Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)

He took my hand and slipped on something cold. I looked at my hand in his and saw a glint of gold upon it. I could not believe it, I didn't want to believe it. What was he doing signing the rest of his life away to be with me. Didn't have his own life to live anymore? Other women, men, men he could be seeing? I could see him with a woman more beautiful than I, someone who wasn't as messed up as me, that he was more similar to, someone who wasn't me.

"You're all the confirmation I need," Tommy repeated, looking at me expectantly. "What are you so afraid of?"

"I'm afraid of myself," I said, pulling away from and heading up to my room. "If i'm afraid of anything, it would be myself." I stopped at the top of the stairs and turned to face Tommy who stood close behind me. I held my hand towards him and pointed at the ring. "I need time to think."

Tommy reached out to me as if he wanted to say something but I shut the door in his face, wanting some space to myself. That was understandable, right? So much had been happening that I needed some breathing space but when I retuned my sights to my room, practically everything reminded me of Tommy. The smell of the room, his clothing spilling out of the cupboard that I had gave for him to use and the messy bed that hadn't been touched.

Beginning to pass the room, I ran my hands through my hair when it got caught on the ring that Tommy had given me. I pulled my hand from my hair and studied the ring upon my hand. I fiddled with the ring upon my finger before I took it off and set it down on the set of draws that belonged to Tommy. I pulled up the stool and sat on it, staring at the ring and fiddling with the ends of my hair. I groaned at the state of my hair, knowing that I should go to the hairdresser to get my hair fixed up. I felt like I wanted a new look as well, signalling a new start for me. A new life.

I picked up the ring that Tommy had given to me and fiddled with it between my fingers. I was considering accepting Tommy's offer. I needed someone like him in my life but I still had things to sort out before I made any decision. I decided that I had to keep myself busy, I couldn't think about it anymore for now at least. I got up from the stool and moved around the room doing something I never thought I would see myself doing. I was making the bed even though I knew I would just be ruining it again in a matter of moments. I cleaned all Tommy's clothes that were splayed everywhere and put them neatly back into the draws that he used. I took in the scent of his clothing as I put them away, remembering what he smelt like, what he felt like. It was a smell that I was used to and could live with.

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When I woke up the next morning about an hour or so before I was mean to be at the shoot, I pulled on something basic that I was comfortable in and didn't bother to put on any make-up. I walked down the stairs to the studios but something caught my eye and pulled me back to the studios. I saw Tommy lying not the couch still wearing the clothes that he had on last night. I smiled at him sleeping, smiling at the fact that he looked so peaceful when he slept.

Without a second thought, I ran back up the stairs and found the ring that I placed on the chest of draws. I picked it up and studied it for a moment. I noticed that it had some writing in the centre of the ring, reading, Tommy Joe & Kassandra Ratliff. My heart not only warmed at the fact that he managed to get the spelling of my name right but he got the inside of the ring written upon.

With a smile, I put the ring upon my finger and headed back down the stairs to the studio were Tommy was still sleeping. I quietly walked into the room and knelt down beside the couch. I pushed some of his long fringe off his face and kissed him lightly upon the lips. He took a sharp intake of breath with his eyes fluttering open. His chocolate eyes focussed upon me and his fingers went to his eyes, rubbing at them.

"Morning," I said and kissed him again.

"Morning, beautiful," he said, sighing. "You look more beautiful than ever this morning."

"Does it ruin your perfect picture saying that I feel slightly nauseous and threw up again this morning?" I said, pulling away from him and standing up.

"Not one bit," Tommy said, getting up slowly format he couch and steadying himself in front of me.

"Come one, cutie," I said. "We have a photo shoot to get to."

"Don't we have to bring something with us?" he said as he followed me out of the studios and across the backyard.

"By the sounds of this one, I don't think that we have to," I said as we got into my car and we drove to the studios.

Tommy lazily slept in the passenger seat, completely and utterly out of it. I wanted to put on music but the last thing I wanted to do was disturb Tommy like that. He needed his sleep after what I did to him, locking him out of my room, our room, when all he was trying to offer me his hand and I completely freaked out. As I studied him between my glances to the road to make sure that i was on the right track, I noticed that he had the ring upon his finger. That made me smile. I got the feeling that he was believing that I would accept his offer, that I wouldn't let him down like that on such an offer. I fingered my own ring as I pulled up into a car space. I opened the door to his side and awoke him with a kiss, Tommy drawing me in for something more but I refused since we had to be focussed on something important. We needed our composure.

I locked the car as he followed me into the studios. Similar to the last photo shoot with Rolling Stone, I was rushed off into hair and make-up except this time it was with the man that I was beginning to love, beginning to feel that I could spend the rest of my life with. We touched hands from our seats as the hair stylist pulled at my hair and noticed the fact that I desperately needed something done with it. I glanced up at the stylist and said, "I was thinking purple."

"I'm not sure if it would suit you, honey," he said as he continued to fiddle with my hair. "You're curls suit you, though, as well as this colour, but I agree with you in the way that your hair needs a change."

"Keep the colour I've got," I relented. "And add something to it."

"How about making it more chocolaty?" the hair styler said making me think of Tommy's eyes. "And adding a little of your favourite colour and blonde?"

I smiled at him and nodded as he went about with making my hair the way he explained. As he added the colours, the make-up artist jumped upon me with fake eyelashes with silver and purple eye make-up. She painted my toenails and my fingernails a dark purple, complementing the make-up that she just put on my face. She was out of my face as soon as she appeared. The hair stylist finished add chocolaty colours to my hair, washing all the unwanted colour out while adding the purple and blonde to it. I looked over to Tommy who was having his hair re-dyed blond. His fingernails we pained black while the make-up artist coloured around his eyes to match the beautiful chocolate swirls that were his eyes. When he looked towards me, I took a double take. The make-up suited him and all I could do was smile like the idiot I was.

I looked back to myself in the mirror, not sure whether I was happy with my look or not. I still had the dye in my hair so my look wasn't complete yet. I only had to wait a few minutes before the hair stylist washed it out and returned my hair back to it's original state. The stylist was right, as much as I wanted to change my hair colour. I thanked the hair stylist as he looped my hair into large curls and sprayed a sparkle over it before ushering me out of the chair and into wardrobe without another word. I had no idea where Tommy was at that point but I couldn't let myself be distracted by him right now. I was ushered into one of the changing rooms and found something that I wouldn't even dream of wearing ever. I groaned as I pulled off my clothing and my underwear. I pulled the dress over my head and didn't realise how it revealing it was.

It was black, tight around my waist and puffed out at the bottom. It went down to my knees and had feathers lining it, sparkling beads across the bodice. I looked at myself in the mirror, not sure whether I was happy with what I wore but then again, I never was. I found a pair of heels that we practically exactly the same as the ones that I wore to the Rolling Stone shoot. I stepped out of the changing room and was given a pair of silver drop earrings, a large silver necklace that covered the space upon my chest and a few bangles. Putting these on, I was ushered to the set where I saw Tommy dressed handsomely in a pure black suit. It was like he was making me fall in love with him all over again. He took me into his embrace and made me laugh like a school girl. Before I knew it, the photo shoot had started.

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Tommy and I had decided that we should go out on the night alone. I wasn't too keen on the idea in my condition but I couldn't stop him dragging me out in the dress I was wearing from the shot to the local club. I had never really been to one before, so it was an experience. The song that they were playing when we entered was a song by the man who gave me the baby within me. Tommy hummed his part to the song as we moved to the bar. I was humming the tune as we ordered our drink but I ordered something different to what I would usually, taking the shot that Tommy ordered for me and a tequila sunrise. I knew that it would be my only drink for tonight because my mind was going to my baby. What could a few drinks do to the baby? I couldn't drink excessively, I knew that, but one or two drinks couldn't harm anyone, right?

Before I could finish my drink, Tommy pulled me out to the dance floor amongst the people. I groaned at this because I wasn't the type of person that could dance. I tried to tell Tommy this but he completely ignored me and pulled me out into the middle of the crowd of people. I hesitantly looked around me, standing still and not knowing what to do. People were bumping into me, dancing their lives away.

Tommy was practically invisible amongst the crowd with his dark suit. The only things that were visible were his chocolate eyes, his hair and some of his face. His features that were revealed to me were seductive, drawing me into him as he moved against my body. I slid my arms around his neck as he slid his around my wast, his lips moving towards mine as our bodies moved. I felt his pelvis grinding against mine and making my body tense, hairs rising upon my arms and goosebumps coursing over the rest of my body.

I felt myself blushing from my throat all the way up to my cheeks, my throat closing up as he kissed me. He was totally taking over my body, kissing me on the neck and across my collar bone. He was pulling at my dress as I pulled his head towards me, encouraging him to kiss me where he did. It reached a moment where I just couldn't take it anymore and pulled him out of the crowd to a place where little to know people gathered. When I saw it, I knew it wasn't right so I pulled him into the women's bathroom and into one of the cubicles. Shutting the door behind us, I pressed Tommy against the wall and the sexual tiger that I didn't know was within me guided Tommy in ways that I thought I never could've. I had my underwear around my ankles and undoing Tommy's belt, pulling his trousers, and underwear, from him.

As he pulled me towards him, he said to me, "It's like you're a whole different person when you're like this. Did he ever see you like this?"

"I love you," I said and I couldn't even believe I had even said something like that. "And you are the only person that I will truly show this side. If I am going to spend the rest of my life with you, there is no reason why I shouldn't start treating you like your my husband."

Tommy took my hand a surprised expression crossed his face when he saw the ring upon my finger. He smiled and dropped my hand, turning his attentions to the situation at hand. His eyebrows quickly raised as my lips were upon his. We passionately kissed for a moment before I sneakily slid myself onto Tommy as his manhood was pressed up against me like a brick. It wasn't as rough as what experienced with Adam but it still caused me a little pain when we connected.

I moaned slightly as Tommy and I kissed, feeling the shiver come through my body. I felt my breasts tingle and harden as I pushed my self back onto Tommy. His hands were upon my arse, helping me move into him. My moans grew louder as our motions got faster. I felt Tommy's heavy breath upon my neck as I felt myself get hotter and hotter before I couldn't kiss him any longer, my head resting in the crook of his neck. I began muttering his name over and over, kissing his neck as I did.

I heard Tommy saying that he loved me as I pulled my lips away from his neck and threw my head back. I could've made such a loud noise but my throat choked up, preventing me from making a noise. I felt his manhood providing something warm within me, my body reacting in such a way that I could not control. I felt him hold me tightly against his pelvis before finally releasing me moments later. I breathed so heavily that it sounded like I had been on a marathon run instead of having sex with the man that I now loved.

I collapsed against the toilet seat and spread myself across it unattractively. My hair was ruined, my dress crumpled. This is how it should've been with Adam, but I knew it was never going to be. I was with Tommy now and I glad I had made that decision to be with him, to actually do what I did with him just then. I had been putting it off for so long that I questioned why I had. My fear of sex had been cast aside since the disturbing experience Adam had given me. I didn't black out and remained conscious for the entire experience, enjoying it as much as I should have the first time I had it.

It was like as if I had started all over again. I was glad that I had. This was the new Kassandra McDonald who cast aside her fears of insecurity and lack of self-confidence in exchange for something she could not interchange for anything in the world. I thanked Tommy for this new me and the new life I was going to begin.