Bite Your Tongue

10:15 A.M.
Korinne;;

The bottom floor Web Design classroom was comfortably cold and quiet, its tranquility disturbed only by the gentle tapping of fingers on keyboards. The teacher, a thin, hawklike woman who was actually pretty nice despite her intimidating appearance, walked around the room, offering assistance to those students who needed it. Everyone was working peacefully on their assignments. Except, of course, for me. I was trying not to kill my partner.

Zoe was sitting at the computer next to mine, happily ensconced in a copy of Pregnancy magazine that she’d hidden behind her Web Design folder. Apparently, the world hated me, because we’d been paired up for this week’s assignment. As if it wasn’t bad enough to be in the same class with her—now I had to work with her, too. We were supposed to be brainstorming ideas, since the project involved creating a website for an imaginary business, but Zoe had chosen to use precious class time to browse a magazine and think about her baby shower. I wanted to strangle her, but instead I forced myself to think happy thoughts and focused on putting the website together.

“Do you know how to cook?” Zoe asked suddenly. “‘Cause I want to make a bunch of cupcakes for the baby shower, but I’m going to need help. You can make cupcakes, right? I mean, it’s not that difficult.”

I wondered if it would be possible to kill her by smacking her in the face with a computer. Despite Brian saying that I didn’t even have to talk to Zoe about the shower if I didn’t want to, she had for some reason decided that she was going to talk about it every time she saw me.

“No, I can’t cook,” I said irritably. “You’re going to have to do that yourself.”

“But—”

“Would you please stop reading that damn magazine and help me think of what our business is going to be? We only have a week to finish this.”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Relax! We don’t have to get the entire project done today. Stop being such a perfectionist.”

“I’m not being a perfectionist, I’m being realistic! If we don’t at least come up with an idea and get all the blank pages linked together today, we’re going to have to rush to get it done before next Friday and I really don’t want to do that.”

Snorting, Zoe turned another page of her magazine and returned to reading. “Relax,” she repeated.

I held back the unpleasant words that were threatening to spill out of my mouth and went back to work. It took me only a few minutes to create the six required web pages, and then, unable to move on without my partner’s input, I reluctantly spoke to Zoe again.

“Why don’t we make our business a bakery?” I asked. “It’d be really easy to just find pictures of cakes and stuff.”

“Sure, whatever.” She turned yet another page.

“Okay…uh, what color do you want to make everything? Does it matter?”

“Nope.”

I let out an annoyed sigh. “Fine. Do you want to work on making a logo for the site while I get the pages designed?”

“Not really, no.”

“What the hell are you going to do, then?!”

Zoe glanced at me patronizingly. “I’m going to read my magazine,” she said, speaking to me like I was mentally challenged. “Duh.”

I could feel my anger level starting to rise, and I gripped the computer’s mouse tightly in one hand while the other clenched into a fist.

“So you’re telling me that you’re going to sit there and slack off while I do the entire fucking project?!”

“There’s no need for such vulgar language, Korinne,” Zoe said calmly. “I don’t know what the problem is. You’re obviously a lot better at making websites than I am.”

“No, I’m not! I know you know how to do this, Zoe; we all had to make a simple website during the second week of school!”

She shrugged. “I don’t have time to waste on silly school projects. I have a baby shower to plan. And aren’t you supposed to be helping me with that?”

“Yes,” I said through gritted teeth. “But—”

“Then why are you so concerned with this dumb project? We should be brainstorming baby shower ideas, not working on…whatever the hell it is.”

That was it. I’d tried to be nice, I’d tried to be civil, and yet Zoe was still her usual bitchy self. I already had ton of homework to stress over this weekend, and she was ruining the one class that usually gave me a reprieve from my anxiety. I wasn’t going to deal with this anymore.

“The world doesn’t revolve around you, Zoe!” I exclaimed. “You may find it hard to believe, but I don’t spend every waking minute of my life thinking about your goddamned fucking baby shower! It’s actually the least of my worries! So if you could maybe, I don’t know, shut the fuck up, and do what you’re supposed to do, I’d really appreciate it.”

Zoe looked at me for a long moment, the look on her face slowly becoming a sour one.

“You’re a real bitch, you know that?” she said eventually.

I gave a mirthless laugh.

“I’m the bitch? Wow, you really are dumber than you look.”

“At least I’m not still hung up on my ex-boyfriend! Or pathetic enough to think that helping with his current girlfriend’s baby shower will make him like me again!”

I gripped the mouse more firmly, shaking with anger.

“Shut up,” I said vehemently.

“At least I’m not desperate enough to settle for one of my ex-boyfriend’s best friends just because he’s interested and I’m lonely!” she continued.

“Shut up!”

Zoe stood up rapidly, knocking her chair over in the process. “Don’t tell me to shut up, you pathetic little slut!”

“Newsflash, Zoe! You’re the only pregnant one in the room! What does that make you?”

She let out a screech of fury. She lunged for me, then, and I was so shocked by the sight of her rushing towards me that I fell out of my chair.

“Don’t insult me!” she spat. “You’re stupid and ugly and pathetic and I hate you and I just—I hope you die!”

Before I could think of a reply, the shrill voice of our teacher, Mrs. Robertson, cut clearly across the classroom.

“Girls!”

She navigated her way through the maze of tables, chairs, and distracted students, and reached us within seconds.

“What is going on here?” she demanded.

I opened my mouth to explain, but Zoe quickly drew attention to herself by bursting into surprisingly believable tears.

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “But…Korinne was making fun of me! She called me stupid and a fat whore and said that I should just get trapped inside a burning building!”

My jaw dropped, and I scrambled to my feet. “I never said that!” I cried indignantly.

“Yes, you did!” Zoe stamped her foot and crossed her arms over her chest, looking at Mrs. Robertson with hurt eyes. “She was so mean, Mrs. Robertson, I just couldn’t stand it!” she wailed.

“I didn’t—”

“That’s enough,” Mrs. Robertson said, sighing. “I’m very disappointed in you, Korinne. You’re such a good student; I never would have expected this type of behavior from you.”

“I didn’t do anything, I swear!”

“It’s true,” said a voice from behind me. I looked to see a scrawny freshman kid swivel around in his chair. He glanced nervously from me to Zoe. “Sorry, Pregnant Girl, but I heard you insulting that other chick, and--”

“He’s just sticking up for her because he hates me!” Zoe bawled. She buried her face in her hands, sobbing. “Everyone hates me!”

“Oh, dear…” Mrs. Robertson put an arm around Zoe’s shoulders. “Shh, it’s alright. No one here hates you.”

It took every ounce of my self-restraint to keep from snorting.

After a minute or so, Mrs. Robertson released Zoe. She glanced back and forth between us, looking disappointed. “Zoe is in a very fragile state right now, Korinne. Why would you say such hurtful things to her?”

“I told you I didn’t say anything!”

“Yes, well…whatever the facts may be, both of you still disrupted my class, and for that you’ll have to serve detention. I’m sorry.”

I was pretty sure that my heart stopped. All of the room’s oxygen seemed to vanish as the meaning of her words hit me.

“Detention?” I repeated weakly.

“Yes. Next Wednesday, before school.”

As Zoe launched into a series of tearful complaints, I fell into my chair and simply sat there, stunned. I’d never had detention before. Ever. I just didn’t get into trouble at school. I’d never had a time-out or a silent lunch or any other type of punishment. I wasn’t equipped to handle something like this, and I instantly began to panic. Is this going to go on my permanent record? Is it going to delay my graduation? What if they send me back a grade for being unstable? Shit, what if colleges find out about this and decide to reject me because I’m so clearly a juvenile delinquent! Fuck!

I started hyperventilating.

“Are you okay?” the scrawny freshman kid asked. He looked alarmed. “Do you need a paper bag, or something?”

“I’m fine,” I gasped.

“It’s just detention. Nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah,” the kid next to him chimed in. “It’s just detention. Once you get it over with you can forget it ever happened.”

I nodded and thanked them both before turning to face my computer and trying to regulate my breathing. I knew it was silly to freak out so badly over one detention, but no matter how hard I tried to convince myself it was nothing, I couldn’t stop worrying. I wasn’t a bad kid, I wasn’t accustomed to teachers being disappointed in me, and I couldn’t just shrug off a punishment like fucking detention even though I knew I didn’t deserve it. For me, it wasn’t just a detention.

For me, it was like a death sentence.

+++

12:17 P.M.

“Oh, shit,” Stevie said, looking at me with concern as I slammed my lunch tray down onto the table. “What happened?”

“I have detention.”

I sat down hard in a chair and reached for my sandwich, viciously ripping off the plastic wrapping. Since third period and the drama that had happened, I’d gone from panicked to angry. The panic was still there, occasionally making itself known in tiny increments of anxiety, but mostly, I was so angry that it was difficult to see straight. I couldn’t go more than a few minutes without replaying the scene in my head, coming up with different ways I could have avoided the situation, and hating myself for not being clever enough to find a way out of it. I hated Zoe more than I’d ever hated anyone in my entire life, and I was looking forward to having a chance to vent. So I was incredibly annoyed when Stevie started to laugh.

“I’m sorry, what?” she asked, giggling. “You have detention?”

“Yes, Stevie, I have detention! Zoe fucking told our Web Design teacher that I was making fun of her, and now both of us have detention on Wednesday.”

Stevie stared at me blankly for several seconds.

“Holy shit, you’re serious.”

“Yes, I’m serious! Why the fuck would I make something like this up?!” I snapped.

“Sorry. It’s just…damn. That’s fucked up.”

“Yeah, I know.” I bit into my sandwich with such force that my teeth missed the bread and cheese and crashed into my tongue piercing. “Ouch! Fucking hell!”

“What?”

“I just bit my piercing! Fuck!”

Stevie winced and handed me her water bottle. “Here, this might help.”

“My tongue’s not bleeding or falling off or anything, is it?”

“Well, you can talk, so I’m going to go with ‘no’.”

I groaned. “I hate my life,” I said.

I gingerly placed the water bottle on my tongue and tried not to cry. It hurt so bad. I wanted to kick myself. The piercing was usually fine, unless of course I did something completely fucking stupid like chew on it.

“You okay?”

“I will be,” I replied miserably.

Stevie gave me a sympathetic look. Then, suddenly, she brightened.

“Oh!” She snatched her purse off of the table, rummaged through it, and soon retrieved a small piece of paper. “I was supposed to give this to you as soon as I saw you.”

“What is it?”

“Jimmy wants you to meet him at one of the tables over there on the grass. I think he’s trying to be romantic by getting you alone, or something.”

“Oh.” I glanced over to the tables she’d mentioned, and sure enough, Jimmy was sitting there by himself. He waved. I waved back hesitantly.

“What’s wrong with you? Get over there!” Stevie exclaimed. “He’ll cheer you up, that’s for sure.”

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see Jimmy; I just didn’t want to see him at this particular moment in time. All I wanted to do was sit down and stuff my face and badmouth Zoe until lunch was over. But now that Jimmy knew I’d gotten his note, I couldn’t ignore it without being rude. Even though being around him was about the last thing on my list of desires right about now, I didn’t really have a choice. Sighing, I thanked Stevie for the water bottle, telling her I’d pay her back on Monday, and said goodbye. I grabbed my food and headed over to the nearby grassy area strewn with tables, stepping over some people that were laying on the ground. I arranged my face in what I hoped passed for a pleasant look and approached the table where Jimmy was sitting.

I gave him the best smile I possibly could. “Hey.”

“Hey yourself,” he said, smiling back.

I sat down across from him. “So, what’s this about?” I asked casually.

“Nothing really. I just missed seeing you.”

Aww.

Shut up. I don’t have the patience to deal with you right now.

He’s being sweet!

Yeah, well…I’m grumpy.

“I missed you too,” I forced myself to say.

Jimmy smiled again and began to eat his chicken fingers. I took a sip of water, sighing as the cool liquid soothed my still-throbbing tongue. We sat for a few minutes in silence, which I was perfectly content with. I sincerely hoped that he wasn’t in a talkative mood, but after how awful this day had been, I should have known better. He started up a conversation, of course.

“How was your day?”

His question seemed to dive into whatever dark pond in my brain that my anger had temporarily run off to and bring every ounce of it back to the surface. The tiny bit of cheer I’d felt from being around him vanished instantly.

“I got detention,” I said bitterly.

“That’s awesome!” Jimmy declared. “Detention is so much fun.”

“Jimmy, that is not awesome.”

“Yeah it is! Me and Matt and Johnny had detention almost every week during sophomore year. It was fuckin’ hilarious.”

I looked at him, frowning.

”How can you say that it’s awesome? I have detention! It’s going to go on my permanent record, and then I’ll never get into college, and—”

“It’s just detention! Relax.”

“Don’t tell me to relax,” I snarled. I immediately wanted to retract my words after seeing the hurt look on his face. “Sorry. I’m just…not in the greatest of moods right now.”

“It’s okay. What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I didn’t want to burden him with my problems.

“Oh.” He looked disappointed. “Well, that’s okay.”

“Sorry. I just…it’s not important.” I reached for my sandwich and took a bite—carefully, this time.

Jimmy was silent for a moment, swirling a chicken finger around in his little tub of honey mustard.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Of course.”

“Then why don’t you want to talk about it?”

Jesus. Why couldn’t he just drop it?

“Because I just don’t, okay?” I said.

He put the chicken finger down and looked right at me.

“Would you want to talk about it if I was Brian?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!”

“I don’t know, Korinne,” he said exasperatedly. But ever since I asked you if you still liked him, you’ve been distant. You hardly ever want to spend time with me anymore.”

“That’s not true. I’ve been busy! I had homework and the PSATs and all this other shit to take care of!”

“I’ve been busy, too! But I still made time to have lunch with you, and you alone! I feel like I’m making all the effort here.”

I didn’t understand what he was so upset about. So what if it had been a little over two weeks since we’d spent more than an hour or two together? We both had lives and other things to deal with. I didn’t think that I had to see him every day.

“Jimmy—” I started.

“Why won’t you tell me what’s bothering you? Is it because it has something to do with Brian?”

“Oh my God.” I felt like laughing, I was so angry. “Why are you so paranoid?!”

“Answer the question!”

“I got detention because of Zoe, okay? We were trying to work on our project and she kept going on and on about her stupid fucking baby shower and I couldn’t take it anymore so I told her to shut up and get to work. She flipped out and caused a scene and when the teacher came over to investigate she made it seem like it was all my fault!”

He looked at me, shaking his head slowly.

“I knew it.”

“Knew what?!”

“That you still have feelings for Brian!”

“I do not—”

“Oh, don’t even try to deny it,” he said. “Why else would Zoe annoy you so much? Yeah, she’s annoying, but most people would have been able to deal with her! You can’t, though, because you’re jealous that she’s with Brian and you’re not!”

Somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind I knew that he was right, but the childish part of me didn’t want to admit it. Couldn’t admit it.

“That’s ridiculous!” I exclaimed.

He laughed miserably. “No, Korinne. It’s not ridiculous.”

“Yes, it is—”

“You know what? I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

The world seemed to slow to a stop around me, sounds and colors fading away until there was nothing else but the cold existence of the words that he’d just said.

“What? Why?!” I asked desperately.

He rolled his eyes. “You know why.”

“Is it because I ruined your romantic lunch thingy or whatever? I didn’t mean to, I’m just so angry—”

“No, it’s not about that. It’s about the fact that you’re still in love with Brian,” Jimmy said.

He looked at me, expectantly, probably waiting for me to deny it again. But I was tired of lying. So tired.

“Jimmy…I’m sorry…I really like you—”

“That’s just it. You like me. But you love him. You always will. I’m sick of trying to compete for your attention.” He got to his feet quickly and snatched his food off of the table. “And I’m not going to be your second choice.”

Then he gave me a short, indecipherable look before turning on his heel and walking away, leaving me alone at the table.

Alone, with nothing but food for comfort, once again.