The Ugly Duckling

When morning rehearsal ended the entire studio let out a sigh of release. After returning from Sarah Belle's rejection, my mother was bitter as ever. She had been working us harder than we could've ever imagined and her biting comments found the ears of every girl in the studio, if possible her cruelty towards me increased. Before releasing us for our short break before afternoon solo block she held us in the room for an announcement. "Girls, the American Ballet Theater is looking for young unseen dancers to perform in a production of the Ugly Duckling. This is not a company position, however if you are chosen and perform well a contract is not out of the question. I will be taking a handful of you to the audition. Rose. Lila. Nicole. Sarah Belle. Anastasiya, see me after release. You are dismissed." Each of the girls knew better than to celebrate in front of my mother and quickly exited the studio room.

I couldn't tell if I was going to be taken to the audition or if she wanted a word with me in private before the younger girls spilled in. If this was an audition it would finally be my chance to gain feedback from those who didn't set the world on my shoulders, those who could just watch me dance. I felt the excitement grow inside of me though the logical part of me scolded myself. I was not going to go to this audition because I was not good enough and that was that. She probably wanted to tell me when the audition was so I'd know when I was going to be alone.

My mother looked down at me, though only inches taller, she made me feel incredibly small. Like a child under a magnifying glass. Her lips pursed before she spoke, "I know about the boy." My heart jumped, ready to burst out of my skin. Mason had been bringing his sister to afternoon rehearsal and picking her up before evening rehearsal. I passed him in the hallway and we would talk for a brief moment before I went to practice my solo variations. There was nothing to know. "If you are to join me at this audition you will not speak to him. You are dismissed."

With my mother, there was no room to argue. She had all the cards and I had nothing. Did I really want to go to my first big audition for an actual role? Yes. Was my mother willing to hold this over my head to get me far away from any boy? Yes. The realization hit me hard in the stomach as I turned to walk to the door. My mother did not believe I was talented enough to be chosen for any role, instead she would take me to this audition to get me away from a boy. As I pulled open the door to walk into the hallway she called out to me, "Anastasiya," I looked over my shoulder willing the red blotches on my face away along with the tears welling up behind my eyes. "Your pirouettes are sloppy."I entered the hallway where the younger girls were waiting not so patiently to enter the studio. We hadn't done any pirouettes this morning.

Some of the mothers waited around to chat with each other, some had already left, but Mason was waiting at the end of the hallway to speak to me. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets and he was slouched over. If I tried to talk with him today I would surely cry and I was better than that. Much better than that and I wanted this audition. He looked up to meet my eyes as I grew nearer. I clenched my fists and looked away as I walked past. "Annie?" His voice was so gentle and already sounded so hurt but I kept walking. Squeezing my fits harder with every step I took away from him. After all, he was just some boy, one who could ruin my career if I let that happen. Dancing had been my whole life, Mason had been the past few weeks.

I turned the corner and walked into the bathroom, my pointe shoes clicking on the cool tiles. I looked at myself in the mirror. After an exhausting rehearsal some of my hair had freed itself from my bun and gotten stuck to my face with sweat. My face was red and blotchy from dealing with my mother. My skin was almost disgustingly pale and my chest flat as ever. I was not worth Mason's time and he was not worth mine. I was saving us both with my decision. I turned on the faucet and splashed cool water to my face. The blotches left and I finally felt calm enough to join the other four girls for our audition work.

When I entered the room Rose ran up to me catching me in a strong embrace, "Ana, our first audition together. This is so exciting," she pulled away, holding me at arms length and studied my face. "Are you not excited?"

"I'm fine," I gave a halfhearted smile and walked up to the instructor. "Do you think we could incorporate a lot of pirouettes?"



That evening my mother did not accompany me home, she had to stay back and file the paperwork for the dancers she was bringing to the audition. She would be a while, having to pull each of our entire medical history's in order for us to be eligible.

I walked with Rose out of the studio ready to part ways with her, "Ana, there is something different about you today."

I shrugged my shoulders, an attempt to end the conversation.

"No. You have been different. You are my friend and we should talk."

I did not want to talk about the audition, what my mother had said and I especially did not want to talk about giving up Mason. "Maybe we can talk in the morning, I'm tired."

"No. I have seen you tired. We can talk now."

For a gentle European doll, Rose was being more demanding than I'd ever seen her before. "Can we at least talk where it's warm?" She looped her arm through mine and pulled me in the direction of the coffee shop. I dug my heels into the ground and refused to walk. "Not in there. We are not having this conversation in there."

"Then we can talk right here." I could feel the cold on my nose, and really did want to be inside where it was warm. It was like an immovable object versus an unstoppable force, eventually one of us would cave. I frowned and relaxed, letting her pull me away from the front stoop of the studio and towards the coffee shop where her unofficial boyfriend was probably working.

She pushed through the door looking immediately towards the counter. Ryan was not there, probably in the back room but I felt her sink even just a little. She had been spending every free moment visiting him, always returning to rehearsal with flushed cheeks and a heart stopping smile. She pulled me towards a small table in the back of the room, far away from the front window and almost completely out of view of the front counter.

"What has been going on with you?"

"Nothing, I've just been tired. Diana has us working like dogs." I didn't want to say that I had wanted to see Mason again outside of the studio, away from his studio and not in pink tights and pointe shoes. I didn't want to say that I had chosen this audition over him with incredible speed and that it was making me feel ill.

"Anastasiya Vorobyov, you are not tired in the slightest. I saw you dance this morning. I've seen you dance for the past few weeks." I pulled my legs to my chest and rested my chin on my knees. "Anastasiya, do not do this to me. I am your best friend." Rose's voice changed from stern parent to hurt friend and I could feel my insides crack. I always withheld how my mother made me feel while she had been an open book, I wanted to keep it this way. I was suppose to be strong and beautiful and graceful. I was never suppose to be hurting.

"I am going to the audition."

"Are you not happy?"

"I am very happy."

"Then why frown? Why did you not dance this afternoon like you have for weeks?"

"She gave me an ultimatum." I hated the words as soon as I spoke them. Every moment I wasn't focusing on auditioning, every moment I was focusing on Mason my stomach was knotting itself. I needed to dance, to relieve the stress that was building.

"Yes?"

"Audition or Mason." It felt so wrong saying it out loud, letting the words hang in the air. Mason had nothing to do with my ability to audition. He had not gotten into my head and convinced me I loved something else more than dancing. We were barely friends. This felt like I was cutting off the bud to a flower. Killing something before it even had the chance to live. Rose stood from her chair and leaned across the table to awkwardly wrap me in her arms.

"I am so sorry, I know you liked him." My face flushed and my ears grew hot.

"I didn't like him Rose. He was just a friend of a friends boyfriend." She sat back into her chair and crossed her arms.

"No he was not." She frowned, making her beautiful face twist in all the wrong ways. "You should've seen yourself dance these past few weeks."

"My dancing has nothing to do with him. He's just some stranger."

"You know he is not. He made you smile, all day long." She uncrossed her arms and stopped frowning, "Have you told him?"

I shook my head, "I haven't spoken with him."

"Ana, you owe him an explanation." The bell on the front door rang and the door swung open, letting in a blast of cold air and a dejected looking Mason, hands still tucked deep into his pockets.

"I owe him nothing." I dropped my legs to the floor and wrapped my scarf around my neck.

"Then I will tell him." Mason caught my glance and began walking over. I pulled on my gloves.

"Be my guest." I stood and walked past him, making sure I did not run into him or a nearby table, making sure not to catch his gaze again. I hastily exited the shop and walked home.