To tell, or not to tell.

Ashley smirks and flops down on the couch beside him and the girl in the Tutu. She instantly begins talking and laughing (well, smirking but Ashley doesn't really laugh anyway so it's the same thing). Ashley had pulled me along thus far and let me stumble a few steps forward before she let go and sat down without me. She immediately started chatting and chuckling with her friends so I was left feeling helpless and awkward.

I fidget with the hem of my skirt and look at the floor, half wishing Ashley would notice me and offer me a seat; half hoping no body will notice me at all so I can just seep into the dark carpet where I belong, because I certainly don't belong here. I figure I could always make an effort to get noticed and therefore force my way to being included...who knows, they might even like me but they're all so much older. Most of them are drinking from beer cans or vodka bottles. I've barely had sips from my Mum's wine glass.

Caught up in my own thoughts and worries, I don't even notice that the boy with the pink-tutu-wearing-girl on his lap is looking at me. It isn't until I have to take a step back to avoid the girl in the pink Tutu which he has brutally thrown off of his lap do I realize he's even paying any attention to me. Pink tutu girl humphs and attempts to stalk off, wobbling along the way. I see now that she's wearing red skinny jeans under her tutu, and isn't just dressed as a ballerina. I glance up to the boy, question in my eyes, to see why he would do such a mean thing to a friend. He merely holds my gaze in his, a crooked smile resting on his lips.

"Ash, who's this little pixie you've brought with you?" He yells over the music.

Ashley looks over from her conversation and laughs. "Me mate. Go easy."

I flush with embarrassment and wish the ground would swallow me up. Instead of that happening, I am pulled forward by the hand towards this boy. He interlocks his fingers in mine and grins. "So, Ash's shy little friend, what's your name?"

I feel my skin crawl at the contact and I want to remove my hand from his sweaty palm. I take a small breath, but it hitches in my throat and my words come out small and frightened, unlike I intended them to be; bold and intriguing. "My name's Laura,"

His grin widens and I want to turn and run. I don't know why but his gaze makes me uncomfortable.

And not in the way Ashley's does.

I didn't just think that. Nonetheless, I hold it, fearful that averting my eyes will make me look more doe like and venerable than I already do. I blink slowly.

"Well, Laura," He play whispers my name as if it's some secret, "You look uncomfortable standing. Come sit down!"

He yanks me down on top of him and stumble into an odd position on top of his lap, facing him. Stuttering and blushing I try to push myself off of the disgusting creature with a yelp. I can smell and feel his warm alcohol stained breath on my neck and I really don't like it.

I really don't like it.

Ashley shoots him a sharp glance when she hears the commotion and I sigh in relief as he helps me up onto the arm of the chair instead. Sadly, from this position, my skirt seems even shorter and I have to press my thighs together to make sure he can't see anything. That anyone can see anything. I want nothing more than to pull my skirt further over my legs but that would merely result in more of my tummy showing, so I refrain.

I spend a while talking to this boy, trying to make things less awkward but he seems set on flirting with me, and every other moving entity within the vicinity, so I merely try to dissuade him but still be polite. My attempts only convince him more that I am a cute little inexperienced female, going through her sexual awakening. I can't help but think he's a prat as he takes my blushing as a sign that I like him rather than an annoying side effect of chronic shyness. Bastard.

I am offered drinks of the alcoholic kind (someone has to get us home), but I refuse with the same awkward blush as when I decline his offers to dance. Time passes slowly for me, but I keep my eye on Ashley all the same. I don't know why I'm doing this...I suppose it's just in case she gets so drunk she forgets about me. I notice her flirting with the girl in the pink Tutu and I feel...angry? Lord knows why. It must be the pent up frustration of her completely ignoring me for friends I never knew she had and leaving me to this creep. Yes, obviously.

I can see Euan (as I soon learn he is called) is getting slightly restless with me, as I won't pander to him. It's probably been nearly an hour and I haven't fallen into his lap yet. As is such, he starts to tease me instead. I'm quickly becoming bored with the night the way it is going, and I'm slightly annoyed at Ashley for inviting me when she was planning on ignoring me clearly. I start to feel claustrophobic, a trait which I don't really have, in this crowded stuffy space, with Euan leering at me and everybody else otherwise ignoring me. I try to take deep breathes to stop myself feeling light headed but the air is too stuffy, too...thick. I start to feel skittish. I try not to show my worry and discomfort but I'm glancing around, almost as if looking for an escape. Everywhere I look I see bodies squeezed into tiny spaces. I'm not sure which way is which. If I wanted to leave, could I? I can see no way... nor do I have the will power to push myself rudely through a crowd of drunk teenagers who have a fifty-fifty percent chance of hating me for no particular reason. Finally I see Ashley, over by the kitchen. I wish I could go talk to her, the familiarity would be oh so comforting, but no...I don't think she's even remembering I'm here.

That's what you always want, stupid. People to not notice you.

Would it be rude to leave? Just disappear, even for a few minutes? What if she decides she wants to go and comes to find me...? Maybe I'll just go to the bathroom. Open the window and lean out for fresh air. That's hardly inexplicable, and Ashley could always find me there.

I stumble off the couch, tossing an explanation for me leaving back at Euan.

"Hurry back, babe," He yells, but before I can even turn back or flip him off or something he's already moved onto another girl. I dodge past people and throw myself up the stairs. When I reach the top step I whip my head back and forth. scanning for the bathroom. By now the crowds have become sparse, just a few odd people here and there. I see one girl lurch out of one of the doors, her appearance bedraggled. Her make-up is smeared and her hair is a mess and she looks as if she's just been sick. The light which she forgets to put off illuminates the tiles which look very bathroom-esqe. Crossing my fingers that she's not make a mess I slowly approach it, as if it is my sanctuary which I am afraid will spontaneously combust if I don't approach with caution.

Luckily, the girl did not make a huge mess. In fact, she seemed to really know what she was doing because there's no trace of her sick...well, anywhere. The bathroom looks relatively clean so I sit down on the toilet seat and just...rest. I curse myself for wanting to come to this party in the first place. It all seemed so...so mature and fun and rebellious. Like the things I read about in books but never thought would happen to me. Now that I am at one of these parties it just seems stupid. Maybe, I'm just being stupid...I mean, I have to be willing to have fun if I want to have fun, right? So, if I just stop being a moody cow and loosen up a bit, I could actually have fun. But I can hear the music thumping downstairs, it pounds right through my skull and vibrates off of my bones, and not it a good way. I lay my head in my hands and wait for the slight throb to go away.

Suddenly, someone bangs against the door, as if they'd fallen into it. I jump, surprised and stand up guiltily. They ask for me to hurry up and I quickly shuffle out, all apologies. I head for the stairs but I have to move out of the way for...Ashley. She's too busy smirking sexily at the girl behind her to notice me. My jaw falls open as I watch her drag the girl into the a bedroom. The girl she's with, that'll be Tutu-girl, closes the door behind her, but not before she notices me and realizes who I am, and winks.

I think...I know what they are about to do and I'm kind of pissed about it. I mean, really, invite a girl to a party and just go away...into some room...with another girl...and do...well, what they are about to do and I'm pretty sure that they're not going to play cards. I feel my face flush with annoyance. Although why I'm so annoyed I'm not sure, but stuff this. Screw Ashley (but not in that way...Oh God, my brain is so awkward) I'm going to go on with my plan to have a good time.

I'll go down stairs and finally give Euan that dance he's been begging for. When he offers me a drink, I take it. I keep and drinking and if I drink too much, so be it. I'll get friggen drunk for all I care. I mean, Ashley is anyway. Why the hell not? I'll do a bunch of things I'd never normally do and be one of those teenagers I only hear about.

Or I won't. I'm just not reckless enough to do such a thing. No, I'll go down stairs, and sit somewhere like a numpty and stew in my own juices until Ashley comes back. Ugh, listen to me. Self pity much. It's disgusting.

Jesus... I'm disgusting.