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Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)
Maybe the Doctor Was Right
"I'm sorry for intruding," Emma said, shaking our hands once more. "Woman's intuition, you know? Sometimes we can just tell."
"Have a good time in New York," I said as she walked across the backyard.
Tommy and I stayed at the door, watching her move across the backyard. I guess it's just we found a comfortable position against the doorframe and didn't want to move. Tommy's arms had fully enveloped me, keeping me warm against the could even though we were rolling into the summer. There was still a few cold days left in the weather before we got the warm heat. I was already slightly tanned, from what I knew, but I was never the one to sit out beside the pool with a bikini on and a magazine.
"I never knew half that stuff about you," Tommy said after a while.
"You never asked," I said, feeling his cheek against mine as I began to let my eyes drift off to the stars.
"Does Adam know any of this?" Tommy asked.
"A little, I think," I said. "Reading the article, if she uses any of what I said to her at the start, will be nothing he doesn't already know."
"And you didn't care to tell me?" Tommy said, hearing the hurt in his voice as I turned around in his embrace to face him, my hands resting upon his chest.
"If it mattered that much to you, yeah, I would have told you," I retorted. "I just didn't want to go through those experiences again. It was bad enough going back to them with her."
"But at least it would have been to me," Tommy replied, catching my eye and holding it. "I wouldn't have been judgmental. If I am going to be with you for the rest of my life, I need to know about your history and who you are. I need to know who I'm bringing into my family."
My breath caught in my throat.
"What are you saying?" I asked, nerves jangling throughout my body.
"Did you not hear me last night?" Tommy said, his eyes wavering slightly. "I said I love you. Earlier, I said that I would be with you forever, that you were now my life."
"I thought you were just saying that to get the doctor off our back," I said. "I didn't expect you to be with me the entire way through the pregnancy. Your kindness has truly touched me, Tommy, but I didn't exactly believe that you to be with me forever. I thought you might want to abandon me. I don't want you to be drawn down by me because I am pregnant and won't have a man there to protect me. I can do it on my own, I can protect myself."
I could tell with the fury in his eyes that he was really close to trying to slap some sense in to me. I knew I could live a life without a man in it, looking after the child that Adam had given me whether it would be out of love or lust. I had a stable job and a house that I could raise a child in. I would learn how to cook more than the basic things that I knew how to but what I didn't know was how to raise the child in the early years. Breast feeding, changing a nappy, all of that.
It would be good to have a mother who could teach me things like that instead of going to the hospital or something like that to learn these things. I was private about my body and didn't want random women to be guiding me along the way and gawking at the smallness of my body. I was one of those girls in high school that would be looked down on for my small arse, breasts, even shoe size. They even ridiculed me for my average body size, for being bigger than they were.
From Tommy's expression and what he had said, I knew that he was offering me something that I wasn't sure I could accept. I liked him, but I wasn't sure if I loved him. I had never experienced love before so I didn't really know what I was looking for. I like being around him, I liked how he held me and how every time we touched, I knew it was out of love and not out of hatred or hurt.
I wondered how he managed to love me in such a short period of time. We shouldn't have known each other more than a month at that. I had lost track of time since so many things had been happening. I had fallen in and out of what I thought was love with Adam and now I had a man in front of me that was extending a proposal my way to be with me forever more. I was flattered, honoured, but I wasn't sure if it was the right decision.
"What are you thinking?" Tommy said, his eyes searching me.
"Of too much," I said, bringing me back to reality. "I'm reading into too much of what you said."
"What are you thinking?" Tommy said, his hands taking my face and holding it close.
"That you're making a proposal to me," I replied, trying to keep my voice strong.
"What kind of proposal?" he asked, one of his hands disappearing into his pocket to get something unknown.
My breath caught in my throat again.
"A proposal of marriage," I said. "But you don't have a father of mine to ask. His almost a day's trip if you want to visit him."
"I don't need your father to ask," Tommy said, pulling the unknown object from his pocket. "You are all the confirmation I need."
"Have a good time in New York," I said as she walked across the backyard.
Tommy and I stayed at the door, watching her move across the backyard. I guess it's just we found a comfortable position against the doorframe and didn't want to move. Tommy's arms had fully enveloped me, keeping me warm against the could even though we were rolling into the summer. There was still a few cold days left in the weather before we got the warm heat. I was already slightly tanned, from what I knew, but I was never the one to sit out beside the pool with a bikini on and a magazine.
"I never knew half that stuff about you," Tommy said after a while.
"You never asked," I said, feeling his cheek against mine as I began to let my eyes drift off to the stars.
"Does Adam know any of this?" Tommy asked.
"A little, I think," I said. "Reading the article, if she uses any of what I said to her at the start, will be nothing he doesn't already know."
"And you didn't care to tell me?" Tommy said, hearing the hurt in his voice as I turned around in his embrace to face him, my hands resting upon his chest.
"If it mattered that much to you, yeah, I would have told you," I retorted. "I just didn't want to go through those experiences again. It was bad enough going back to them with her."
"But at least it would have been to me," Tommy replied, catching my eye and holding it. "I wouldn't have been judgmental. If I am going to be with you for the rest of my life, I need to know about your history and who you are. I need to know who I'm bringing into my family."
My breath caught in my throat.
"What are you saying?" I asked, nerves jangling throughout my body.
"Did you not hear me last night?" Tommy said, his eyes wavering slightly. "I said I love you. Earlier, I said that I would be with you forever, that you were now my life."
"I thought you were just saying that to get the doctor off our back," I said. "I didn't expect you to be with me the entire way through the pregnancy. Your kindness has truly touched me, Tommy, but I didn't exactly believe that you to be with me forever. I thought you might want to abandon me. I don't want you to be drawn down by me because I am pregnant and won't have a man there to protect me. I can do it on my own, I can protect myself."
I could tell with the fury in his eyes that he was really close to trying to slap some sense in to me. I knew I could live a life without a man in it, looking after the child that Adam had given me whether it would be out of love or lust. I had a stable job and a house that I could raise a child in. I would learn how to cook more than the basic things that I knew how to but what I didn't know was how to raise the child in the early years. Breast feeding, changing a nappy, all of that.
It would be good to have a mother who could teach me things like that instead of going to the hospital or something like that to learn these things. I was private about my body and didn't want random women to be guiding me along the way and gawking at the smallness of my body. I was one of those girls in high school that would be looked down on for my small arse, breasts, even shoe size. They even ridiculed me for my average body size, for being bigger than they were.
From Tommy's expression and what he had said, I knew that he was offering me something that I wasn't sure I could accept. I liked him, but I wasn't sure if I loved him. I had never experienced love before so I didn't really know what I was looking for. I like being around him, I liked how he held me and how every time we touched, I knew it was out of love and not out of hatred or hurt.
I wondered how he managed to love me in such a short period of time. We shouldn't have known each other more than a month at that. I had lost track of time since so many things had been happening. I had fallen in and out of what I thought was love with Adam and now I had a man in front of me that was extending a proposal my way to be with me forever more. I was flattered, honoured, but I wasn't sure if it was the right decision.
"What are you thinking?" Tommy said, his eyes searching me.
"Of too much," I said, bringing me back to reality. "I'm reading into too much of what you said."
"What are you thinking?" Tommy said, his hands taking my face and holding it close.
"That you're making a proposal to me," I replied, trying to keep my voice strong.
"What kind of proposal?" he asked, one of his hands disappearing into his pocket to get something unknown.
My breath caught in my throat again.
"A proposal of marriage," I said. "But you don't have a father of mine to ask. His almost a day's trip if you want to visit him."
"I don't need your father to ask," Tommy said, pulling the unknown object from his pocket. "You are all the confirmation I need."