Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)

I ended up by the pool after that. I had pulled off my shoes and lay them beside me, puling my knees to my chest and resting my chin upon my knees. I ended out here too much when I needed to think, becoming a little bit of a habit. When I was out here, though, I was usually with either Adam or Tommy. Now I was with neither. I didn't know which of them to trust and my long time best friend had just ditched me because I had forgiven someone he thought shouldn't have been forgiven. In my opinion, he deserved to be. After I read the letter, he definitely deserved someone to be in his life now that he lost practically everyone. He lost everyone because of me. Do you know how bad that made me feel? I felt horrid. Everything had gone to shit since I became involved with these people, since I had taken on this project. My dad ended up in jail, a friend ended up shot, I had become engaged only catch him cheating with my best friends ex-fiance who couldn't stand to be around me because I had forgiven the man that had taken my virginity and made me conceive a child. I just wanted everything to be calm and how it was earlier where I had routine. I would just walk into the studio when I was needed and go to uni every other day. I missed that, I missed stability. I thought I was going to get that with Tommy but everything only seemed to get worse, no matter what I did.

I was getting cold out, I just couldn't stay out here any longer. My breath was turning to fog and my hair was sticking up on end. When I was about to stand, I saw Adam walking across the backyard and paused when he saw me. I hesitantly stood to my feet as we stood on either side of the pool. He was dressed in the suit that he wore before, making me question why he redressed himself in that. We stared at each other for a moment before I turned from him, my head cast downwards and headed back into the studios.

"Look up," Adam said from behind him and I just did what he asked without questioning it.

When I looked up, I saw Tommy and Camilla together, fighting. This made me finger my ring, wanting to cast it into the water behind me but I just couldn't make myself do and I don't know why. Maybe I still found myself connected to Tommy in a way and maybe the ring was the connection that kept me to him. Adam was by my side in a moment, taking my hand with the ring upon it and played with it on my finger. My eyes shifted from Tommy and Camilla in my room to Adam's fingers upon my hand as he finally took the ring from my finger and suddenly, it felt bare. He pocketed the ring and let go of my hand, his eyes searching me as I stared at my bare finger. I moved my fingers around as if I was warming them up before I looked to Adam. A worried smile spread across his lips.

"Are you sure that's the right decision to make?" I said, still feeling some attachment to Tommy.

"You can't be with him right now," he said, his hand going to my cheek.

"I can't be with you either, if that's what you're trying to get at," I said, pulling away from him and heading back to the main house.

"I'm not trying to say that," Adam said as he followed me through the house to a room that I hadn't been in years. "I'm just trying to think of the best thing for you and the baby."

"And that's being away from someone who can help me raise it?" I said, turning around from the door to Adam. "I don't think that's going to happen. Tommy said he was going to be there for me, forever. Not just a one night stand or someone he lusts after."

"You know you shouldn't patronise someone when they're down," Adam said. "If you really want the ring, I can let you have it, but you're dwelling to much on Tommy and you're becoming indecisive. Did you not just see him cheating on you with Camilla?"

"I saw his face and he didn't look like he was enjoying it," I said, trying to get some ground here.

"It doesn't matter if he was enjoying it or not," Adam said as my hand went to the door handle. "The fact is that you caught him in the act. You should've been with him, looking after him rather than taking care of me. I wouldn't have cared if Camilla tried to make a move upon me because it wouldn't be like me to accept her on that offer. Tommy is a whole different story. He can accept her on that offer because he can afford to while I can't."

"He said that too me once," I said as I turned from me and walked into the room that used to belong to my mother before she died. "That he could afford to be more straight than you ever could."

I sat down at the upright piano against the wall, staring at it and blowing at the dust that covered it. The room hadn't been touched in years, my father, the maid, everyone avoided the room. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Adam looking around the room and closed the door behind him. It wasn't long before he joined me, watching me in thought at the piano. I was thinking about how my mother died in this room while I had been at her side, not even crying but only in shock. It was something that someone at my age shouldn't have even been experiencing but I had. I was angry at myself for not getting to know her better, for not being able to look after her better. I missed her dearly, unlike my father who I was glad was out of my life. Even though her profession was one that you might not be proud of as a daughter, she was my mother and I loved her.

"This was my mother's room," I said to Adam as he watched me pull up the cover on the keys. "She died here all those years ago and I was by her side."

"Do you miss her?" Adam said, my fingers beginning to play at the piano and surprised that it was still actually in tune.

"Everyday," I said, beginning to play a Five For Fighting song that always reminded me of her. It was the song she always asked me to play to her and I had grown to love it, the lyrics connecting me back to her. When the time was right, after a few bounds of opening chords, I began to sing. "Lonely, yeah that's the word. I leave my heart when I leave her. The days go on forever and the nights do too."

I sang, just sang my heart out. You don't know how much the song meant to me. The last words she had ever said to me were "I love you" when I rejoined her after playing her this song. This song brought back unwelcome memories but she was all that I could think of right now. This song always healed me when my heart was hurting and when I didn't know what to do. It was like she was coming back from the other side to give me some words of wisdom. It brought tears to my eyes as I played, my fingers refusing to stumble as my eyes dripped with tears. By the time I had finished the song, I was so shaken but my heart provided the calmness that I needed. Adam looked to me, tears filling his eyes and they quivered like the ocean. I took in a shaky breath as I shut the piano and stood. I went to the bed that hadn't been touched since mum had been in there. I knelt down on the side I had knelt down beside when she passed and rested my hands in my lap. Adam knelt down beside me, leaving me to myself for a moment.

"You have a really nice voice," he said as I envisioned mother there.

"I'm no you," I said as I saw mum's pale figure upon the bed.

"No one can be me apart from me," Adam said. "I can be no you, either. We are our own person."

"I miss her so much," I said as the vision of her disappeared. "I used to pray every night that she would come back, but she never did."

"Did you still do that?" Adam asked as I placed my hand upon the bed, feeling the material.

"When I can," I said as I got up from my position and sat on the edge of the bed, getting an eerie feeling that she was till there. "Other nights, I just need to be near here because sometimes I think she's still here." Adam was still kneeling down on the ground and shifted in front of me, taking my hands in his and held them tightly. I looked down to him, my make-up smudging as tears streaked down my face. "Is it too much to ask for you to be with me here tonight? It looks like we are both in need of some calming at heart."

"I would be glad to," he said as I lay down on the bed and Adam joining me.

At first, it was slightly awkward as Adam lay stiffly beside me. I was lying on my side facing the window, breathing calmly and taking in the scent of the room. The tension obviously broke when Adam slid closer to me and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me to him. This was the final piece to my heart slowing and generating a calmness around my body. I closed my eyes and slept the most peaceful sleep that I had in a while with the father of my child holding me tight.