One Year Later...

One year ago today, you left me.

One year ago today, you left the band.

One year since you passed away and left us alone.

The girls couldn’t understand why we practically died when we heard the news you weren’t with us anymore.

We were all supposed to meet at Matt’s house for breakfast and to start recording.

Leana called Matt, her voice void of emotion. The only words she spoke were “He’s gone. Jimmy’s gone. He’s dead.”

*Flashback

[Third person POV]

Everyone sat in Matt’s living room waiting on Jimmy to show up, wondering why he was taking so long.

“You know Jimmy. He’s never on time for anything. He’d probably be late to his own funeral.” Val said, her and Michelle sitting at the table doing each others’ nails.

Lacey and Gena were on the loveseat, talking about nothing.

Matt and Johnny sat on the couch, Johnny’s head in Matt’s lap and a trash can in front of the couch in case Johnny, who got a little too drunk last night, got sick again.

“Hangovers kill, don’t they, Johnny-boy?” Matt asked, discreetly stroking Johnny’s hair so the girls wouldn’t get suspicious.

“Yes.” Johnny sighed, nuzzling into Matt’s lap and hand. “God, Matt. That makes my head feel better. Don’t stop.”

Everyone stopped to look at Matt and Johnny, Matt’s hand was on the back of Johnny’s neck and was rubbing it gently and soothingly, like he did for all the guys when they were sick with hangovers.

Everyone started to laugh at the blissed-out look on Johnny’s face as Matt rubbed his neck and shoulders gently.

“Johnny, honey, everyone loves Matt’s neck rubs when they’re hung over. But you’re the only one who has a look that practically screams ‘this is my orgasm face’.” Gena said as she walked into the living room after hearing Johnny’s comment.

“This isn’t like Jimmy, guys. I’m getting worried. He would’ve called by now if he was gonna be this late.” Zacky said from where he was curled up with his back against Brian’s chair watching the other man play a video game.

“Well, I just called him twenty minutes ago and his phone went to voicemail. Maybe he’s not even up yet.” Brian said, not taking his eyes from the screen.

“He know’s we’re starting final recording today. He wouldn’t miss that.” Johnny said softly, his eyes closed.

“Maybe one of us should-” Zacky was cut off by Matt’s phone playing Leana’s ring tone, the one that only rung in an emergency.

Nobody moved or breathed. Matt answered the phone near breathlessly.

“Hello?”

“…” There was silence, but sirens could be heard in the background.

“Leana? What’s going on?” Matt pressed, trying to get her to talk.

“He’s gone…Jimmy’s gone…He’s dead.” those words were the only ones that came through the phone before the line disconnected.

“Matt? What’s going on? Is everything okay?” Val asked, the look on her husband’s face scaring her.

He took a shallow breath before the tears started.

“Matt? What is it?” Brian asked, pausing his game as he stood to walk over to Matt.

“Jimmy’s gone.” was all Matt said, tears starting to roll down his face.

“Gone? What do you mean ‘gone’, Matt?” Michelle asked, looking up at her brother in law.

“He’s gone. She said he’s gone. He’s dead. I heard the ambulance and police sirens in the background. She… her voice was emotionless. Like she couldn’t believe it.”

Johnny let out a pained noise before his head was in the trash can, puking up what was left of the small breakfast he’d had from the sheer shock that his brother and secret lover was gone.

Everyone started crying and rushed to their cars, heading to Jimmy’s to see if it was true.

They all pulled up just as the coroner got there. Leana was standing outside, a cop handing her a blanket and talking to her to keep her calm, or try to get a reaction.

“Leana! Is he really gone?” Matt asked as they ran up to where she was, all four of the girls pulling her into a hug.

“Who are you all?” the cop asked, looking at them.

“Close friends. He was our band mate. Is it true?” Brian asked, looking at the cop.

“Follow me inside. We needed another person to identify him.” the cop said grimly, leading them under the yellow tape and into Jimmy’s house.

They all stopped dead in their tracks as they saw a white sheet over a body in the living room floor.

“Pull it back. They’re here to identify him.” the cop said to the coroner next to the body.

He nodded and slowly folded the sheet back to expose the person’s face.

The boys were instantly crushed.

There laid Jimmy, his eyes closed and his skin a deathly pale.

He was truly gone.

Zacky let out an unhuman scream before he fell to his knees screaming and crying until Matt caught him and pulled him to his chest, tears running down his own face as he held his smaller band member close.

Johnny turned and ran out of the house, throwing up the moment he got outside. Brian looked at the cop, face covered in tears, and asked “Can we say goodbye? Before they take him?”

The cop nodded and said “Yeah. I’ll make sure you guys get to say goodbye before he’s taken for autopsy.”

“Thank you.” Brian said before walking outside to check on Johnny.

“He can’t be gone! He can’t be fucking gone!” Johnny was screaming as he curled in on himself where he laid on a stretcher before throwing up again.

A paramedic was kneeling next to him and trying to get him to calm down.

“Is he okay?” Matt asked, holding Zacky in his arms while he smaller man cried.

“We’re going to take him to the hospital. Give him fluids to re-hydrate him and give him some anti-nausea medication to help the vomiting.”

“He had a hangover this morning before we came here. He’s been sick all morning.” Brian said, sitting down to gently stroke Johnny’s neck and shoulders while the younger man cried.

“Then he definitely needs the fluids. His nose started bleeding, and that’s a sign of too much stress on the body and a lack of hydration was evident by the thickness of the blood. So for his own good, we may need to put him out so he can rest and let his body calm down.”

“Johnny, baby, why didn’t you tell us you were so stressed and dehydrated?” Matt asked, setting Zacky on his feet so he could cling to Brian.

“I didn’t want to put more stress on you guys. You work too hard, then the worry about Jimmy was getting to you and-” Johnny was cut off by having to throw up again.

“Shh. Johnny. Please. Just relax. I know you’re scared and upset, because we all are, but honey, I need you to please calm down. I can’t lose both of you in one day. Don’t do that to me, Johnny.” Matt practically begged while the women and his other two brothers watched.

Johnny nodded and clutched Matt’s hand tightly. “C-come with m-me. P-please.” he said soft and brokenly.

“Okay. I’ll come with you. Please just calm down, honey. Please.” Johnny nodded and clung to Matt’s hand until he started to shiver and was covered with multiple sheets and blankets before being loaded into an ambulance with Matt sitting in the back, holding his hand.

*End flashback*

Johnny stayed a week in the hospital because he kept getting so upset.

The girls all left soon after that, Leana finding a new man, the same she was cheating on you with, before you’d even been gone a week.

Matt and Johnny were never out of earshot of one another. Matt was too scared that Johnny was going to get sick and pass out again or even worse.

Brian and I stayed in each others arms, crying hard and sharing soft, timid kisses for nearly two months before we had sex for the first time without you and the others there touching and kissing us, showing us support.

After getting sick for so long, we found out that Johnny wasn’t just getting sick from being upset.

He was pregnant.

After three months, he stopped getting sick so much, then he started to show a little.

Matt took him to get tests done to find out who the father was, and none of us knew until he and Matt got home, Johnny crying and clinging to Matt.

I remember the words that he said clear as day when Matt laid him on the couch. ‘It’s Jimmy’s baby.’

None of us could keep the tears from our eyes.

Johnny asked if we remembered the last night we were all together making love to one another, and we nodded, listening to him.

He told us that the condom broke when he was with you and he was so happy it did. We were all happy. We still had a piece of you with us.

Five months later, Johnny gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.

He looked like the perfect mix of you and Johnny.

When they asked what the baby’s name was, Johnny didn’t think twice and said ‘James Owen Sullivan, Jr.’ before he passed out and slept for hours.

Little Jimmy was perfect.

He was born on July ninth, of 2010.

He’s five months old now. A perfect little angel.

God, Jimmy, he looks so much like you. That hair, those eyes, those lips.

Johnny had your name of the birth certificate, and no one protested or even cared.

The fans were surprised, but ever supportive. Johnny gets new things for him every day.

He had your picture everywhere in the house. Your old house.

Yours was the biggest house and it was where Johnny wanted to raise your son. We tore up the carpet, because Johnny couldn’t stand to go in the living room and remember the day he saw you laying there.

Your living room has hardwood floors now. They look nice. We remembered you mentioning you wanted them once, and we decided it was best.

There’s pictures of you everywhere in the house, and in the baby’s room. Not to mention your room, which we all decided was best for Johnny, since he took it hardest and he carried your son. He deserved to have your room and sleep in the bed you’d both shared so many times.

“I know you’ve probably watched all this happen, but it’s nice to think that I can come here every year now, shed some tears, and tell you about your son and the guys. I guess now would be as good a time as ever to tell you that Brian and I are expecting a baby soon. Two of them. Twins. We’re going to name them James Brian Haner and Zachary Owen Haner. For you and us.”

As the words left his lips, Brian came up behind him, with Matt, Johnny, and little Jimmy coming up next to them.

“You’ve been up here for nearly two hours, just talking and crying. You want to sit down for a little bit? Relax while we let lil Jim see his daddy’s grave for a little bit?” Brian asked, his hands on Zacky’s well-rounded stomach.

“Yeah, we can do that. I need to sit down anyway, my back is killing me.”

“It’s all for the sake of the twins. And make Bri give you back rubs after a hot bath. Trust me, it helps. Matt did it for me and I felt amazing after he did.” Johnny said, settling his and Jimmy’s baby boy on a blanket on the ground.

They watched as Jimmy Jr. looked around and his eyes caught the headstone.

“That’s your daddy’s headstone, baby boy. This is where your daddy’s buried. I wish you could have met him before he left us, but I know he’s watching us now.” Johnny said softly, watching the baby curl up on his side and fall asleep, thumb in his mouth even though he’d cried the entire way up to Jimmy’s grave.

It was like he knew ‘My daddy’s here and I’m safe’.

Just as they were all thinking that, they felt a gentle breeze float over them and settle next to them.

“We miss you, Jim.”