Tragedy

Summer 2010

“Ry! Are you there? Ryan?!”

The phone call woke me just as I was falling into a deep slumber. I sat there, wearing only my green pants and no shirt on, holding my phone steadily on my ear. I recognized his voice immediately and yes, I was there. And I knew Brendon knew I was there. But I had to make sure. It seemed noisy on the other line, like the caller was on a party, or a gig.

What was I supposed to say? Hi? Who’s this?

I would offend him. Whenever we call each other we knew each other’s voices and never had to ask. If I asked it would seem something has changed.

But things really have changed.

At times like this I wished I had bought myself an answering machine or something. Without thinking, I hung up. I didn’t know why. I shouldn’t have. But I did anyway. Was it because he seemed happy and I didn’t want to hear it? Was I really that selfish? Or was it because I felt awful not being there with him?

I hadn’t talked to him since the first two weeks after Jon and I left them. It seemed like forever. My phone started ringing again and I turned it off.

I’m sorry Brendon. I thought. Fuck. Why make things harder?

---

Present time

“You in for more? You gotta try this,” The girl who sat beside me slid me a glass half-filled with clear liquid. I waved my hand and mouthed, ‘No.’ At times like this I didn’t feel like being polite.

I didn’t know how exactly I ended up here. Drinking in a bar while my bestfriend was in a coma? I got to be the worst friend ever. The worst best friend ever. How ironic. That was how my whole life had been. An irony.

All I know was that I went out to look for Jon but somehow I ended up here. Drinking my ass out in a bar full of dancing maniacs.

I felt my consciousness slipping with every gulp of burning liquid. That was when I remembered what I was here for. I needed a place to stay in for the night. I could sleep in the car but alone in the middle of a place I was unfamiliar with? Dude, no.

I’d no idea how sleeping alone in an inn in the middle of a place I was unfamiliar with was any different from the first option though. It just sounded more decent, less hopeless. Because everything seemed hopeless, and this was the only thing I could prevent from being hopeless.

I’d just enough money for an inn, but not enough faith to help the only people I ever have.

--

Switch to Jon’s POV

I returned to the hospital parking lot a little past midnight. I couldn’t go back to the hospital. Never. After I’d walked out heartlessly from them a while ago? No. That wasn’t what they needed. I bet my whole life no one even bothered to follow me. Not even the kindest and most considerate friend I ever had, Ryan. Because what I did was just the worst thing I could’ve done at the moment.

But I had to do it. I had to do it before my emotions started spilling in front of them like fuck. I didn’t know how else I would hide it. What? I’d say I’ll go to the toilet after we heard the bad news and come back with eyes redder than Mars?

So I ran. I jogged. Like I didn’t care. That was why people thought I never cared. Because what the fuck was the use of showing how much I care if it wouldn’t help dammit.

Would crying in front of them wake Brendon up, make him smile, and tell everyone he’s okay?

No. Because nothing I could do would make him okay and it fucking sucked.

They think they were the only ones hurting from what happened. Well I was hurting too. But would it do them good to know that? No. Because knowing how hard it was for everyone else sure as hell couldn’t help me at all.

When people said if you were hurting together it would hurt less? Shit, no. Or at least in our case no.

There was no way this was gonna hurt less.

Ryan had the duplicate of my keys but there was no sign of him inside the car. I was actually confident he’d think of spending the night here because it was the only thing we had. Maybe they’d offered him a place to stay. At least he would be safe.

I slipped into the backseat and laid on my back, my arms resting beneath my head, letting my mind go blank.

--
Switch to Spencer’s POV

I’d been standing here for—I checked—two hours and forty five minutes now. I could’ve gone looking for them, knowing they didn’t know any place where to stay. But I thought they’d come back for us… or even for just B-den. But no.

It wasn’t as if I was expecting them to. But if ever they did I’d just want to be here to tell them they’d moved Brendon to a different room, so they wouldn’t freak out if they didn’t find him in the room he was in earlier and so they wouldn’t have a hard time looking.

Was it wrong I didn’t follow? Or maybe they needed time alone. They needed to go away for a while. Time for themselves, like they did back when they left us. But back then they never returned. Would they return now?

I let out a deep sigh. If I turn my back now from this door it means I’d given up on them, even just on the idea of them returning for the night.

I’d never given up on them before. Neither had Brendon. But have they given up on us easily? Have they given up on Brendon already tonight?

I shook my head and tried to remember how Jon and Ryan took the effort to drive all the way here the very moment they told them what happened.

At least they still cared, didn’t they?