sorry,” I appologized as soon as his attention was back on me. “I just thought there was something wrong and I wanted to know.”

I climbed up his bed, crawled near to him, and sat still.

We caught each others’ stares for a while before his expression became softer. “Of course there’s something wrong Ryan, because if there wasn’t anything wrong, you and Jon wouldn’t be leaving. If there wasn’t anything wrong, Ryan, you wouldn’t leave me.”

Then I saw something I never thought I’d see before. There was just enough light for me to see tears flowing from Brendon’s bright brown eyes.