Bite Your Tongue

12:32 P.M.
Brian;;

I avoided going to the table for as long as possible, taking my time to dump ketchup on my fries and grab a few napkins. I avoided the table, where each and every one of the people that meant the most to me sat, laughing and talking, because I knew that this would be the last lunch before things changed. Before I had to go and destroy someone I adored just so I could do the right thing.

I couldn’t avoid it forever, though, so I took a deep breath and headed for my usual seat next to Korinne. She must have seen me out of the corner of her eye, because she looked up, smiling, and I smiled back as best I could while I was being choked by the terrible thought of what I planned to do.

“Hey. I was beginning to wonder what had happened to y--”

I cut her off with a kiss, quickly depositing my lunch on the table so I could kiss her more thoroughly. I kissed her with everything I had, trying to memorize the feel of her lips against mine while my hands softly caressed her face. I ignored the whoops and hollers from around the table—all I was focused on was that this was the last kiss we’d be able to have, and I wanted it to be something we would never forget. I parted from her only when I was sure that I had done my job, and then I sat down.

“Um…hello to you, too,” Korinne said breathlessly. Her face was slightly flushed, and a goofy smile seemed to be permanently plastered to her face as she reached for the apple in front of her.

“God, Zacky, why can’t you greet me like that?” Delia complained.

He grinned. “Because if I did, you can be damn sure I wouldn’t stop at just a kiss.”

Everyone burst into hysterical laughter as Delia hurriedly began to search for something in her lunchbox in a sad attempt to hide her bright red face. Korinne caught my eye, somewhat questioningly, as I dove into my food.

“What was that for?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Oh, nothing. Just felt like kissing you, that’s all.”

Lie.

She smiled again, and the world seemed to grow brighter and warmer for those few seconds.

“Okay.”

I kept my eyes on the starchy, heart attack-inducing pile in front of me for the rest of lunch, looking up occasionally to keep up the impression that everything was fine. It was cruel, I knew, to act like things were okay and then to just completely ruin it all—but I needed to enjoy the last precious moments before I basically signed my life away. No one sensed anything out of the ordinary, except for Zacky, who I suspected had a feeling what was going on, since he knew me better than anyone.

My stomach seemed to turn in on itself as the bell rang, signaling the end of what was sure to be the last cheerful moments of my life. The cafeteria was instantly a mass of people moving toward trash cans, or trying to cram in the rest of their meal before they had to return to class. Zacky hovered over by the stairs like he always did, waiting for me so we could return to the hell that was Interior Design. This time, however, I shot him a look, revealing my inner torment. He seemed to understand perfectly, for he simply sat down on the stairs to wait, much to the annoyance of several dozen kids trying to get to the second floor.

I sought out Korinne, who hadn’t gotten far. She had just dumped her garbage into the trash when I asked if I could talk to her for a second. She looked completely oblivious—happy; carefree, even—as we headed to an empty hallway.

“What’s up?”

I sighed and leaned against a locker, staring at the cracks in the linoleum while I tried to get the words together in my head. Never did I think that I would be doing this, and now that the moment was here, it all felt horribly wrong. There wasn’t a part of me that didn’t want to just pretend like Zoe didn’t exist, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I had to do this, no matter how much I didn’t want to.

My eyes traveled up to her face, and I hated the sight of worry etched onto her beautiful features. I opened my mouth to say something, but I still couldn’t seem to find the right words. The silence stretched on, and the look on Korinne’s face transformed from worry to something I couldn’t name. Her eyes bored into mine, searching, while her entire body seemed to slump towards the ground dejectedly.

“You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?” she asked softly.

A lump began to form in my throat as I watched her lovely eyes start to water.

“Korinne…”

“Are you dumping me or not?” she said quickly, her voice cracking on the last word.

I nodded slowly, holding myself back from the urge to hold her as her face crumpled and tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Oh. Um…okay, then. I mean…I know you’ve been acting weird lately, but I-I really didn’t expect this.” She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth—to keep from sobbing too loudly, I guessed—and looked at me with nothing but pure disbelief.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…” I whispered, not trusting myself to talk at full volume. Seeing Korinne cry was one of the most distressing things I’d ever experience—and it hurt even more to know that I was the one who caused it. I was the one to ruin the happiness I’d been so proud of her for achieving, and at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to throw myself under the wheels of a bus.

She stared at the ground for a few seconds, sobbing quietly, and I could practically hear my heart ripping in two over the din of students leaving the cafeteria. When she looked up, it was clear that any and all contentment she’d gained over the past few weeks was gone. Vanished. And from the look in her eyes, I doubted whether she would ever be the same again.

“I wish it didn’t have to be this way,” I offered in a pathetic attempt to comfort her. The real way I wanted to comfort her would have sent the wrong message, despite how badly I wanted it.

“Why?” she wondered aloud. “Why? Did I do something? I thought…” She broke off, letting a few sobs rack her already-shaking frame. “I thought things were going well, Brian. What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything, Korinne. Don’t blame this on yourself. You were just…perfect. Please don’t beat yourself up over this,” I replied, horrified that she’d automatically assumed this was her fault. It scared me to think of the condition she would be in the next time I saw her.

“Then what?” Korinne demanded desperately, wiping away some of the tears that were flooding her eyes.

I figured that it was best to just get it over with.

“Zoe’s pregnant,” I said quietly, watching her eyes widen. “And I’m sorry, so, so, so, sorry, but…I can’t just do nothing about it. I …I have to be there for her.”

“Okay,” she said, with finality. She gave me one last, long, indecipherable look, before turning and walking away to her next class.

My eyes, now slightly wet themselves, refused to leave her retreating form until she vanished from sight. I could hear her crying softly as she went, and that did nothing to dispel the huge ache that had now settled into my midsection. I took a couple of slow deep breaths and shoved my hands in my pockets, keeping my eyes on the floor as I walked back to where Zacky was. I focused on his shoes as he stood up on the now deserted staircase, not wanting to see the look on his face. He didn’t say anything, but his presence was enough—enough to keep me from completely losing it on the outside. And as we headed upstairs to my least favorite class, I couldn’t help but feel like my life, as I had once enjoyed it, had come to an abrupt end.

+++

4:42 P.M.
Korinne;;

I walked home. I could have gotten a ride from Stevie or someone, but that would have required an explanation, which I was definitely incapable of at the moment. So I walked, even though it was so hot that it probably would have been possible to fry an egg on the sidewalk. The heat kept my mind off of other things, and I managed to make it home without dying of heatstroke.

I stopped short at the end of my driveway when I saw Brian leaving his house and walking towards his car. Instantly, I dove behind the nearest bush. I peeked through the foliage, and felt the tears I’d been pushing away all day start to resurface. I watched, bleary-eyed, as my now ex-boyfriend got into his car and drove off. And suddenly, I couldn’t hold anything back. Everything I had forced myself not to think about burst forth to the front of my mind, and I made a mad dash for the house so no one would see me cry.

My vision blurred as I slid to the floor. I shoved my backpack away from me and buried my face in my hands as a shiver ran through my body and I lost all sense of reality.

He was gone. Gone. Not mine anymore. Now he was someone else’s…Zoe’s. I wanted to throw up. This shouldn’t be happening…we were doing so great, and now this? Why? How is that fair? How is it that after I finally find the one person who makes me happy no matter what, I still, for some reason, don’t deserve him? What the fuck!?

I seized my Biology textbook—which happened to be the biggest of all of them—and threw it angrily against the wall with all of my might. It made a loud, wonderful noise, and I found myself comforted by the fact that I’d probably just damaged the wall. But I really didn’t care.

Time seemed to slip away as I sat there; sobbing so hard it was making me nauseous. My cries echoed through out the house, and they must have been loud enough to drown out everything around me, because I didn’t hear the lock turning in the door until it was too late.

The door swung open, digging into my back painfully for several seconds before I scrambled out of the way. I blinked a few times and looked up at Elias, who removed his keys from the doorknob and shoved them into his pocket. He frowned when he saw me there, and I knew I should move—what if he had heard about me and Brian? What if Brian’s threat didn’t hold now that we weren’t together?—but I just couldn’t find the energy.

“Are you okay?” he asked, sounding almost genuinely concerned. I glanced at him in shock, expecting him to leap at me at any moment. I almost wished that he would have—the pain would have been a welcome distraction. But he didn’t do anything. He simply shut the door and looked at me like he hadn’t looked at me in years—like I was his sister again, and he was comforting me because some annoying girl had knocked me down on the playground.

The reminder of how close we used to be spurred the onset of a new batch of tears. I quickly got off of the floor, not wanting to cry in front of Elias, and ran for the stairs. His hand closed around my wrist briefly, but I yanked myself free, and proceeded upstairs, where I locked my door and fell to the floor, feeling that familiar darkness enclose me once again—and this time, I had a feeling it would never go away.